from Nicaragua to Chicago: in transit

So, here I am in Atlanta. My flight to Chicago is delayed a couple hours... of course I only found this out after I ran through immigration & customs, so I am all sweaty. And my breath stinks because the empanada I had back in Managua (in A.C. Sandino Airport) gave me indigestion. AND, to top it all off, when I went in the bathroom I discovered that the cute little black t-shirt I'm wearing exposes about two more inches of upper arm than the button-down shirt I wore two days ago... i.e., there is a totally ridiculous-looking two-inch band of white white skin above the strikingly darker red-tan of my healing sunburn from Day 9. (I didn't realize until now that I haven't seen myself in a full-length mirror all week!)

So, I can feel confident that I am looking and smelling my absolute worst for my long-anticipated reunion with my loveygirl. :-P She probably could overlook everything but the white-striped arms... looking bad is better than looking ridiculous. Yup, I'm more of a sight, than a sight for sore eyes. Oh well!

I had a moment of serious culture shock when I came up the escalator into the terminal. Even though I anticipated it, it still did hit me. It feels like a wave washing over, a wave of sound and brightness and light, and for a moment it seems like things swirl around and I can't see anything.

"Everything's so shiny!" I complained to Loopy on the phone. Even the floor is shiny, everything's so bright and branded and clean and has sharp edges... so much information everywhere, words and colors and everything... and people are so color-coordinated...pink watch with pink sweater, clean clean clean clean.

Also, there's something pleasant and even peaceful about being somewhere where you don't speak the language--it's like being insulated from things, and conversely, there's a bit of sensory overload now that I can understand all the conversations, tv, all thee words everywhere.

The only part of this that's really distasteful is walking down the terminal with CNN blaring out of a TV in every gate. I haven't seen Wolf Blitzer's face in eleven days, and I definitely haven't missed it. Perhaps because I've been farther away than before, the climate of fear is also palpable. The frequent announcements about "report any suspicious persons or activity and don't leave your bags unattended" combine with the words crossing the TV screens: "security alert," "US vs. al Qaeda," and stuff about North Korea's nuclear posturing.

Just at the moment, it's much clearer than usual that this is all like a big fake puppet show... it's not just that I know this, and remind myself of it, but right now, I feel it. It all just seems totally fake and weird.

In Nicaragua I felt much closer to the real dangers of the world, such as bullying imperialism and ecological devestation, and much closer to the real wars--both the war between haves and have-nots (when there is a "security" guard with an AK-47 in front of every bank and hotel and restaurant, it's glaringly obvious how much violence and threat of violence is required to keep the "have-nots" in their place), as well as the daily struggle for survival in the face of poverty, natural disasters, and violence. There, it felt like everyone was pretty clear on what was real. Here, not so much. Right at this moment there's a very clear sense that all this CNN noise is like a big screen put up so nobody can see the real world beyond...

OK, I'm paying by the minute here--not a huge amount, but still--and I want to respond to Loopy's comment on yesterday's post ... I appreciate your support, a lot, thank you lovey. It was a useful experience and it was only one day... so I'm glad it worked out that way, all things considered.

I had already been thinking about missing you and being lonely and that that's really okay. Humans are social animals who function best (including health and overall survival) in closely connected groups. Many humans in the US already have pared that group connectedness down to connection with only a few other people, which is already stressful, and when you're away from those few, it's totally reasonable to feel some sense of loneliness. It's reasonable to feel lonely when I'm alone.

I've been thinking too about something I read recently, about how our ideas about dependence and independence, weakness and strength are so culturally conditioned. In our culture it's ok to depend on a car, PDA, wheelchair, and an enormous military compelling the subservient labor of the entire world, but if you are dependent on love and connection shared with other people, that's "weak" and "dependent."

OK, before I sign off, I just have to note one more thing, Loopy...you do sound quite a bit like a SMART recovery pamphlet... not that that's bad, SMART is good and I do appreciate your support. I'm just noting, is all; it's kinda cute and sweet actually ("Gawd knows she's steeped in it now!" hee hee)

Oh, one more thing! I forgot to mention, I found the best thing ever in the market, for four cordobas (about 30 cents)--it's not really gift-worthy, but it's awesome. Many locals use all-purpose bags (shopping, luggage, etc) sewn out of the fifty-pound plastic mesh bags that once transported rice & beans. So I found one of those bags with the following inscription (more or less):

FREE BEANS
courtesy of the Government of Nicaragua
Ministry of Health, Education, and Sports (or something)
NOT FOR SALE.

I just thought that was all cool and socialist and everything.

OK, I've spent twenty dollars here (hey, I considered spending it on a hand-held tetris game; at least writing is stimulating my brain rather than rotting it) so it's time to go.