hmmmmmmmmm.......: sad post

hmmmmmmmmm.......: sad post

Friday, December 23, 2005

sad post

why is it so sad to be here? why does it make me feel so completely desperatey depressed just to stand in front of my mother and exchange logistical information about plans for the day?

and how can I think about this without falling into the maudlin self-pity that, I'm learning, is completely self-defeating?

"think about this," that isn't exactly what I want, but I want it to be better. how can I change this or heal it?

*sigh* unanswerable questions, maybe.

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*The quote in the top bar is from Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, whom I tend to view with some suspcion as a person (great teacher or charismatic cult leader? I'm not sure!), but whose teachings I often find useful nonetheless... here is a further elaboration:

The sense of trust is that, when you apply your inquisitiveness, when you look into a situation, you know that you will get a definite response.

If you take steps to accomplish something, that action will have a result--either failure or success. When you shoot your arrow, either it will hit the target or it will miss. Trust is knowing that there will be a message.

When you trust in those messages, the reflections of the phenomenal world, the world begins to seem like a bank, or reservoir, of richness. You feel that you are living in a rich world, one that never runs out of messages....

You trust, not in success, but in reality.... [W]hatever the result that comes from your action, that result is not an end in itself. You can always go beyond the result; it is the seed for a further journey.

And,

Often, when someone tells us we should be fearless, we think they're saying not to worry, that everything is going to be all right. But unconditional fearlessness is simply based on being awake....

[F]earlessness is unconditional because you are neither on the side of success or failure. Success and failure are your journey.