moving...

movin, movin on; movin, movin on
i been 'buked, i been scorned, i been talked about sure as you're born
but i'm movin, movin on; movin, movin on
--Sweet Honey in the Rock

and for some reason "rawhide" also keeps going through my head, with slightly different words:

movin movin movin, keep those doggies movin
movin movin movin, rawHIDE!

Mostly I'm glad to be moving. Yesterday as I finished cleaning the hot tub and started it refilling, I came into the house and said, "Never again, lovey, never again - if I ever start talking about wanting a house again, talk me out of it." It's too much damn work. "It's the perfect capitalist plot - the nuclear family in a giant house, keeps 'em too busy to be politically active or informed."

But this morning when I went out to put chemicals in the hot tub and start it up again, there was a tiny green frog in it, almost motionless from cold. And the sun was just getting high enough to stream through the leaves and I looked down the wooded hillside into the valley and allowed myself to feel how close to paradise this spot is. I took some pictures and though I didn't weep I felt like it.

bird... almost... in... hand... orflyingatmyheadfast

So it seems I have the job. Almost. I can go on down and sign the contract as soon as I get my Illinois license in the mail. Which was supposed to be four days ago. So I'm a bit anxious about that... I won't feel secure about having the job until I have that signed paper in my hand.

On the plus side, we are close to being ready for the move (on Tuesday). It's kind of astonishing really. Well, not so astonishing, since it's thanks to Loopy's incredible hard work—she did almost everything herself. I am miserable with guilt over the fact that she had to do all that (at a fairly high cost—she was often in pain at the end of a day of packing) and I hardly did anything on the house. I can't wait to get out of here and try to forget about that.

I am alternately excited and petrified about my job. And did I tell you, they actually seem to have hired me for fifth grade?!? I'm licensed to teach grades 6-12 but they hired me for 5th! Slightly mysterious.

Fifth grade... when the sixth graders come in in the fall, they're already so infantile that I don't know what to do with them... their noses run, their pencils fall on the floor... I have still less idea how I'll handle all these little baby fifth graders! When it occurred to me that I'll have to do things like Halloween parties and birthday cupcakes, my heart just sank.

On the plus side, I should still be taller than most of them, which is always helpful.

So... yes... hurtling toward destiny at an increasing speed...

I've done—and tomorrow am doing again—a session of EMDR, a type of semi-hypnosis that is supposed to help you get over your issues.... it seems to help a little. I just don't want to go back to the same old same old, self-sabotaging crap. I owe it to my future students and their families.... I owe it to me.

Huh. I remember going to confession in Japan and the priest shocked me by telling me I should pray for my future husband. I balked and he said, "oh, you may laugh, but believe me he's out there somewhere right now." I sputtered and wasn't able to answer... not because I was thinking of marrying a woman but because I intended at that time in my life to become a nun!

But, while a future husband is not in my cards, my future students really are out there somewhere, walking around, having their summers... They're real... they're out there... and they and I are on a collision course...

It's just a weird way to think of it...

On a more amusing note, Loopy came across some Star Trek fan fiction I wrote in elementary school! "I flipped through it and saw 'Mr. Spock' and I just thought, 'Ohhhhh no...'" she reports. We both find this hilarious.

at the risk of seeming negative...

...these things also suck.

While unpacking the contents of our kitchen cupboards, which I brought with me this trip to reduce cargo on the next trip, I discovered that a bottle of green food coloring broke inside the bag. While I was able to remove it from the countertop, sink, and floor, I cannot seem to get it off my hands, despite soap and scrubbing. Paradoxically, it continues to rub off on things I touch, leaving little green smears hither and yon.

This will definitely win me points in any job-interview-type situation.



As Loopy and I often say to each other, "you may think it's funny, but it's snot."

Also, I am really, really going to miss my front-loading washer. I've already lost one bra to the violence of the top-loader downstairs. I will also miss having laundry facilities in my own abode, reducing the incidence of socks and embarrassing undergarments draping themselves in public areas. And I will miss having a functional dishwasher.

*sigh* I'm spoiled I guess.

Do you think that the guy in the laundry room really wanted my number to tell me when his loads would be done, or because I'm not wearing a bra?

UPDATE: damn it all, now I have green food coloring on my tank top! arg! on the plus side, I can illustrate this and the previous point at the same time:



And because of the green-smudge problem, I had to change my laundry with gloves on. Fortunately I had a pair handy! lol

this sucks

sigh. so the whole "hurry up n get certified" thing is dragging on and on. turns out i needed more paperwork. so i FedExed that. six harrowing days later, they confirmed that they had all my paperwork. that was two days ago. no word from anyone at all, other than that.

today i had another job fair (thought i'd better go since i don't seem to have a "bird in the hand" after all). i stood in line to talk to the guy from the Illinois State Board of Ed, who coincidentally was the same guy who had emailed me. he was very reassuring, said that all my paperwork looked to be in order and that they will most likely send my certification in the mail next week.

which is great except that i'm moving next week. *sigh*

then i went to the table of the school that has semi-tentatively-almost-offered to hire me. they seemed happy to see me but said they weren't sure they were going to have funding for my position after all. of course, i am now tortured by the worry that that is just a nice way of saying "we found someone else," or worse, "you have been emailing us constantly since we made the non-offer and now we think you're insane."

the rest of the job fair was ok; i only really got revved up at the end and made a smashingly good impression on the last few people. unfortunately or fortunately, the one who liked me the best works with a program to teach incarcerated minors between their arraignment and trial. so the student population is constantly changing. i don't mind the incarcerated part, it's the constant flux that i think would drive me nuts.

then i came back to our little apartment (which actually seems to be shrinking, the more i contemplate living here with 2 dogs) and everything in the bathroom is wet.

i just sorted my laundry this morning, intending to do it this afternoon, and so it was in two large heaps on the floor. now they are both wet.

so is everything on the shelves over the toilet.

the thing that proves that this isn't some kind of strange condensation event is that the hallway rug is also soaking wet and draped over the side of the bathtub, a state and location decidedly different from this morning when i left.

i call the maintenance man. he explains there was a leak upstairs and he came down to do damage control.

considering that he apparently mopped the floor and wiped off everything on the shelves and otherwise cleaned up all the water, i can't complain. but it does sorta bother me to have someone in here while i'm out...

especially since there was a giant dildo sitting on the sink.

let's just hope he did not have any opportunity to discover that it glows in the dark.

so anyway. then i realize i don't have quarters to do my laundry, so i go get some from my car, and when i get back, a guy is just putting his in. he promises to call me when he's done. great.

i was supposed to go back to WI tonight and i'm dreading the drive. i'm also dreading coming back here alone next week while Loopy stays in Msn for the closing etc. (we came up with this plan rather than boarding the dogs...now it sounds dumb to me... i just want my Loopyyyyyy!

oh, almost forgot another positive thing - i got my test scores back from a certification test I took in June, and I got 291/300 (that's good for those of you who dont' do math). so hey. it's not all bad.

got a job offer! well, an offer of an offer

it's at an elementary school, sixth grade - i'm so excited about it! i really thought this would be a good fit.

unfortunately i screwed up when filling out the state certification forms and said i wanted my certification to be valid as of aug. 15. they said no good, I have to have it NOW. so i am panicking and rushing around trying to pull that rabbit out of the hat...

just wanted to share :-)

one that got away; chaos

So I drove down to Chicago for a job interview today... this evening they called to say that I didn't get it.

I knew I didn't do too well in the interview... I was nervous and didn't really take command of the classroom (I had to teach a sample lesson, which is a great idea for the school to do for prospective teachers, but omg it was nerve-wracking). They said they had "never seen anyone so nervous for a job interview." Wow. As I remarked to Franklin, "that'll do wonders for the anxiety in the future."

It's normal to be nervous in a job interview, but teaching is a performance job - if you can't perform under difficult conditions, you aren't going to make it as a teacher.

The thing is, of all the people who've ever judged me and my teaching, these people were the closest to me in philosophy, worldview, everything. So I am struggling not to conclude that I really don't have what it takes.

The only thing I can hang onto is (1) they said they bet I would be a great elementary school teacher, which is what I really want to do anyway, and (2) this *is* a really rough time in my life, so maybe that's affecting me.

Rough time... I haven't blogged in a while so you wouldn't know about that... my dad's dementia is getting so bad that Mom wants to institutionalize him immediately. Except when she wants to wait til we get there. Except when she wants to wait til after we leave. Except when she wants to keep him home to the very end. Her high-anxiety rapid-fire back-and-forth insanity is harder to cope with than his disorientation... although it's sad to feel that he is sort of fading away.

I think I already mentioned that we sold the house... only after that did we discover that we can't get financing to buy a new one until I have a job. So there's a lot riding on my getting a job. We have a new temporary apartment (sublet) that we can move into when the house sells on Aug. 3, but it's small and we don't want to have to be here very long.

Poor dear Loopy is packing the entire house on her own (Miri is going over there tomorrow, bless her!!) because I'm constantly in Chicago doing job fairs, job interviews, etc. So Loopy is always in pain, always exhausted, and yet she doesn't blame me at all. She is my angel, my sunshine, my delight, my everything.

All I can say is, this total chaos can't possibly continue indefinitely, and that's a damn good thing.

Incidentally, this is my 600th blog post. :-)