fear to fearlessness

Last night I saw a new friend at meditation - one of the people I met on retreat. Some good friendships are coming out of that and I am really happy about that.

This friend talked about how he was trying to be fully present in all his relationships, not hold back at all, not even the smallest part of himself. We particularly talked about it in relation to family.

He's so earnest - he's only 24 - and I felt the need to protect him, to tell him to protect himself - that he was going to get hurt, that this was unsafe, that bad things would happen to him. He seemed so fearless and yet so vulnerable.

I thought more about it today, thinking surely I could quote him some teachings about being sensible, about self-defense - essentially, that I could justify how I behave toward my mother - I keep 98% of my true self out of our interactions, which I know hurts her, but I feel that I need to protect myself from her somehow.

Instead of finding teachings to defend myself I found only the revelation that everything in the teachings supports what he is doing. I wrote him the following email just now:

"Thanks for the conversation last night - it was good to spend time with you and catch up a little. I'm really glad that we met.

I especially wanted to thank you for the insight about not holding back. Again it triggered a lot of alarms in me and I wanted to ask (maybe I did ask) "is that really safe?" I felt the need to protect myself more than that.

This morning on my walk (I try to walk the dog an hour in the mornings - one of the best parts of my day!) I was thinking about it again and again thought, surely that's not what the teachings are talking about - surely that's unsafe. But I started to think about teachers and teachings and I realized - that's exactly what the teachings mean.

Pema talks about "fully enlightened" meaning "absolutely fearless." It doesn't mean that nothing bad will happen to you - it's the confidence that you can face it and be able to relate with it directly, be present with it, and not be undone.

There's also the teaching about "hope and fear," that they are two sides of the same coin - as long as you have one you have the other - and that the opposite of these is "fearlessness and confidence."

They also talk about "the path of the brave ones," and about how running away from the present moment is always about "not wanting to see something, not wanting to feel something." The opposite, of course, is being present, being willing to see, willing to feel. And that's - as far as I can tell - the whole point.

So thank you for kind of cracking open a hard place inside me. I'm grateful, though resisting the challenge at the moment. I'm not ready to come out of that shell yet, but I see it for what it is now, and that's the first step.

I really have to get you [the Pema Chödrön CD] "From Fear to Fearlessness." I believe it really speaks to where you are right now.

your friend
v

[end quote]

Dangit. Do I have to follow the teaching in this regard? Can't I just not do this part? Can't I stay closed off?

Dangit.