love it or shoot it?

Yesterday I commented to "our little Italian friend" that "I feel like I can't prevent people from hurting me. It feels like they just reach right in my head and do whatever they want."

But, now that I've identified that intense throbbing pain in my chest as a steady stream of inchoate self-abuse (that was the "final piece" that fell into place yesterday—I hadn't previously realized that I could be mean to myself without actually using words), I've realized that other people don't reach in my head and hurt me. Not at all.

Other people say and do things, and then I use that to hurt myself.

It's tempting to berate myself for berating myself. But I read in a book that I should try to love myself for it instead.

This is not easy. But I thought of a way. I can appreciate that this berating voice just wants things to change.

I want to be a teacher. Or at least to get out of this slow-burning purgatory of sitting in cafes not working.

So, look, the part of me that is screaming "what the hell is wrong with you????" 24/7 just wants these things, too. I love this voice for wanting to help, wanting me to achieve my dreams and be happy. Really.

It's not working. I don't love it. Instead, I have a growing the desire to shoot it. That can't be good.

I'm sorry for posting this stuff that isn't very interesting and is probably sort of self-indulgent. I'm just getting sorta desperate and I hope if I post it I won't forget it. But maybe I'm just making things worse with all this introspection.

Don't feel you have to read it. Really.

Speaking of self-indulgent, remind me to post what the book says about "how to tell the difference between taking care of yourself and being self-indulgent." That was useful.

Useful, useful, blah blah blah. It feels like I'm going nowhere. Don't bother to suggest anything, I promise you, I've tried it. Or it feels that way.

Maybe I should get a job. It would at least get me out of my own head. But then I'd never have time to finish my work.