one that got away; chaos

So I drove down to Chicago for a job interview today... this evening they called to say that I didn't get it.

I knew I didn't do too well in the interview... I was nervous and didn't really take command of the classroom (I had to teach a sample lesson, which is a great idea for the school to do for prospective teachers, but omg it was nerve-wracking). They said they had "never seen anyone so nervous for a job interview." Wow. As I remarked to Franklin, "that'll do wonders for the anxiety in the future."

It's normal to be nervous in a job interview, but teaching is a performance job - if you can't perform under difficult conditions, you aren't going to make it as a teacher.

The thing is, of all the people who've ever judged me and my teaching, these people were the closest to me in philosophy, worldview, everything. So I am struggling not to conclude that I really don't have what it takes.

The only thing I can hang onto is (1) they said they bet I would be a great elementary school teacher, which is what I really want to do anyway, and (2) this *is* a really rough time in my life, so maybe that's affecting me.

Rough time... I haven't blogged in a while so you wouldn't know about that... my dad's dementia is getting so bad that Mom wants to institutionalize him immediately. Except when she wants to wait til we get there. Except when she wants to wait til after we leave. Except when she wants to keep him home to the very end. Her high-anxiety rapid-fire back-and-forth insanity is harder to cope with than his disorientation... although it's sad to feel that he is sort of fading away.

I think I already mentioned that we sold the house... only after that did we discover that we can't get financing to buy a new one until I have a job. So there's a lot riding on my getting a job. We have a new temporary apartment (sublet) that we can move into when the house sells on Aug. 3, but it's small and we don't want to have to be here very long.

Poor dear Loopy is packing the entire house on her own (Miri is going over there tomorrow, bless her!!) because I'm constantly in Chicago doing job fairs, job interviews, etc. So Loopy is always in pain, always exhausted, and yet she doesn't blame me at all. She is my angel, my sunshine, my delight, my everything.

All I can say is, this total chaos can't possibly continue indefinitely, and that's a damn good thing.

Incidentally, this is my 600th blog post. :-)