overcome

Wow. I'm trying to do job apps and, wow. Some of these jobs sound so great and I feel so unqualified.* I keep almost bursting into tears.

I'm tempted to think "if only I had done x or y in the last decade, I would be more qualified," but, I remind myself to just "sit with the vulnerability" of these feelings of inadequacy... and maybe give the people I'm applying to a chance to decide for themselves whether I'm adequate or not... just give it a shot and see where it goes.

To quote from the notes from a meditation seminar I attended in the fall of 2005 (which I just ripped out of a notebook and filed while waiting for my new OS to install)...

• plan the plan, don't plan the results
  
• make a choice - do something - then you find out what happens next
  
• allow results of what you've done to manifest & then see what you think

Trying to be more gentle, relaxed with this experience... ok, so since I can't seem to relax (my shoulders ache - I've been tensed up for days!), maybe I could have some compassion for myself in this situation?

Why is that so hard?

That mean voice keeps telling me that I've done everything wrong and that these unpleasant feelings of inadequacy are the appropriate punishment for all my mistakes.

Sigh. Breathe. Breathe. That's all I can do. And keep trying to write this goddamn cover letter without crying.

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*Sample course description:

Law in American Society (Honors)
Students identify, analyze, and explain the structures and functions of the American legal system in this survey course which shall cover constitutional, criminal, and civil law in America. Students investigate and analyze the judicial system under the United States Constitution, using historical perspectives from Supreme Court decisions, responses to those decisions, and concrete illustrations of recent expansion of constitutional rights. Students evaluate their ever-increasing freedoms and responsibilities under the American system of law.

Part of me says, oh come on, you could teach that - and the other part of me replies, are you nuts? I could just as easily teach AP Chinese—which is also offered at this school.