don't fear the reaper

Just watched the Christmas episode of "Six Feet Under" -- the one where it's one year since the dad died, and everyone's remembering the last time they saw him, and meanwhile the bikers have a rip-roaring funeral for the guy who worked as Santa Claus and wiped out in front of the kids. "Don't Fear the Reaper" plays over the closing credits as Nate zooms off on Highway 1 on the dead guy's Harley.

Well, all the memories of the last time they saw the Dad (it occurred to me that that's the only time in the series--I think--after the first episode--where he actually appears as a live person, instead of someone else's imagination of what he might say if he were there) -- anyway -- well, I ended up bawling.

I was supposed to go visit my folks next weekend, but I procrastinated on buying the tickets, kinda using my bad back as an excuse. We didn't see them at Christmas because of Loopy's whole thing, so the last time I saw them was in August when I went for Mom's surgery, which was a really really hard time. And now it's been a long time. There were years when I avoided them for as much as 18 months at a time, but that's in the past, and now I miss them. I think.

I did a lot of "work" in August when I was there (I keep meaning to post excerpts from a long letter I wrote in which I recorded a lot of that) and have felt a lot closer to my Mom since then...

So now recently, Mom hasn't been well, and she periodically talks about how Dad's gone downhill a lot recently, and I've been scared that if I didn't hurry up and go see them that he might die. Which I know is ridiculous -- people "go downhill" for years, decades even...

There's still the reasons I didn't see them for long stretches in the past, those reasons exist--and some other ones too, and they aren't small little trifling things, they're big, but I want those things to stay dead and buried and just not get in the way of trying to enjoy some time with them and, you know, be a grown-up, which I think of as someone who doesn't go around obsessing about the less pleasant aspects of her childhood, someone who has it together.

I just feel death getting closer, closing in. When I was younger and people talked about how when you age there's a "growing consciousness of mortality," I thought that was such a cliché and who isn't aware of mortality? But I get it now.

I was so afraid of losing my Loopy last year... it's a dream now, a fading nightmare that we're waking up from, but there's some kind of shadow that's left, a much deeper awareness of human fragility... And Ricky, and my folks, and everyone. The valley of the shadow of death -- that's where we always are.

It's a cliché, definitely, to point out that this is also the valley of life, it's all we've got. They talk a lot on "Six Feet Under" about making every day count. What does that even mean?

This is what happens when I don't have lunch. I end up bawling over a TV show. At least it's a highly acclaimed special TV show, and not a detergent commercial--that's when I know I'm really 'round the bend.

OK, well, on a slightly lighter note, I love watching the show again (Loopy gave me the box set for Christmas!) because there are so many little tiny details that are just so awesome. In an episode I watched earlier, David is talking to Keith in a coffee shop, and there are all these containers behind David's head labeled "cracker."

In the Christmas episode (it's called "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year"), Nate's last memory of his dad is when he and Claire are sharing a joint after Thanksgiving dinner, and his dad comes round the corner of the house smoking, and Nate & Claire quickly hide their joint, and when the dad sees them, he immediately stomps out what he's smoking and lights a cigarette.

The first time I saw it I just assumed he was chain smoking, but this time I realized, duh, they were all outside getting high and escaping Ruth at the same time.

It's just a little thing but it's so funny. All the episodes have little things like that... ah yes, just as I had hoped, there is a page with all the best quotes on IMDB.com. Enjoy.