keeping on trying

"Do, or do not. There is no try." Well, I've always trusted Yoda completely, but I'm starting to think he might be wrong about that one. I know, I know, heresy! but...

I try a lot. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I don't know which is which. I think there is a lot of try.

I've made a lot of bad decisions in the last.... oh, lifetime or so. Not that some of them haven't been.... well, delicious, wonderful, impossible to regret. But. I've been selfish and harmed others, even though I thought I was trying to be a good person. It hurts to see this about myself. (See also the quotes at the top and bottom of the blog... "Success and failure are your journey.")

When Loopy almost left me, she played a song with these lyrics a lot:

...The thing you claim to love so much
You don't do very well

I'm sure someone will love you
'Til the day that they must die
And someone will mourn for you
With bitter, tear-stained eyes
Will this be enough for you?
You got them in your spell
Because the thing you claim to hate
You do it very well

...in doing all these hateful things
You are unparalleled
At doing all these hurtful things
You really do excel.

(Eef Barzelay, Bitter Honey, "Well.")

This really cut me to the heart. I don't want to be that person. But I know - sometimes I have been that person. And all while I was trying to be loving and caring. But I guess not trying hard enough.

Maybe there is no try after all.

anti-depressants and other drugs

chocolate cake the size of your head: definitely an anti-depressant.

saw the shrink today and she said I'm taking too much of one of my meds.

that's why i'm doing things like falling asleep in class - one time, i actually fell asleep while standing up and writing on the board. also fell asleep several times during a field trip today, while we were listening to the proceedings of the seventh circuit court; one time I almost fell out of my seat (my students looked at me disapprovingly - I had admonished them to be quiet and not embarrass the school, and here it was the teacher who was embarrassing everyone!).

then there's the sleep-driving, but we don't like to talk about that too much because it (understandably) upsets Loopy.

another anti-depressant? wikipedia. (for me anyway!) in response to a friend's comment on my flickr pix, I've been wiki-ing about Persian Gardens and trying to figure out what influence/connection there is between them and the Alhambra's Generalife gardens. I mean, they're both Islamic-architecture-related, but they're a continent away from each other, so I'm wondering, how exactly does the connection work in space and time? I'll let you know if I figure it out. :-)

My pic of the Naranj-e-stan ("Orangery") Gardens in Shiraz (ever wonder why oranges are "naranja" in Spanish? yeah).		A pic from the Alhambra's website

And now... a nap.

zoo

yesterday we went to the Brookfield Zoo, in honor of Loopy's birthday, which is tomorrow. it was really wonderful, both because it's an amazing zoo and because we had a lot of fun together. it's possible that ice cream was also consumed, but i refuse to verify that rumor.

pix are on flickr.


we have been through a lot lately - a LOT - and it was really great to get some good time together and just enjoy each other's company in a way we haven't in a long time. really, really great. i love my wifey so, so much... n i have the impression that she loves me too. maybe. a lil bit anyway. ;)

summer usually brings us closer because we have more time together, although i'm usually a little crazy so that's no fun, especially since in recent years i'm looking for and/or preparing for a new job. maybe this summer i can be less crazy. what with the new meds and all. i'll work on that.

wifey may rightly reserve judgment, though, until i can prove that i can balance work life and home life better next year. fingers crossed... and this summer i'll try to practice the things that will help me do that effectively... (well first i'll try to figure out what those are. that's what therapy is for.)

so yeah. at this time of year i start to say "fuck it" to my job, and my students say the same, so we are all quarrelsome for the duration, tho we all also feel we can endure anything for the remaining weeks.

their progress reports come out this week and in past quarters, i would have spent the pre-progress-report weekend freaking out completely, desperately trying to grade everything and enter it in the online gradebook, miserable over anything i couldn't grade. probably crying.

this weekend, instead, i went to the zoo; went to meditation; napped a lot (some of it during meditation ;) ); went to Target and Costco (where we picked up our favorite gigantic chocolate cake for Loopy's birthday—promising each other that we will only eat a few pieces before i take it to work, instead of eating it every day for two weeks, like last time (did I mention that it's a gigantic cake?)); watched episodes of "House" and "The Tudors"...

....and....

...i'm just gonna override their grades and give them what grades i think they deserve. hee hee. as long as they're all B's and C's (and a few A's) nobody will complain.

so thank you wifey for a great weekend, and for everything, everything, everything.

one is silver and the other gold

so... you may ask... why am i blogging all of a sudden?

well... for a while i've been neglecting a lot of my friends and just spending all my time with a very few people. i'd like to re-establish the connections that i do make via the blog... i think there are at least four or five of you out there... which is a lot, considering that you are some of my favorite people.

and as most of you or all of you know, things have been kinda hard lately... i specially appreciate my friends right now. :) i'm grateful to you all for being there for me in different ways through this time. i hope i can always return the favor when you go through difficult times... i hope you all know that if you ever need me i'm here, even if we haven't been in touch recently - that's the V-guarantee, no expiration date ;) .

i'm also setting a goal of making more new friends in Chicago. for the last month i've been going to a support group for queer n crazy people like me, and i really, really like the folks there a lot, so that's good. and maybe i'll try attending a normal people's thing like a scrabble club or the "frontwalkers," queers who go for walks by the lake once a week, or something. so... yeah.

(speaking of queers, now that i've been fired, i'm trying to decide whether to come out to my students before the end of the year... but that's a whole nother post).

so yeah. just trying to get back on my feet again in all areas of my life... one foot in front of the other.

forward march (or may)

loopy told me a very corny joke on May 4. "It's Star Wars day," she said. Of course, I said, "What?" and she said, "May the fourth be with you." Uuuuugggghhhh.

Reminds me of how my grandmother and mother always used to call the fourth of March "moving day." You know. "March forth." Aaaaaaaarrrrrgh.

Anyway.

Here is the photo that's been my wallpaper on my phone for two weeks.


I took it on my way to meditation two weeks ago, crying near-hysterically cuz my meds hadn't kicked in and stoned on my meds cuz i hadn't eaten. Still, when I saw this (in some ways unremarkable) image, it somehow got through to me.

I took the pic and put it on my phone to remind me to look forward instead of backward... it would be easy to get mired in cherished memories and drown in them (as I have been for months, to the detriment of myself and others). The future is scary and hard to deal with at the moment.

But the past is not coming back, no matter what the future holds, and dwelling in it "robs [me] of the present moment," to quote one of the teachings I've heard. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Here is one of the teachings that's been sustaining me:

Each day, we're given many opportunities to open up or shut down. The most precious opportunity presents itself when we come to the place where we think we can't handle whatever is happening. It's too much. It's gone too far....

Basically, disappointment, embarrassment, and all these places where we just cannot feel good, are a sort of death.... Rather than realizing that it takes death for there to be birth, we just fight against the fear of death.

How do we work with our minds when we meet our match? Rather than indulge or reject our experience, we can somehow let the energy of the emotion, the quality of what we're feeling, pierce us to the heart. This is easier said than done, but it's a noble way to live. It's definitely the path of compassion—the path of cultivating human bravery and kind-heartedness.

~Pema Chödrön

This is a hard teaching, but I've been working with it a lot. Facing the present instead of running away and hiding.... when I can do this, it does seem to deepen both my moment-to-moment connection to the world; it also helps me experience my feelings and then let them go.

And sometimes when I'm present I can accept unexpected gifts, like these beautiful clouds gathering over a car dealership as I hurried to a Chinese restaurant last night:



The world is full of richness and beauty, if I can only slow down and breathe and see and feel, and not be afraid of any of those things. Especially that whole feeling thing. Dangit.

One foot in front of the other.

all fired up

So I got fired today, finally. (OK, so I was "not asked back for the fall." Same dif afaic). I knew it was coming and didn't cry, got through the day ok. Maybe I'm getting used to it.

The shocking thing was how many of my friends also got the axe, including some very good teachers. I guess it's political. I don't know. Some of them were really, really stunned. Others said it was just as well, they wanted to leave anyway.

In my case, the administration did warn me three times, and I wasn't able to pull my shit together, so it was neither unreasonable nor unexpected.

The principal and I discussed that I had done better with the honors class than with the regular students, and that I would probably be better suited to a more selective school or a gifted program of some kind. (I said I considered this more of a failing than something to be proud of, but that's the way it is right now). He said they'd provide letters of rec and I suggested that maybe they could say that explicitly.

(And what a contrast to my previous psycho principal! She would not write a letter nor allow anyone on her staff to write a letter, due to fear of lawsuits - i.e. if I had documentation saying anything positive, supposedly I would sue the school for letting me go!)

However, my spirits continued to fall all day, and toward the end I realized why: I don't care so much about this job. But I feel like I'm looking ahead to a bleak summer. Job hunting and ensuing anxiety are always fun. Lack of structure does also tend to be difficult for me. We don't have any money to travel anymore (maybe we'll drive to Minneapolis...) so I feel like there's nothing much to look forward to.

And then... perhaps even more so... if/when I achieve that wonderful goal - a new job - it is hard for me to imagine going through this whole process AGAIN. The new school, the terror, the struggle, figuring things out, not knowing what to do, constant stress and confusion... Perhaps the same constant failure. Some people say it gets better in your fifth year. I don't know if I'm going to last that long. But I don't know what else I'd do.

Well... one foot in front of the other...

I leave you with a lil quote, and gratitude for all of you.

"To know someone here or there with whom you can feel there is an understanding—in spite of distances or thoughts unexpressed—that can make of this earth a garden."

— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

After work today spent some time w a coworker who just enrolled her husband in hospice... It's taken him 3 years to die... I can't even imagine all she must be feeling as the end draws near.

I remember when Loopy was in the hospital, I used to be struck by how all the faces around me were stripped of social graces and laid bare to the most basic humanity... We all wore the same expression of stunned vulnerability. I remember every time I got into the elevator, I stared dumbly at the floor listings, alphabetical... and read the series, "bone...breast...burn..." thinking of human fragility and all the ways we can be hurt.

You never know where pain will come from, or how you'll survive. But it always does, and you always do.