compassion muscles (not to be confused with love muscles, that's a whole 'nother thing)

Tonight Miriam pointed out to me that compassion is not just the absence of hurting myself, or the silence of the self-abusive voice in my head.

Compassion is actually a thing I do (anyone does). It's a thing in itself. It's a process, an activity, an action. It's opposite to self-abuse not because it's passive instead of active, but because it's an opposing activity.

I think of it too much as NOT doing things. But when I catch and stop the nasty commentary in my head, when I notice my muscles all clenched and relax them, or when I make dinner for myself instead of eating candy, it's not just a cessation of cruelty, I'm actually enacting compassion.

Somehow this is really useful, helps inspire me to (as Miriam said) "exercise the compassion muscles." When I exercise them they get stronger, and then they can carry me through things that were once too difficult.

Just like the muscles in my back that I've trained to carry me through shocks and strains that once would have me lying on ice for a week.

It really does get better. Slowly slowly. Having others around point out to me what I can do now that I wasn't doing before, is helpful. I'm grateful to all of you who help me in this way. Thank you.