progress not perfection...

...yeah, yeah, I know.

but why does it feel like i keep starting over at square one?

Loopy-Loopy dialogue #18,435

Loopy: What are we gonna do about that birch tree that fell over into the backyard?

Me: Why don't we just leave it there?

Loopy: Ok. Hillbilly landscaping.

---

Bonus: Loopy-Mommy dialogue

Mom (in hospital, under the influence of morphine and percoset): Mmmmmrrgmph.

Me: What?

Mom: Oh....I'm sorry, I forgot what I was going to say.

Me: That's cuz you're asleep! Go to sleep! Jesus!

not even one toe in...yet

Since last posting I went from Montreal almost directly to Arizona, where I spent a grueling week in Arizona while my Mom had surgery and I tried to keep my Dad from wandering into traffic. Now I'm home and Loopy has gone to Chicago. I'm supposed to be pursuing jobs and/or signing up to sub.

I feel exactly the way I used to when I was a summer camp counselor, and we'd go to this swimming hole every day, and the water was sooooo cold. I always knew I'd get used to it and it would feel fine, but there was this moment when I just looked at it and dreaded the first icy immersion....

Similarly... I know once I get into the routine of subbing it will be fine. I've gotten lots of handy tips from friends & acquaintances and it sounds like it's actually pretty fun once you get going. But that first day, or first few days, before I really know the ropes, are just like that icy water...

Never mind having my own classroom. That's seriously scary, espcially at this point when I'd ahve exactly two days to prep. I try to be nonchalant about it ("other people have done it, so can I") but it's unconvincing. Anyway, it looks unlikely that I'll have my own room this year. I'm still checking the vacancy postings daily and applying to everything that comes up, but, no nibbles--they want a license in hand, I guess, and it'll be a few more weeks before that happens.

So yeah... today (yesterday) was a waste. Thought about taking the steps to pursue subbing and/or the few jobs still available...panicked and played with Flickr all day.

Well. On to tomorrow.

On the plus side, playing with Flickr has its benefits for you, dear readers. Check out the first batch of pix from Montreal on my Flickr site.

Here are a couple you won't see if you don't have a Flickr account that I've linked as a "friend" or "family"...

Shamus at "Fondue Mentale"

...where dinner consists of three courses of fondue!! delish!

Ted & Carolina at Maestro SVP

Hey, we're not the only ones who take photos of our food! (Ted's dessert--three flavors of creme brulee--was absolutely incredible!)

the love of my life

I love this photo. I don't know why. :-) We just had our 13th anniversary on the 26th--yay us! We celebrated it a lot, repeatedly, though I will refrain from providing any details.



Speaking of the love of my life, the other day, I was talking with her about how our couples' therapist is so wonderful and how he has allowed us to not only revitalize our marriage but actually have a much better marriage than we ever did before, even at the beginning.

I said, "we should send him something, you know, to show our appreciation." Loopy reminded me that we do send him something, all the time--it's called money.

Going to bed now.

IT'S DONE!!!!!

* cartwheels *

I don't know whether all the paperwork will go through properly, but I am DONE DONE DONE with all the work! Yay for me!

i learned a new word

Procrustean

ADJECTIVE: Producing or designed to produce strict conformity by ruthless or arbitrary means.

ETYMOLOGY: After Procrustes, a mythical Greek giant who stretched or shortened captives to make them fit his beds, from Latin Procrusts, from Greek Prokrousts, from prokrouein, hammer out, to stretch out : pro-, forth; see pro–2 + krouein, to beat.

It's a useful word. I came across it describing Marxist historians who try to make different social patterns and groupings all fit their pre-conceived idea of How Things Are. I've learned this word before but not remembered it....

It's 10 pm, my last paper's due tomorrow, and it seems endless. *sigh* Loopy has denied all access to the garden of earthly delights until I finish, just as an extra incentive. *sigh again*

Back to work.

update

I successfully ordered that latte in French -- so proud of myself! -- but the paper is not going well at all today. :-( As in, I'm not doing anything.

Gotta get going.....

since I'm being dull today, you should go watch this video on Ang's blog. I particularly think Rie would like it, but so would everyone else. it's just wonderful in so many ways. :-)

two little snippets from Montreal

I was going out for my walk, heading down toward Rue de la Commune (I love that we're staying a block away from a street named after the Paris Commune!!)...It was just getting to be lunch-time and on the corner of Rue St-Paul, there was a beautiful woman in an old stone doorway, surrounded by as-yet empty tables and chairs of a sidewalk cafe.

She looked like she was standing there expressly in order to attract customers: she leaned langourously against the doorway in the warming sun, a stack of menus in one arm; she scanned the passing crowds with a lazy sultry appraising look, from piercing green eyes in a well-tanned face. Her tight peasant blouse was partly unlaced at the top, and her gorgeous full breasts seemed to strain to escape from it.

Seriously. They did. I'm not exaggerating.

I almost would eat there just to be able to look at her. I'm sure it's been known to happen.

She saw me looking at her so I looked away and crossed the street, thinking that I would wait a few moments, and then try to steal another glance. Just as I was about to go out of sight round the corner, I looked up at her again.

She had turned her head and was looking right at me with a sly grin. When my eyes met hers, her smile widened a little in satisfaction, seeming to say, "uh-huh, I knew you were gonna look again!"

I quickly looked down, but helplessly smiled back a shame-faced smile that may have conveyed, "what can I say, you caught me," and hurried past the corner into the cool shadows.

I guess when you're that stunning, you get used to all the ways people try to steal a good look at you--and all the people who want to look.

Snippet #2: here's how to place my favorite coffee order in French:
un grand latté glacée, décafiné, à soya.
:-)

Personal update:
Still not done with that last paper, but trying to strike a balance between work and play. Feeling very anxious a lot; not sure if that's the paper, or the upcoming trip to the family, or what. *sigh* Trying to enjoy myself anyway.

Loopy has been assigned to write blog posts from Montreal because she's always up half the night with her back hurting, but I guess that's not the frame of mind in which you want to write blog posts, poor thing. I should go write my paper, though, and not write about our trip; maybe another time.

xoxo
me

today was a little better

i have my exam in 9 hours. i have no idea what to expect. with a correspondance course, there's no TA to tell you about the short-answer section, the id's, whether you'll have to come up with the four types of allocation plan or whether it will give you the names and just ask you to describe them.

awwww crap.

just get it over with.

that didn't sound like "today was a little better."

i guess it was just less of a roller coaster and more of a... sitting under the rock really i guess. phooey.

Loopy IM'd me a couple minutes ago and cheered me up tho. Sure am lucky to have her in my corner... *blowing a kiss* thank you sweetie!!!

comforting thought

so, as i sat here wondering how i was going to study for my test on Friday and also research and write a paper by Monday, i did think of one good thing.

if i really don't quite make it by the deadline... if the grade change doesn't go through or the prof is out of town... it probably won't make any difference because i don't need certification to sub.

it doesn't look like i'm going to get a job for the fall anyway. so i'll probably be subbing, either way.

and i can sub without being certified, and i can even job hunt for the spring semester if i've completed all the requirements--i get a piece of paper that says i will be certified after the next graduation date rolls around.

so i'll just keep trying to get through all this. and remember that it's not the end of the world... if i don't quite make all the deadlines... i'm still so close to being done, i'll still be done with everything within the next month and i'll still be able to get on with my life.

crying with exhaustion, at 5:30 a.m. wishing loopy were here or i were there. wishing i were already done with everything. damn.

rats

it's 3:50 a.m. and i've been fucking around on Wikipedia since, uh, 10:30 pm (got started down that path while trying to do some baseline research for my geography paper). definitely spinning out into outer space. and i have an exam on friday at 10 am, i can't let my sleep pattern get totally screwy.

i shoulda called my therapist at 5pm when i suspected this was coming.

shoulda coulda woulda.

the buddhist books say when you see stuff you do that you hate, you shouldn't beat yourself up, that it's an opportunity, so "a great longing can arise, a great yearning can arise, that you won't continue to harm yourself in this way."

here's what happened today, just to get it down...

so this morning, after defeating the demons I was struggling with last week and having some very hard-working, super-productive days, i thought i was done with everything, as described below--and that was sudden and unexpected.

it was terrifying.

i had already figured out that i avoided being done with everything because being stuck and trapped seemed preferable to being in control of my life.

so i wasn't totally surprised that, when i finally crossed that line, total panic hit. fortunately i remembered to just sit with it and see what happened.

that was good, because it really helped me see some useful stuff. basically i think a lot of this is coming out of the cult my parents were in. the thing is, in a cult, boundaries are bad, you can't have them--you can never say no to the cult or the other people in it, you can never say no to god, to "selfless service."

so if you can't say no, any request from another person--or even the thought that "I should really do x"--seems terrifying, oppressive, and threatening, because you are already denied the self-hood required to say "no, i don't want to" or even "yes, I do want to," because what you want is not important--although if you don't want to, you are bad.

so the only way out of that mental conundrum is to become trapped and helpless. you can't help the cult if you're trapped under a rock.

my family members act this out in different ways at different times, including inducing physical illness, mental dissociation, or over-committing so there's no space left for anything else.

so.... when i suddenly found myself not trapped under a rock, i was scared, out of habit. then the first thing (more or less) that happened was that Loopy said, "come on, help me pack!" and I panicked and felt like I had to run and hide from this somehow.

But I caught that and stopped myself and realized I don't have to do it that way anymore, and I don't have to. I've learned how to have a self, I can have wants and not-wants, how to say yes and how to say no. It's no longer dangerous to be available; it's wonderful and connected. And I was happy to help her pack and it was even fun.

so, lots of great insight...

but then the rock dropped back onto my head.

i could feel that part of me, the part with all the old tapes and old habits, the part that was making a not-quite-last-stand last week, was thinking, 'ah ha, one last chance to undermine this whole thing, to keep us stuck under the rock. all i have to do is refuse to write the paper until after Monday, and then everything's fucked.'

this is the part that clearly said, in the summer of 2005, "I will do whatever it takes to keep myself from having a job in September." so, not something to be messed with.

i tried to stay with that and stay open, but pretty soon i found myself spiraling down into unconsciousness, and it was longer and longer between the times I even looked at the clock. and here i am at 4 a.m.

wanting to win against that.

wanting to want to win.

at the moment, the desire to crawl under the rock is stronger. it seems so safe under there. it doesn't even matter that it hurts sooooo much. everything aches and i'm so tired of tormenting myself. how is that safe? it's not safe at all. so why does that dark hole still beckon?

i hate this shit.

but after rereading this a second time, i feel like i'm beginning to wake up a little, to feel how much this hurts, to remember why i'm choosing not to keep going down this path over and over. it hurts. everything hurts. and it's very lonely. i don't want this!

and on that note, i think i might be able to get into bed if i launch myself in that direction NOW.

but goddammit, i hate this!

OK, so maybe I'm just depresesd because I thought I was done and then discovered I wasn't, but I'm doing research for my geography paper and reading all this stuff about the amazingly rich variety of civilizations that existed in Central and South America before the Spanish/Portuguese came and destroyed everything. It's depressing. In particular, this made me cry:

In 1532 Francisco Pizarro captured the [last emperor of the Inca,] Atahualpa, and held him prisoner demanding vast quantities of gold in exchange for his release. The Incas complied with the request, and gold and silver from all over the empire was brought to Cajamarca, filling the notorious ransom room. When the Spanish demands for treasure had been met, Pizarro executed Atahualpa.

I guess I just thought about whatever motivated people to send their gold--hope of some kind, not sure exactly what it would have been, whether they felt concern for Atahualpa or just thought he could protect them somehow--anyway--they had hope, and how they must have felt when they discovered it had been betrayed.

Have a nice night.

phooey

I'm not done after all.

I wrote the department to say I was finished and they said I have to write the paper I thought I didn't have to write.

Poop.

huh what? oh... uh... wow...

So, I was in the home stretch, furiously working on my portfolio, and sent an email to the professor who ultimately has to sign off on it, asking a question about the format.

His response: yeah, it's fine, I'm signing off on it.

Me: What?--no, I just had a question, I'm not done yet.

Him: Yes you are.

So very abruptly, in the middle of a random Wednesday morning, I found myself... done.

I mean, I still have some loose ends to tie up--I have to take an exam on Friday, and I will still finish the last bits & pieces of the portfolio, because (a) otherwise I would be worried about it, plus (b) it can be useful in the job search. And I have to submit applications for certification and licensing.

But essentially I'm done. I climbed out of the hole. I came to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Actually the most apt metaphor for how I feel, is that I've been in a very long tubular water slide, twisting and turning around and totally disoriented in this claustrophobic plastic tubular world of my own brain, and now I just unexpectedly popped out the bottom of the tube into the sunlight and landed in the pool, and the wide world is all around me again with noise and laughter and splashing and now I'm really disoriented.

I have more to say about this but it'll have to be later. I just wanted to share the news. :-)