it is really, really, really hard to believe that it has only been two weeks since i loaded the dogs in the car and backed down the driveway (the moving truck prevented me from turning around), taking the last pictures of our house...
it feels like an eternity.
i don't necessarily feel any regrets or pinings for the house or for life in Wisconsin... but ohhhhhh I miss my best WI friend, Miriam.... and I just miss being somewhere familiar, or maybe just somewhere where the light comes in the windows at SOME point during the day!!!
it has been a roller coaster since we got here... i am finally certain of my job and our new place, but there have been days when we thought we would have to start all over again on each one. i am exhausted with all the uncertainty.
i don't have any information on my new job (curriculum, classroom, nothing) and apparently I won't have any until Aug. 20 when teachers are allowed into the building. so i'm just waiting... waiting... waiting... it's really agonizing.
i am anxious and obsessive... i only feel i have a choice between obsessing about how i might fuck up at my new job... or finding something else to obsess over... the "something else" has not been any fun... i've been crying too much and talking to my therapist too much... $$$$$
i will not be at all sorry when this month is over... god when this week is over! next week i will at least have something real to obsess over... the new job will take all of my time and attention and i CANNOT WAIT!!!!!!
i am going to meditation soon... have been going at the chicago center... it doesn't necessarily help but it doesn't hurt either....
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......success and failure are your journey*......
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*The quote in the top bar is from Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, whom I tend to view with some suspcion as a person (great teacher or charismatic cult leader? I'm not sure!), but whose teachings I often find useful nonetheless... here is a further elaboration:
The sense of trust is that, when you apply your inquisitiveness, when you look into a situation, you know that you will get a definite response.
If you take steps to accomplish something, that action will have a result--either failure or success. When you shoot your arrow, either it will hit the target or it will miss. Trust is knowing that there will be a message.
When you trust in those messages, the reflections of the phenomenal world, the world begins to seem like a bank, or reservoir, of richness. You feel that you are living in a rich world, one that never runs out of messages....
You trust, not in success, but in reality.... [W]hatever the result that comes from your action, that result is not an end in itself. You can always go beyond the result; it is the seed for a further journey.
And,
Often, when someone tells us we should be fearless, we think they're saying not to worry, that everything is going to be all right. But unconditional fearlessness is simply based on being awake....
[F]earlessness is unconditional because you are neither on the side of success or failure. Success and failure are your journey.
2 comments:
Meditation? Center? You don't do TM, do you?!
nooooo.... lol but what is so awful abt TM? I don't really know anything about it...
I go to the Shambhala Center... I am leery of Shambhala itself (not totally sure it's not a cult), but I love Pema Chödrön (who doesn't?) and for various reasons that is the place I've been going for meditation... at this point, the organizations's approaches, language, habits and ways are familiar to me... *shrug*
how the heck are YOU? geez, maybe if I read your blog once in a while I would know! *shamefaced* i have not been reading any friends' blogs lately... don't take it personally...
xoxox
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