springy coupla days here... muddy, drippy. lake's still frozen but water on top of the ice. i try to be cranky about the mud the dogs track in, but it's hard to be cranky about spring. saw two cranes today and a lot of red-wing blackbirds... wow. it'll be cold again, but, we're on the way...
OLIF (therapist) said today: "You really, really want to move to Chicago and get a job there... and I think this time you might actually give yourself what you want."
I had to ponder that for a while. There's a lot there... how things have worked in the past... haven't allowed myself to get what I want... hmmmm.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Saturday, March 10, 2007
overcome
Wow. I'm trying to do job apps and, wow. Some of these jobs sound so great and I feel so unqualified.* I keep almost bursting into tears.
I'm tempted to think "if only I had done x or y in the last decade, I would be more qualified," but, I remind myself to just "sit with the vulnerability" of these feelings of inadequacy... and maybe give the people I'm applying to a chance to decide for themselves whether I'm adequate or not... just give it a shot and see where it goes.
To quote from the notes from a meditation seminar I attended in the fall of 2005 (which I just ripped out of a notebook and filed while waiting for my new OS to install)...
Trying to be more gentle, relaxed with this experience... ok, so since I can't seem to relax (my shoulders ache - I've been tensed up for days!), maybe I could have some compassion for myself in this situation?
Why is that so hard?
That mean voice keeps telling me that I've done everything wrong and that these unpleasant feelings of inadequacy are the appropriate punishment for all my mistakes.
Sigh. Breathe. Breathe. That's all I can do. And keep trying to write this goddamn cover letter without crying.
*Sample course description:
Part of me says, oh come on, you could teach that - and the other part of me replies, are you nuts? I could just as easily teach AP Chinese—which is also offered at this school.
I'm tempted to think "if only I had done x or y in the last decade, I would be more qualified," but, I remind myself to just "sit with the vulnerability" of these feelings of inadequacy... and maybe give the people I'm applying to a chance to decide for themselves whether I'm adequate or not... just give it a shot and see where it goes.
To quote from the notes from a meditation seminar I attended in the fall of 2005 (which I just ripped out of a notebook and filed while waiting for my new OS to install)...
- plan the plan, don't plan the results
- make a choice - do something - then you find out what happens next
- allow results of what you've done to manifest & then see what you think
Trying to be more gentle, relaxed with this experience... ok, so since I can't seem to relax (my shoulders ache - I've been tensed up for days!), maybe I could have some compassion for myself in this situation?
Why is that so hard?
That mean voice keeps telling me that I've done everything wrong and that these unpleasant feelings of inadequacy are the appropriate punishment for all my mistakes.
Sigh. Breathe. Breathe. That's all I can do. And keep trying to write this goddamn cover letter without crying.
*Sample course description:
Law in American Society (Honors)
Students identify, analyze, and explain the structures and functions of the American legal system in this survey course which shall cover constitutional, criminal, and civil law in America. Students investigate and analyze the judicial system under the United States Constitution, using historical perspectives from Supreme Court decisions, responses to those decisions, and concrete illustrations of recent expansion of constitutional rights. Students evaluate their ever-increasing freedoms and responsibilities under the American system of law.
Part of me says, oh come on, you could teach that - and the other part of me replies, are you nuts? I could just as easily teach AP Chinese—which is also offered at this school.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
don't fear the reaper
Just watched the Christmas episode of "Six Feet Under" -- the one where it's one year since the dad died, and everyone's remembering the last time they saw him, and meanwhile the bikers have a rip-roaring funeral for the guy who worked as Santa Claus and wiped out in front of the kids. "Don't Fear the Reaper" plays over the closing credits as Nate zooms off on Highway 1 on the dead guy's Harley.
Well, all the memories of the last time they saw the Dad (it occurred to me that that's the only time in the series--I think--after the first episode--where he actually appears as a live person, instead of someone else's imagination of what he might say if he were there) -- anyway -- well, I ended up bawling.
I was supposed to go visit my folks next weekend, but I procrastinated on buying the tickets, kinda using my bad back as an excuse. We didn't see them at Christmas because of Loopy's whole thing, so the last time I saw them was in August when I went for Mom's surgery, which was a really really hard time. And now it's been a long time. There were years when I avoided them for as much as 18 months at a time, but that's in the past, and now I miss them. I think.
I did a lot of "work" in August when I was there (I keep meaning to post excerpts from a long letter I wrote in which I recorded a lot of that) and have felt a lot closer to my Mom since then...
So now recently, Mom hasn't been well, and she periodically talks about how Dad's gone downhill a lot recently, and I've been scared that if I didn't hurry up and go see them that he might die. Which I know is ridiculous -- people "go downhill" for years, decades even...
There's still the reasons I didn't see them for long stretches in the past, those reasons exist--and some other ones too, and they aren't small little trifling things, they're big, but I want those things to stay dead and buried and just not get in the way of trying to enjoy some time with them and, you know, be a grown-up, which I think of as someone who doesn't go around obsessing about the less pleasant aspects of her childhood, someone who has it together.
I just feel death getting closer, closing in. When I was younger and people talked about how when you age there's a "growing consciousness of mortality," I thought that was such a cliché and who isn't aware of mortality? But I get it now.
I was so afraid of losing my Loopy last year... it's a dream now, a fading nightmare that we're waking up from, but there's some kind of shadow that's left, a much deeper awareness of human fragility... And Ricky, and my folks, and everyone. The valley of the shadow of death -- that's where we always are.
It's a cliché, definitely, to point out that this is also the valley of life, it's all we've got. They talk a lot on "Six Feet Under" about making every day count. What does that even mean?
This is what happens when I don't have lunch. I end up bawling over a TV show. At least it's a highly acclaimed special TV show, and not a detergent commercial--that's when I know I'm really 'round the bend.
OK, well, on a slightly lighter note, I love watching the show again (Loopy gave me the box set for Christmas!) because there are so many little tiny details that are just so awesome. In an episode I watched earlier, David is talking to Keith in a coffee shop, and there are all these containers behind David's head labeled "cracker."
In the Christmas episode (it's called "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year"), Nate's last memory of his dad is when he and Claire are sharing a joint after Thanksgiving dinner, and his dad comes round the corner of the house smoking, and Nate & Claire quickly hide their joint, and when the dad sees them, he immediately stomps out what he's smoking and lights a cigarette.
The first time I saw it I just assumed he was chain smoking, but this time I realized, duh, they were all outside getting high and escaping Ruth at the same time.
It's just a little thing but it's so funny. All the episodes have little things like that... ah yes, just as I had hoped, there is a page with all the best quotes on IMDB.com. Enjoy.
Well, all the memories of the last time they saw the Dad (it occurred to me that that's the only time in the series--I think--after the first episode--where he actually appears as a live person, instead of someone else's imagination of what he might say if he were there) -- anyway -- well, I ended up bawling.
I was supposed to go visit my folks next weekend, but I procrastinated on buying the tickets, kinda using my bad back as an excuse. We didn't see them at Christmas because of Loopy's whole thing, so the last time I saw them was in August when I went for Mom's surgery, which was a really really hard time. And now it's been a long time. There were years when I avoided them for as much as 18 months at a time, but that's in the past, and now I miss them. I think.
I did a lot of "work" in August when I was there (I keep meaning to post excerpts from a long letter I wrote in which I recorded a lot of that) and have felt a lot closer to my Mom since then...
So now recently, Mom hasn't been well, and she periodically talks about how Dad's gone downhill a lot recently, and I've been scared that if I didn't hurry up and go see them that he might die. Which I know is ridiculous -- people "go downhill" for years, decades even...
There's still the reasons I didn't see them for long stretches in the past, those reasons exist--and some other ones too, and they aren't small little trifling things, they're big, but I want those things to stay dead and buried and just not get in the way of trying to enjoy some time with them and, you know, be a grown-up, which I think of as someone who doesn't go around obsessing about the less pleasant aspects of her childhood, someone who has it together.
I just feel death getting closer, closing in. When I was younger and people talked about how when you age there's a "growing consciousness of mortality," I thought that was such a cliché and who isn't aware of mortality? But I get it now.
I was so afraid of losing my Loopy last year... it's a dream now, a fading nightmare that we're waking up from, but there's some kind of shadow that's left, a much deeper awareness of human fragility... And Ricky, and my folks, and everyone. The valley of the shadow of death -- that's where we always are.
It's a cliché, definitely, to point out that this is also the valley of life, it's all we've got. They talk a lot on "Six Feet Under" about making every day count. What does that even mean?
This is what happens when I don't have lunch. I end up bawling over a TV show. At least it's a highly acclaimed special TV show, and not a detergent commercial--that's when I know I'm really 'round the bend.
OK, well, on a slightly lighter note, I love watching the show again (Loopy gave me the box set for Christmas!) because there are so many little tiny details that are just so awesome. In an episode I watched earlier, David is talking to Keith in a coffee shop, and there are all these containers behind David's head labeled "cracker."
In the Christmas episode (it's called "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year"), Nate's last memory of his dad is when he and Claire are sharing a joint after Thanksgiving dinner, and his dad comes round the corner of the house smoking, and Nate & Claire quickly hide their joint, and when the dad sees them, he immediately stomps out what he's smoking and lights a cigarette.
The first time I saw it I just assumed he was chain smoking, but this time I realized, duh, they were all outside getting high and escaping Ruth at the same time.
It's just a little thing but it's so funny. All the episodes have little things like that... ah yes, just as I had hoped, there is a page with all the best quotes on IMDB.com. Enjoy.
Flat Daddy???????
oh... my.... fucking.... god....
If you’re reading this page it’s probably because you’ve heard about Flat Daddy™ and the wonderful way it’s being used to help children stay connected to a deployed parent. He’s also filling the "blank space" in family occasion photos, event and trips. Just look at the pictures to see all the places he’s been! It’s exciting.
--from http://www.imalreadyhome.com/flatdaddy.htm
This is so horrifying to me! Is it really comforting? I guess it must be.... so many people are doing it... but it just makes me want to cry.
It turned up in a link in the sidebar on a letter from my Mom (those google ads are sometimes so bizarre!)... anyway...
In case it's not clear from what I quoted above, people with family members deployed in the armed forces create life-size cutouts of them! To help the children feel like Daddy or Mommy is here with them!
They put them in special occasion photos so it's like the person was really at the wedding or at Disneyworld or whatever!
Apparently this is comforting to them but it is just.... I can't see how that wouldn't just be depressing as hell. "Daddy's not here to kiss you goodnight but you can kiss the cardboard cutout."
I guess it's already depressing as hell to have your family member deployed, possibly in danger. Probably so depressing that it couldn't get any more depressing...
But isn't it creepy to have the flat version sitting around? I mean... what if they were already dead and you didn't know it?
OK, I'm trying to express my feelings about this and be sensitive to the feelings of others at the same time, which is maybe a doomed proposition to begin with. But still. Wow.
If you’re reading this page it’s probably because you’ve heard about Flat Daddy™ and the wonderful way it’s being used to help children stay connected to a deployed parent. He’s also filling the "blank space" in family occasion photos, event and trips. Just look at the pictures to see all the places he’s been! It’s exciting.
--from http://www.imalreadyhome.com/flatdaddy.htm
This is so horrifying to me! Is it really comforting? I guess it must be.... so many people are doing it... but it just makes me want to cry.
It turned up in a link in the sidebar on a letter from my Mom (those google ads are sometimes so bizarre!)... anyway...
In case it's not clear from what I quoted above, people with family members deployed in the armed forces create life-size cutouts of them! To help the children feel like Daddy or Mommy is here with them!
They put them in special occasion photos so it's like the person was really at the wedding or at Disneyworld or whatever!
Apparently this is comforting to them but it is just.... I can't see how that wouldn't just be depressing as hell. "Daddy's not here to kiss you goodnight but you can kiss the cardboard cutout."
I guess it's already depressing as hell to have your family member deployed, possibly in danger. Probably so depressing that it couldn't get any more depressing...
But isn't it creepy to have the flat version sitting around? I mean... what if they were already dead and you didn't know it?
OK, I'm trying to express my feelings about this and be sensitive to the feelings of others at the same time, which is maybe a doomed proposition to begin with. But still. Wow.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
when the usual phrase just doesn't, uh, fit...
Me: So, does this brand of lube come in a pump bottle?
Clerk: No, I'm sorry, just the tube.
Me: Too bad. I keep losing the lid to the tube, and it gets all over the place--the tube is just a pain in the a--uh... a pain in the neck.
Clerk: No, I'm sorry, just the tube.
Me: Too bad. I keep losing the lid to the tube, and it gets all over the place--the tube is just a pain in the a--uh... a pain in the neck.
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