well.

My Dad always used to say, "Well...... it's a deep subject." And then his eyes would crinkle up and he'd just - almost giggle - chortle - something like that - he loved his own corny jokes.

So anyway. Kinda doing well. By some measures.

I've gotten more job search stuff done in the last couple days than I did the whole summer last year or the year before.

That's really something to be proud of. I'm trying to be.

So why do I feel anxiety off the charts?

Could be because of the demoralizing, depressing job fair yesterday. But I did a good job of writing follow-up letters today. Could just be life...

Cried quite a bit today, haven't done that in ages. Feel destabilized.

Heh. So what else is new? Me? Destabilized?

Mostly, things are much smoother now than, say, 3-4 months ago, largely because of finally - FINALLY!!!!!!! - finding effective meds., but also because of the perspective brought by the diagnosis - that I am gonna have these moods and they don't necessarily mean something is wrong.

But when it comes to anxiety like some creature trying to claw its way out of my innards, I don't have to believe it to hate it.

I guess this is why I avoided stuff for so long: cuz it's so damn miserable to actually face it. Yeah, it's more miserable to not face it. But it's a pretty close competition.

So tomorrow, I'm going to start attending this outpatient program - it's like being in the psych ward except you're only there a few hours a day. Supposed to help you get stabilized and give you coping skills. I'm a little scared but since I'm starting to unravel with all this unstructured time, I'm more scared of losing it over the summer and starting back to school just as crazy as ever.

What does it mean to be well? Are we all really well even if we're crazy, crazy and well just arbitrary binary definitions? (kum-ba-yahhhhh) Or is being well something to strive for? Or something you can't get to and just have to give up on?

I'm confused. But what else is new?