amy ray

oh god we love amy ray.

went to her concert last night. it was soooooooooooooo amazing. amy ray herself seemed amazed and kept commenting, in apparent awe, that the audience was fantastic.

i wonder if she plays for a lot of people who basically just show up to see half the Indigo Girls, and don't really know or care about her solo career - maybe they don't even like the harder-edged, punk-inspired stuff she plays on her own.

well that doesn't describe last night's audience... a relatively small bunch at a relatively small but very cool venue... most, hard core fans, who screamed all the words to all the songs at the top of our lungs.

our beloved Amy loved it, and complimented the singing along repeatedly. and she responded so generously... she rocked out throughout the show, but then during the encore, she really let loose and just blew the roof off. she played an extended version of one of her songs, with solos by every band member, her own solo just so unbelievably stunningly intense and energy-filled and so fuckin sexy. it was mouth-watering and mind-blowing. i don't really know how to even describe it.

i danced, i sang, i waved my arms around, i did my own rocking out... with Loopy of course... we just had such a great time. i almost didn't go... but i'm so glad i did... i was so struck by the fact that we were in the presence of real musical genius, complete greatness - it was just incredible that all this music was coming out of this one woman.

her physical presence is amazing too. she dresses in loose, slightly masculine clothing (loose-ish belted pants, button-down shirt, tie) that i must admit is not in itself attractive... and she is sometimes almost awkward, almost always seems to be containing herself or holding back (which is why the final no-holds-barred-rock-out-solo last night was so amazing!) ..... but despite its subtlety, the way she moves is incredible... a study in contrasts... powerful pounding strength at times... sensual shivers and luscious little butch shimmies at other times... keeping in mind that family members read this, i still have to say that watching her, oh, you so want to get pounded by that amazing energy! and lavished with that luscious sensuality. her sexuality, gender identity, and physicality are all quite unique...

if you haven't ever checked out her solo stuff, i really do recommend it highly.

it was also a really fun time together... as you can see from the photo, Loopy and i just really enjoyed each other as well as the music. what a complete pleasure.

you buttered your bread, now lie in it

so, unfortunately, i seem to be sliding back into depression; just got my referral from my new doctor for a new shrink (grrrr i hate our healthcare system, new job means all new doctors, start all over, ugh) and i'm gonna get going on that. i feel like i'm sliding down the slippery slope kinda fast...

it's affecting my job... a parent who sat in on my class called me 'passive' today... i know he's right, i've gotten very passive, because i just feel so damn tired all the time... i no longer have the energy to dominate my students the way i need to (think dog trainer, not fetish night, people—jeez). (i'm reminded of my advice to a new teacher on the second or third day of school: "Imagine yourself occupying all the space in the room above the students' heads..." hey, it works for me, and it worked for her... you have to mentally loom over them...).

but i'm letting them fill the space...

lately i tend to sit at the front of the room and kinda whine at them... i feel too tired to get out of my chair... it's really quite ridiculous. a teacher's aide came in and subbed for one of the teachers who uses my room, and she had my class silent and working. she didn't have to yell at them constantly, just threaten them a couple times. contrast with the writing teacher, who has even less control than i do - when she yells at the students, they all laugh. i can see myself going that way - in fact my depression about my job started on tuesday when i watched her do that.

of course, the parent's comment gave me a nice kick further down the slippery slope, and had me bawling my eyes out this evening, thinking about quitting and just giving up altogether...

so, the title of the post refers to something my beloved college roommate, Amy aka Amerina, used to say, and i'm pretty sure it's a quote from her parents. (many of the most hilarious and perfectly-pitched aphorisms i've ever heard are quotes from Amy's parents).

the title of the post also refers to the fact that i have done some things lately that i don't care to discuss here, but things that have boomeranged and are helping to kick my ass down that slope... and my lovely, darling wifey has done nothing but be sweet and kind to me... when she has every right to say something like "you buttered your bread, now lie in it."

thank you, sweet darling wifey. i am nothing without you.

you know you want to vote the shit out of this bitch.

most of you have probably seen this, but if you haven't, do check it out...
hilarious fake Obama flyer. (lots o' profanity so if that offense you skip it :) ).

bbl if i can. :)

what a weekend

• Loopy went to a depressing wake on Saturday. (Thought I should specify depressing; some wakes are rumored to be fun, but this one was infested with socialists).
  
• We went to couples' counseling Saturday. (No, no, we're fine, there's just been a lot of water under the bridge since we last went, lots of stuff to talk about, between the tumor, the move, Loopy's career situation, my job from hell.... anyway, it's never a whole lot of fun).
  
• Saturday night my car got stolen out of our parking spot behind the building. They broke a window to get in, so even if it does get recovered, god knows. Further details:
  
  
  
  • Insurance prolly won't even cover the remaining payments. No money for a new car and unlikely to get a loan for one anyway, we are indebted to the max already.
    
  • Loopy's window was also broken. We hadda get it fixed this morning, which took up most of the day.
    
  • They went through Loopy's gym bag, rejecting her shampoo, suit, flippers, etc. and took her gym bag. That was the only thing missing from her car. wtf!?!?
    
  • The worst thing, aside from the main events: there was a key to her car, inside my car. So now we can't park her car back in the parking space next to mine. So it's in the garage nearby ($20/night, tyvm). Tomorrow we're making plans to leave it in an anonymous downtown location, on the street. "It's a car without a home..." Loopy says mournfully.
    
  • I can't drive Loopy's car because of my fuckin back. So we have to decide asap whether to re-key the locks, or sell it n somehow (somehow! see above under insurance, loan) get something I can drive, or whether i should use a zip car, or what. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and Loopy said, "just tell him you need to be able to drive the car that's paid off, end of story."
  
  
• Remember how we used to be all rich n shit, n throw money around, and travel and eat fancy food, and take everyone to Lombardino's? Yeah. That's over, thank you Wall Street. We are making a budget right this minute, as I'm blogging. It sucks. (I know, I know, this is how everyone else lives, stop complaining ya spoiled princess. It's just an adjustment, ok?)
  
• When we went to get the car from the garage this morning, we stopped off for coffee at our fave locally owned n operated coffee shop (we can't really afford it anymore but we treated ourselves in honor of the misery of the occasion). The person in front of us took the last of Loopy's favorite scones. Poor bunny. Like icing on the cake, except in reverse.

Would this all be funnier if I wrote in a tone of barely suppressed homicidal fury, like our beloved Mush? No, it's not the fury that makes her funny, she's just damn funny. I don't feel funny right now. Bleah.

OK, on the plus side, we bought a pumpkin pie (at $5, cheaper than making it) and cheap organic ice cream and had a lil feast this afternoon. That was nice.

Hmmm, here's a thought. Maybe if I went to bed instead of blogging at 1 in the morning, I wouldn't get so depressed. Ya think? :P

hair

i've never understood my hair.

why is it that i do the same thing to my hair (i.e., nothing) every day, yet some days it looks like i just came from the beauty parlor, while other days it looks like i've been in a wind tunnel or just cut my own hair in the mirror?

just curious.

sex and the...yawn... huh? what? oh right... city... sex and the city... a movie review

so yeah, after all that rambling around in memory lane.... memory hellhole? lol... anyway we were pretty cranky last night so we finally saw the Sex and the City movie... (serious plot spoilers ahead, if you care). we watched that show pretty often for a while, a couple years ago, then got sick of it. the women are always doing such stupid things.

i felt the same way about the movie. it was fun to see the girls again, but then they did such stupid things. like, when chris noth was coming back to get carrie, after his moment of doubt, why didn't they just talk for a few minutes and then go back to the wedding? why did she feel like she had to never speak to him again? how can anyone cut someone out of their life like both Carrie and Miranda did when they were mad at their guys? (women who date/marry other women don't usually do that, for those of you who aren't familiar with our mating habits... we tend to be friends for life with all our exes... there was a joke about "an army of ex-lovers cannot fail" (this is of course a spoof on the 1970's gay liberation slogan, "an army of lovers cannot fail," which in turn was a reference to the ancient Sacred Band of Thebes).

but i digress.

seriously though, how stupid is it to refuse to talk to the person you supposedly love best, when you are upset with them? i mean, who taught these women how to ... how to exist in the world?? where did they get these insane ideas?

(perhaps more to the point, how did i get similar insane ideas? ok, i never suffered from their particular delusion, but i did learn stupid things - like that i should not be honest about things that hurt or upset me, but instead keep quiet and pretend everything's ok, rather than 'rocking the boat'... so in a way i learned the opposite... *sigh* still trying to unlearn that one!)

i guess part of the movie's sort-of-point was that they should learn to be more forgiving, but it was no Philadelphia Story.

honestly i would rather have watched them work through things, struggle and grow together, instead of having childish tantrums, storm off, and six months later reunite in a golden glow.

anyway, it was a bit long - a half hour was already sometimes a bit much with the Carrie voiceover... feature length, ugh.

oh and did i mention the Black servant? yes. i kid you not. they finally introduce a character of color, and it's a Black maid. I mean, personal assistant with computer science degree. whatever. and she's a soul mama and she helps Carrie get in touch with her feelings. 1953, anyone???

i dunno, what do you think?

on the plus side the fashion was quite interesting and elegant... living anyplace but NYC it's hard to imagine that yes, there really are women who wear those clothes, all the time. not to mention those shoes.

it's been quite a weekend but i think i'll put some of that in another post...

more reflections/remembries/braindump

going through and reading the old emails, inserting them into the blog...

one thing i'm noticing is my sort of brave tone... i refer to (but don't talk much about) hard things in the emails. i remember that. it seems like a clean, clear lack of self-indulgence.

as i recall, it was kind of a necessity: i couldn't afford to wallow. each moment's challenge was all that that moment could hold and i had to just stay in the moment, deal with its challenges, and not think too much.

but one memory that's almost funny now, and was really quite almost-funny at the time: in an October 30 email, i wrote, "I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday (Sat) because the surgeon listed all the terrible things that could possibly go wrong and it was just a bit overwhelming..."

I know when that was - I was at the gym, doing my stretching exercises, when I became irrationally convinced that Loopy was going to die during surgery and I only had a few days left with her, and I better get back and be with her. I started to cry rivers, though I kept doing my stretches and finished my workout (keeping to one of the major tenets of that period: maintain adequate self-care).

so at one point during this soggy workout i was walking briskly down a small flight of stairs to refill my water bottle. up the stairs came a large group of prospective members taking a tour of the facilities. the tour guide was describing all the wonderful things they had at the gym, but the incongruous sight of me coming down the stairs with tears streaming down my face made the tour guide lose his train of thought and all the tour people fidget. (that is such a Madison thing, too - to be unnerved by any show of emotion. heh.)

Another memory, or elaboration on an email from the middle of the night between Nov. 1 and Nov. 2: i wrote that "there was an acute episode." A brisk and brave (?) way to brush past something really awful. (There's no obligation to read all this, I'm just hoping it will be kinda therapeutic for me).

I had slept at home (home home, out in our small town 25 miles from the city, 30 miles from the hospital). It seemed like a good thing to do, a self-care thing to do. But it wasn't at all.

I hated being so far from Loopy, not being able to help her, take care of her. People told me "the nurses will take good care of her" but they don't. That's why you stay with people who are in the hospital. Even good nurses can't do and see everything.

So in the mornings, she always used to wake up in terrible pain. The horrible pain would wrench her awake and though pain pills were administered immediately, it would take us an hour to get it back down. (Some nurse eventually got the hang of it and would give her a pain pill a half hour before she usually woke in agony, and we LOVED that nurse!)

However, the morning I wasn't there, the nurse who came to [Loopy] in her hour of need refused to give her her pain pills until she 'calmed down' and got a 'better attitude' if I remember the phrases accurately. (The nurse never actually apologized for that episode but later explained that she was accustomed to patients in 'neuro' who did not have the rationality to decide when they should have their pills).

For those of you who know Loopy, you can imagine the fury this provoked. She was screaming at the nurse and all hell was breaking loose... she was saved by a lovely man in pink scrubs who came in and calmed everyone and told the nurse to give her her pain pills. We love that man to this day... I still have his business card floating around my car for some reason... makes me happy.

So obviously I didn't spend another night away from her for... I think 17 days.

memories & records

heh, after i wrote so much reconstructing my memory of october 27, 2006, i found that the very next email (posted here) to family and friends was a (much less lugubrious) discussion of the same events. I didn't change the post below; mildly interesting to compare the two.

memories.... (sing along now...)

So it's coming up on the 2-year anniversary of Loopy's big surgery ordeal... i've been dreaming about it and feeling sad all week (there are a couple other reasons i've been feeling sad, but trying to stay on topic here... )

i went back to read old blog entries and realized a lot is missing because i started emailing everyone... so i'm slowly putting the emails into the blog. i'll post my today-thoughts here as i do this... no need to read this, it's really very internal and i'm sure none of you want to remember all that any more than i do, it's just i feel the need to kind of go through it and ... i don't know... purge it a little?

first entry updated... checking Loopy into the hospital.

i remember why we decided to go. her pain had been so awful for months and months. she had fallen on the concrete at the gym and almost not been able to get up again (see this post, under "that mean bad concrete came up and whapped me in the face!"). she had started using a cane (i still remember the weird horror of that, the doctor fitting the cane for her and helping her walk across the room with it, the way everything seemed to be going dark and awful and yet the fluorescent lights gleamed inexorably on and everyone was doing their best to be brave and positive and even funny when we could manage it...). (and that only the latest in a series of visits to the spine clinic, visits for medication, for tests, for getting special orthopaedic back braces...)

but that day, October 27, in the living room, she was trying to stand up and she was swaying, couldn't get her balance, almost fell over to one side and then the other and had to catch herself, and almost couldn't - almost went down right there in the living room, to maybe bang her head on something or hurt herself worse.

i felt so helpless. the pain had been intermittently unbearable - she would have episodes of almost crying (Loopy never cries) and begging me to do something, anything - i would make calls and demand that someone do something, anything. (it was this that finally got us that second MRI that showed the tumor).

that day the pain was worse than ever and now this swaying, falling. i felt totally helpless. i called everyone i could. "i can't keep her safe, she is going to fall, do you hear me, she is GOING TO FALL, and her pain is out of control. we need help. we can't do this anymore."

the consensus was, go to the hospital. check into the hospital. but there apparently was no way to do that except to go through the ER.

so we went to the ER. me in that state that had come to be so familiar that year. one foot in front of the other. ready to fight when needed, waiting in between, trying to rest my mind and body as much as i could. i remember parking the car somewhere illegal and thinking, 'tow it, i don't care, i'll deal with that later.' (they didn't; probably, cars parked haphazardly and illegally around the ER entrance is not an unusual phenomenon).

and we had to fight to get her checked in. even though we had talked to her primary care doctor, the spine specialist, the surgeon's nurse - we had talked to everyone and they had a bed for her upstairs. the ER nurses were on our side. but this stupid mean bitch doctor in the ER wouldn't fucking check her in. she kept saying, "what are they going to be able to do for her upstairs? there's nothing they can do." (and she was fucking mean too - no empathy, just annoyance and attitude, like how dare we waste an ER bed on her shift - and she had the most hideously ironic name - it meant "kindness goodness" in two languages).

we were there for hours. i see the time stamp on my email (telling people we were going) is 12:09. i think we left around 1 or 1:30, got to the hospital around 2 or 2:30, and didn't get upstairs til after dark for sure, and i think it was about 6:30 or 7. as time wore on the ER got busier and busier because it was Friday of Halloween weekend. (Halloween's a bfd in Madison, ugh).

i just remember doubting myself briefly, and then gathering courage from knowing that i could not, i absolutely could not, keep Loopy safe at home. i just kept repeating that to them. 'i cannot control her pain or keep her safe at home.' it felt like they sent all these forces against me and i just stood firm on that, and knowing that i would get her in there, i had to, there was no going back.

in the middle of this, beloved friend Shamus arrived with sandwiches, which we desperately needed at that point (i believe my sandwich got cried into). i can't remember how that went down - whether he called or just showed up - but i'm pretty sure it was all his idea. he was an immense support in one of the worst hours of my life. i wish we were still in better touch with him, but he's one of those friends you never lose, even if you're out of touch for a while...

Shamus's dad is a doctor and he encouraged me to put things in more lawsuit-friendly words, like, 'you will be responsible if i take her home and she falls and is injured.' and also to stand my ground. as i recall. that whole day is a weird combo of razor-sharp details and blurry misery. anyway. Shamus was a lifeline, a godsend. thank you Shamus. we still love you so much.

finally they checked her in and we ended up in the cardio ward because that was where a bed was available. they said they'd have a bed in neuro in a day or two (they did). i remember the infinite kindness of the nurse who did the intake. i am so grateful to her too. in those awful times, simple kindness is such a HUGE thing.

as i recited the litany of events and tests, landmarks on the 'how did we get here' path, which i had recited to each new doctor and knew well ('by June she was starting to feel numbness; in July she had a cortisone shot;' etc. - this had become my job, along with managing all the meds etc, since Loopy was too strung out on pain and morphine to be able to remember anything....) as i recited that familiar litany i remember how the nurse's kindness slowly eased my frazzled nerves and i calmed from anxious defense/offense posture ('she deserves to be here dammit!') and gratefully accepted their compassion and gentle help...

it was such a haven after everything we'd been through. finally i wasn't alone. finally we had trained professionals. finally there was some pain relief. Loopy still had horrendous symptoms and i don't even want to talk about all the ways we struggled through those days and the things i did to help her through. but it was better and i wasn't alone and we were safe there. she wasn't going to fall down. it was a haven and a relief......... it woudln't start to seem a prison for another month.

This post is already so long... but i do want to keep going through these old emails and posting some... keep the record accessible.... but i'll stop this post for now.

babies for 'bama

My students are SO EXCITED about the election. It is beyond expressing, how excited they are about having an African-American president (I have about 135 students and 132.5 of them are African-American). I had four classes of 13- and 14-year-olds falling over each other to ask questions about the electoral college! How often does that happen?

I had an electoral college map on the screen and they were struggling to understand it, and begging me to mouse over different states so they could see the percentages of support for Obama, how votes have gone in past elections, etc. (Here's the awesome website I use).(Note that I have an LED projector in my room - every teacher does! glory be to thee, well-funded charter school).

Did I mention... they are SO excited!

So I enjoyed seeing some photos showing the same excitement among other African-American children.





And also found this photo of an elderly supporter, who had hand-carved a walking stick he gave to Obama...



The emotion Obama evokes is amazing. Yet I think especially older people don't quite allow themselves to believe he could win. Hell, I don't allow myself to believe he could win (especially in light of disturbing reports of Republican efforts to prevent Democrats and especially African-Americans and Latinos from voting). If he doesn't, we'll all swallow our disappointment more easily, for having never really quite believed.

But what about my students? Loopy said, "If he loses, they're gonna need counseling." I don't think she's entirely wrong. I hope that people at school realize how serious a blow it will be to the kids. I wish I could shield them from it somehow.

Heh. See how much I don't allow myself to believe? What is that about anyway?

Songs about Obama: Watch/listen now!!!

You have to check these out. I understand there are a ton of Obama songs; I've really enjoyed these. People's excitement about this campaign is just mind-boggling.

Zydeco

"Oui, on peut..." Yes we can, in Cajun French! Sweet and touching, with people dancing in a Cajun bar, looking happy and hopeful. Great line: "Barack Obama, he's the man"

Reggae

A serious earworm but still a very enjoyable song. The lyrics are great.

Mariachi

Para un cambio, vamos todos unidos, con nuestro gran amigo...
As with the other two, I just marvel at people's hope and excitement about this.


Here are a couple more...
Reggaeton: Como se dice, como se llama, Obama, Obama...

Rap: "Hail to the Chief" with a beat box, I love it.

Speech plus music: by will.i.am.... the artist put the "Yes We Can" speech to music. I'm not sure if it's an improvement or not, but this is really a classic speech and always a pleasure to hear it again.

Google "Obama song youtube" and see what you come up with!

electoral vote counter icon thingy

This website is cool. The icon is cool. I like. :) Except it's too hard to figure out what "EV" stands for (electoral votes).



My students are absolutely beside themselves with excitement about the campaign. Obama t-shirts are everywhere on the street on South Side Chicago. I don't know what they'll do if Obama loses. I am not confident of the win yet... quite convinced of the Bradley effect. :P

What do you think?

I'm not sick of talking about it, though. We watch CNN and MSNBC pretty much 24/7. You?