a hill of beans (in this crazy world)

lately I have felt really lonely.

I'm lucky and grateful to have friends a lovely Loopy wife who love me. But what I wish for, just at this moment, which there's really nothing to be done about and maybe it doesn't exist, is someone who is engaged in the same work as I am, who's chewing on the same questions or even similar... I feel like most people I talk with, either are socialists but not public-school-teachers, or teachers but not socialists, or else they are both but are so far advanced that they just look on my struggles and confusion with tolerance and indulgence.

I realize that it is no small thing for my friends to listen; that their indulgence and kind-hearted tolerance of my babbling is a very great gift of the heart, and that sometimes they really are interested, and I don't mean to minimize or disrespect any of this. I do feel loved and I feel that my friends and family wish me well. But I am so lonely!

I am lonely for exchange of ideas, for the process of figuring things out together, where I pass on what I've learned this week and then hear from that person what they're figuring out this week, where shared "war stories" and pondering help us both grow and develop. I tried to start a radical teachers' group but whaddya know, everyone who's both a radical and a teacher is very very busy (many are also parents).

I think there are other things making me cry a lot this week: the election of course, and both my parents seem to be deteriorating more than usual (or rather picking up speed in their deteriorating process--Dad's had another smallish stroke and Mom's spinal cord is in trouble and she might need surgery that might be paralyzing). Today I had a big long meeting with an old friend and political comrade to try to resolve some long-standing differences but we didn't really get anywhere--I don't think he can even understand what I'm trying to say (feeling even more alone). I am supposed to start teaching nearly full-time next week, I have to have a lesson plan for tomorrow, and my old demons just will not go away--it's that "deer in the headlights" feeling--I am just crying and crying and dreading tomorrow when I don't have a lesson plan, and yet I just can't even think straight. I cut class tonight. My back hurts. I am trying to help a couple of students in particular but their behavior is getting worse and I think it's something I'm doing. Teachers are mean and students are broken-hearted--yesterday I witnessed meanness that could hardly have been worse if there had been physical abuse involved. I'm letting someone down whom I promised to help with something. The worse it gets the more socially awkward and weird I get, and people look at me with that look, which just increases the loneliness.

I don't think I'm depressed yet but I am worried about going that way. Right now I feel pretty sad but it's not continuous. Just today has been bad. I wonder if I should go back on my anti-depressants, but i wonder if they hide something that I need to figure out.

A favorite book reminds me that no one else can give me what I need, that what I need is unconditional acceptance, that only I can give it to myself, and I just have to start right now.

I just wish it were possible for someone else to help.

I also wish I had my freakin' lesson plan done for tomorrow, but now I've worked myself up into such a state, not to mention wasted two hours and given myself a splitting headache, that I should probably just go to bed. I can't stop crying. Now I'm angry with myself for wasting all this time, but I'm not supposed to be angry with myself, I'm supposed to be giving myself unconditional acceptance; how the heck do I expect to feel better if I can't be nicer to myself? Maybe I subconsciously wanted to cry for two hours instead of doing the lesson plan, boy that would be insane. It's the hamster wheel in my head... Am I incompetent, crazy or just self-sabotaging? The choices are all so attractive.

Sorry for going on and on. But that's the beauty of a blog. You don't have to read it or respond to it. So I can go on and on, and on, without feeling that I'm imposing on anyone.

maybe I'm getting a cold or something. drinking and staying up til 3 am on Tuesday (election day, remember?) sure didn't help. note to self... no more drinking and staying up til 3 am on a school night. Right, got it.