onion

Thanks so much to Mush and Loopy for their support. Seriously, that sounds trite but you know I mean it. It feels good. So thanks.

So, today I forced myself to get up (or rather to stay up after the dogs rousted me out of bed at 9am) and started by doing dishes, which is always a good start for me; I followed that up with a lot of other useful things (laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, dog food shopping, paid bills--even turned in the forms to my accountant to get started on filing my 2004 tax return, yes, I said 2004, don't ask).

All that felt pretty good. It's harder to be here than in Chicago, but it's getting easier.

I'm in a phase I recognize--I was last here after getting out of the psych ward in 1995--it's the "I'm not going back there" phase.

Many times each day I have choices like "go back to bed or stay up," or "do the dishes or surf the internet," and it's clear to me that they're choices (that's new in itself) and that one choice leads "back there" (to days of despond and ultimately the rest of my life unraveling) and the other choice leads forward.

It's not easy to take those forward steps but it's easier and easier as the momentum builds and "back there" is farther and farther back--further to fall. (The Paul Simon song 'Further to Fly' pops into my head; that was the soundtrack to another time in my life where I was choosing to move forward despite lead weights on my feet, not to be too overly dramatic or anything!)

Anyway. So then I thought, yesterday was hard, and if my next therapy session is going to be like that, I don't want it Sunday morning before i spend the day with Nadine, Chip & Alexa.

So I called to reschedule and to my surprise, OLIF answered the phone. I explained and he asked if I was okay...long story short I ended up going in for another session today.

That was a bit much, but I figured out something important.

The reason I want someone to say "I know how you feel" is that I don't want to have to explain how I feel, and the reason I don't want to have to explain how I feel (or more importantly why) is that I can't bring myself to say the words, and the reason for that is that I'm overwhelmed with shame.

It was one of those instances where I've read in books a thousand times that I might feel shame, but I didn't connect those words to this huge heavy thing in my heart.

It was also one of those instances where it was clear that there's a reason why it's the therapist's job to ask the moronic questions ("Why is it so hard to talk about this?"), because you assume the answers are obvious, but actually they're not. They're mind-blowingly illuminating.

So, well, now I have something to work on--I know how, I read in those books how to work on it--but it's totally different when you actually find the thing you're supposed to work on. Like reading about cooking is totally different from having a slippery slimy raw chicken in your hands. Exactly like that. Ugh.

I'm remarkably okay with all this. Go figure.

I have a funny story but I'll post it separately. Also I think I'm finally gonna get my Nicaragua pix uploaded; should I illustrate the old posts or make new ones? Any ideas?

Now I"m gonna go listen to Frank Sinatra b/c the title of the previous post has got "Blue Moon" playing in my head (Blue Moon, now I'm no longer alone, without a dream in my heart, without a love of my own... Have I mentioned that Loopy and I got together in a Blue Moon?)