procrastinated a bit. then panicked and flailed - did a bunch of stuff that wasn't important: looked for posters of satellite views of earth; browsed lesson plans on the "American Revolution," purchased $150+ worth of software that helps students learn to use maps. clearly all of those are dumb peripheral things, but why couldn't i see that while i was doing it?
came to the end of the day tired and in despair. why doesn't it get better?
around 9:30 i talked to OLIF (therapist) and finally ate something and started working; yet again i find myself in a very familiar place: finally getting some work done; three choices: keep working and sleep in tomorrow, throwing tomorrow off too; keep working and get up early tomorrow, to be sleepy all day; quit working when i'm actually accomplishing something and just hope that i actually get to bed and make it worthwhile that i quit working.
i'm not trying to abdicate responsibility for my actions but it does feel like i just desperately throw myself at these tasks and hope hope hope that i don't miss.
this might seem grandiose or self-pitying but this song (came up on my iPod) resonates a lot with me.... the 'you' would be my students, who need so much from me that i'm terrified i won't be able to provide:
At this point in my life
I've done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right
If you put your trust in me I hope I won't let you down
If you give me a chance I'll try
You see it's been a hard road the road I'm traveling on
And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin
....
right now, right now, I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life
....
I'm still searching for the light
Won't you put your faith in me
We both know that's what matters
If you give me a chance I'll try
You see I've been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down
I've been reaching high always losing ground
You see I've been reaching high but always losing ground
You see I've conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb
And right now right now I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life
At this point in my life
I'd like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it
....
If you can believe in this heart of mine
If you can give it a try
Then I'll reach inside and find and give you
All the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life
--Tracy Chapman, "At This Point in My Life" (New Beginnings)
I guess the last verse I should address to myself. If I can believe in my own heart... I'm trying but I'm only able to keep believing because I have no choice - if I falter I'll be lost. No choice but to hang on.
4 comments:
I read a book that said the best time to stop working is when you're productive - not as some sort of self-mind-game, but rather so that you always end at an inspirational part of your work, and picking up the work the next time isn't as arduous. It's a thought, anyway. Good luck!
I agree with your instinct about TC - that last verse is you speaking to you. This is the key - so simple we overlook it time and again. I hear your pain, honey. Lots of love!
Hugs.
That song is absolutely beautiful and one that always means *something* slightly different every single time I hear it.
I was thinking about you the other day, and so, stopped in to say and let you know I was thinking about you ;)
Take care ...
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