doing things differently

Welllllllll this morning I had a difficult therapy session, calling up all kinds of old things I'd rather forget. I got really angry... at a person who hurt me and also at OLIF*, because I felt he didn't understand, because he kept saying "tell me more" or "how does that feel" and I wanted to scream "HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT FEELS?????? WHAT KIND OF FUCKING MORON ARE YOU??????????"

Rationally I know it's his job to say "tell me more" and "how does that feel," but I felt like I just wanted someone to say, "oh, I totally know what you mean, I've felt just like that." And of course, rationally I know that I don't want to know if he's felt just like that.

So tonight I found myself absolutely enraged over some totally minor slight that happened in a meeting (someone gave credit to someone else for my idea). But (... I feel like I'm getting to know myself so much better...) something clicked in my head that something was wrong, that this was an over-reaction, that maybe there was more going on.

So I stopped and thought about it, and before I knew it I was crying and even more furious at OLIF because he'd stirred this stuff up and now where is he when I was all alone at 10:30 at night? One-hundred-forty-fucking-dollars-an-hour away, is where he is. Anyway I knew it would be unsatisfying to call him, since--still--what I really wanted was someone to say "I know just how you feel."

So I thought about where I could find that person,** and I looked up a number for a hotline where I would find that person, and I called it, and talked to her, and also got information on support groups where I can find whole rooms full of people to say "I know just how you feel, I've felt just like that." And I felt like I was really taking good care of myself like a grownup. So that feels good.

I tried to "deal with" all this crap about ten years ago, but I didn't do it effectively. (Basically, I made all kinds of other problems, and then they were my problems, so I could conveniently forget about this stuff and shove it aside.) I asked OLIF if I really have to deal with it now, and he said I "deserve" to have the richer, deeper, more meaningful perosnal relationships that will be possible when I'm less fucked up. OK.

I dunno. I just keep trying to stay with it, not run away, not make it worse, not "make it better" in an artificial/escapist sort of way...just...you know...keep it real.

All that amounts to doing things very, very differently. So even though it hurts, I feel like there's a positive process, a transformation, ongoing.

More and more often, instead of blindly thrashing about (e.g., getting mad at the guy who credited my idea to someone else, and stirring up a shitstorm over that) I'm (1) noticing that I feel something, (2) figuring out what it is, and (3) becoming more and more able to address needs that I identify in myself.

Pretty cool, huh. All things considered.

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*Our Little Italian Friend, remember?
**Of course, I could call Loopy and I know she's always there for me, but it has felt good lately to move from a dynamic where I want her to solve my problems, into a dynamic where I solve my problems, while maintaining open communication with her about them in a way that feels more grown-up and equal and still loving and supportive.