three mysteries solved...now what?

sorry this is so long...random illustrations provided for your enjoyment

So for a while now Loopy has been saying to me, "I'm worried you're getting depressed." I've been saying, "no, no, I'm fine, really."

But for the last couple days, starting Sunday, I have had intervals of feeling genuinely depressed by my definition. (My definition = you don't want to move because everything hurts, and you feel hopeless). I have been depressed intermittently in my life and never been completely sure why, or how to cure it.

All things considered it's not unreasonable for me to feel depressed right now. I have accumulated what I may, without fear of hyperbole, describe as a mountain of incomplete schoolwork, which I spend all day every day avoiding. I can't graduate, be certified, and achieve my dream of becoming a teacher until I get through all of that.

On top of that, I have also volunteered to spend all day every day avoiding work for the Black students' advocacy group I've joined, AND for the socialist organization you've heard me mention before. (No, my problem isn't that I "can't say no"--the two tasks I've volunteered to avoid are things I could easily polish off in a couple of hours).

For a long time I couldn't understand why I didn't do any of this work. It's all stuff I enjoy, think is valuable, and want to do. And I really, really want to be done with the school stuff and become a teacher. Yet, the aforementioned ongoing avoidance continues. Mystery #1.

I also noticed that whenever anyone suggests a useful and effective strategy for solving my problems, I *might* try it briefly, but if it shows any signs of being effective, I immediately refuse to ever do it again.

I feel that I want to "get better," but my behavior clearly demonstrates that I am refusing to "get better." Mystery #2.

Last is the mystery of my intervals of depression. Why does everything feel so painful and difficult? Why does the smallest obstacle seem insurmountable? Especially when I haven't been doing anything to make myself feel so tired out and used up! Mystery #3.

Over the last, say, six weeks, these mysteries have gradually unraveled and I've come to understand their interconnection. Today a final piece fell into place.

Mystery #1: I avoid things because everything seems painful.

Mystery #3: Everything seems painful because when I approach any of my "failures," (i.e. my incomplete work)—or anything that might potential become a fresh failure (i.e. anything at all)—I berate myself mercilessly and incessantly for being lazy, selfish, and spoiled. (I do? Oh, look at that).

Mystery #2: And I don't want to "get better" because if I can do that, then it PROVES that there was nothing stopping me from doing work/getting better—in other words, it PROVES I'm lazy, selfish, and spoiled.

Well, that only took me thirteen years to figure out. Think I'll figure out what to do about it before another thirteen have passed?

Or should I just give up and devote the rest of my life to a nice soothing hobby like, oh, I dunno, heroin maybe?