One, in Loopy's words, "Of course you're sad. Your mother is rejecting you over and over."
It's sort of indirect. She's just so colossally self-absorbed that she repeatedly does things and says things that indicate her strong opinion that her thoughts, feelings, etc. are the only ones that are interesting, important, etc.
Mostly when you meet someone like this, it's just irritating, and you might find them a bit pathetic. But for some reason (biological or sociological I don't know), most people seem to have an expectation/hope/belief that one's parents will find one's thoughts, feelings, etc. to be interesting, important, etc. So the continual reminder that they are absolutely not, is sad.
You would think (or I would think) that after 34 years I would be used to this. Apparently not.
:-/
Two, recently I have been seeing/realizing all the ways that I am like my mother—ways that I am selfish, self-absorbed, irresponsible, etc.
(Reason #37 why I am mad at my former therapist: I would say, "I'm afraid I'm like my mom," and the therapist would say, "No, you're not like your mom." Well, how the hell did she know whether I was or not? Plus, what use is it to just shut down that train of thought instead of finding out what there was to learn from it?
But I digress).
Anyway, seeing how I'm like her is very painful. But Buddhism, Al-anon and everything else that I'm turning to in my search for Answers, tells me that honesty is a very important part of, well, everything. So I have to be honest about How I Am, even though at the same time I am trying to learn to accept myself and be kinder and more gentle to myself.
At best, I can look at her and feel compassion for her, in her own way fighting the universal struggle to get away from pain and sadness, and then feel compassion for myself for using the same un-helpful techniques to try to achieve the same unachievable goal.
But at worst I just see (and feel) how much pain she causes everyone, and realize that I am the same, I am causing pain to people and blinding myself to it with self-pity, self-absorption, dissociation, etc. etc.
Like right now. Right at this minute I am being.... well, I'll just stop it.
2 comments:
remember that by being with your family you are really, really close, to yourself, to them, to Stuff. it is courageous, and aggravating and I send you big kudos and support.
i look forward to you getting back, too. your car just isn't the same without you in it. : )
oh and, is there going to be a post about the party? i am curious... no pressure, though, we can talk about it at dinner when you get back...
Ugh.
The parent mirror is so uncomfortable. So damned uncomfortable.
I'm starting to see a way through, a way to rejoice in the neat things I have in common with them and a way to truly be neutral about the crappy things they do that I've learned not to do.
Onward!
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