rats

it's 3:50 a.m. and i've been fucking around on Wikipedia since, uh, 10:30 pm (got started down that path while trying to do some baseline research for my geography paper). definitely spinning out into outer space. and i have an exam on friday at 10 am, i can't let my sleep pattern get totally screwy.

i shoulda called my therapist at 5pm when i suspected this was coming.

shoulda coulda woulda.

the buddhist books say when you see stuff you do that you hate, you shouldn't beat yourself up, that it's an opportunity, so "a great longing can arise, a great yearning can arise, that you won't continue to harm yourself in this way."

here's what happened today, just to get it down...

so this morning, after defeating the demons I was struggling with last week and having some very hard-working, super-productive days, i thought i was done with everything, as described below--and that was sudden and unexpected.

it was terrifying.

i had already figured out that i avoided being done with everything because being stuck and trapped seemed preferable to being in control of my life.

so i wasn't totally surprised that, when i finally crossed that line, total panic hit. fortunately i remembered to just sit with it and see what happened.

that was good, because it really helped me see some useful stuff. basically i think a lot of this is coming out of the cult my parents were in. the thing is, in a cult, boundaries are bad, you can't have them--you can never say no to the cult or the other people in it, you can never say no to god, to "selfless service."

so if you can't say no, any request from another person--or even the thought that "I should really do x"--seems terrifying, oppressive, and threatening, because you are already denied the self-hood required to say "no, i don't want to" or even "yes, I do want to," because what you want is not important--although if you don't want to, you are bad.

so the only way out of that mental conundrum is to become trapped and helpless. you can't help the cult if you're trapped under a rock.

my family members act this out in different ways at different times, including inducing physical illness, mental dissociation, or over-committing so there's no space left for anything else.

so.... when i suddenly found myself not trapped under a rock, i was scared, out of habit. then the first thing (more or less) that happened was that Loopy said, "come on, help me pack!" and I panicked and felt like I had to run and hide from this somehow.

But I caught that and stopped myself and realized I don't have to do it that way anymore, and I don't have to. I've learned how to have a self, I can have wants and not-wants, how to say yes and how to say no. It's no longer dangerous to be available; it's wonderful and connected. And I was happy to help her pack and it was even fun.

so, lots of great insight...

but then the rock dropped back onto my head.

i could feel that part of me, the part with all the old tapes and old habits, the part that was making a not-quite-last-stand last week, was thinking, 'ah ha, one last chance to undermine this whole thing, to keep us stuck under the rock. all i have to do is refuse to write the paper until after Monday, and then everything's fucked.'

this is the part that clearly said, in the summer of 2005, "I will do whatever it takes to keep myself from having a job in September." so, not something to be messed with.

i tried to stay with that and stay open, but pretty soon i found myself spiraling down into unconsciousness, and it was longer and longer between the times I even looked at the clock. and here i am at 4 a.m.

wanting to win against that.

wanting to want to win.

at the moment, the desire to crawl under the rock is stronger. it seems so safe under there. it doesn't even matter that it hurts sooooo much. everything aches and i'm so tired of tormenting myself. how is that safe? it's not safe at all. so why does that dark hole still beckon?

i hate this shit.

but after rereading this a second time, i feel like i'm beginning to wake up a little, to feel how much this hurts, to remember why i'm choosing not to keep going down this path over and over. it hurts. everything hurts. and it's very lonely. i don't want this!

and on that note, i think i might be able to get into bed if i launch myself in that direction NOW.

but goddammit, i hate this!