I felt so optimistic this morning. I did my exercises and walked and instead of turning on the escapist crap (TV or DVDs), i breathed and mused and made notes about the various projects I have to work on. At around 10:30 I came upstairs all ready to start my day and get a lot done. It's 3:47 and I have to leave in an hour. Did I get anything done?
the thing is I really *want* to work on these projects. I am excited about them in varying degrees--really I am.
it's like there's a pessimist and an optimist at war in my head.
Optimist: I'm going to be a teacher and an organizer and finish my schoolwork and find a job and help plan the activist summer school, and it's all so exciting!
Pessimist: Yeah, right. You're just going to fail and be miserable, so let's just cut to the chase and get started on that right now. After all, this way it hurts the same amount and takes less effort.
Something or other that I read recently said that I should listen to this voice I've termed "the pessimist," that it may have valuable information for me. Another thing I read recently said that I should listen but not believe it.
In therapy I've been working on noticing the moment when I make the decision to get off track. Of course if I could do that I wouldn't get off track. In the Buddhist lectures I've been attending weekly, the lecturer calls it "going unconscious." She says it just takes practice to notice when it happens, and then you just sit with the uncomfortable feelings (anxiety, for me) that you are tempted to evade, and breathe deeply until the feelings pass. *sigh*
It feels like it doesn't matter what I do because this "pessimist in my head" seems to have complete power over my actions. It's sneaky. I thought I was just sitting down quickly to read one email, but that was hours and hours ago. Wha...? Wha' happen'?
This all sounds silly, but I'm emboldened by Katy's posts about her endless hours of playing computer games, and I know other people have somewhat similar problems.... Oh, did I mention my hand has been hurting lately and that typing makes it worse? Gee, let's type for a whole day without typing the stuff I really need to type! Yeah!!
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