Friday, August 31, 2007
lots to say but no energy to say it...
...but overall the news is good. was up til 2 working last night, n long day today... exhausted, goin to bed... but underneath the exhaustion i'm optimistic and cheerful... i haven't felt this good in years... just wanted you to know. :-)
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
at this point in my life
so i tried to get started on those ten weeks of social studies lesson plans today but it was the same old story.
procrastinated a bit. then panicked and flailed - did a bunch of stuff that wasn't important: looked for posters of satellite views of earth; browsed lesson plans on the "American Revolution," purchased $150+ worth of software that helps students learn to use maps. clearly all of those are dumb peripheral things, but why couldn't i see that while i was doing it?
came to the end of the day tired and in despair. why doesn't it get better?
around 9:30 i talked to OLIF (therapist) and finally ate something and started working; yet again i find myself in a very familiar place: finally getting some work done; three choices: keep working and sleep in tomorrow, throwing tomorrow off too; keep working and get up early tomorrow, to be sleepy all day; quit working when i'm actually accomplishing something and just hope that i actually get to bed and make it worthwhile that i quit working.
i'm not trying to abdicate responsibility for my actions but it does feel like i just desperately throw myself at these tasks and hope hope hope that i don't miss.
this might seem grandiose or self-pitying but this song (came up on my iPod) resonates a lot with me.... the 'you' would be my students, who need so much from me that i'm terrified i won't be able to provide:
I guess the last verse I should address to myself. If I can believe in my own heart... I'm trying but I'm only able to keep believing because I have no choice - if I falter I'll be lost. No choice but to hang on.
procrastinated a bit. then panicked and flailed - did a bunch of stuff that wasn't important: looked for posters of satellite views of earth; browsed lesson plans on the "American Revolution," purchased $150+ worth of software that helps students learn to use maps. clearly all of those are dumb peripheral things, but why couldn't i see that while i was doing it?
came to the end of the day tired and in despair. why doesn't it get better?
around 9:30 i talked to OLIF (therapist) and finally ate something and started working; yet again i find myself in a very familiar place: finally getting some work done; three choices: keep working and sleep in tomorrow, throwing tomorrow off too; keep working and get up early tomorrow, to be sleepy all day; quit working when i'm actually accomplishing something and just hope that i actually get to bed and make it worthwhile that i quit working.
i'm not trying to abdicate responsibility for my actions but it does feel like i just desperately throw myself at these tasks and hope hope hope that i don't miss.
this might seem grandiose or self-pitying but this song (came up on my iPod) resonates a lot with me.... the 'you' would be my students, who need so much from me that i'm terrified i won't be able to provide:
At this point in my life
I've done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right
If you put your trust in me I hope I won't let you down
If you give me a chance I'll try
You see it's been a hard road the road I'm traveling on
And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin
....
right now, right now, I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life
....
I'm still searching for the light
Won't you put your faith in me
We both know that's what matters
If you give me a chance I'll try
You see I've been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down
I've been reaching high always losing ground
You see I've been reaching high but always losing ground
You see I've conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb
And right now right now I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life
At this point in my life
I'd like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it
....
If you can believe in this heart of mine
If you can give it a try
Then I'll reach inside and find and give you
All the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life
--Tracy Chapman, "At This Point in My Life" (New Beginnings)
I guess the last verse I should address to myself. If I can believe in my own heart... I'm trying but I'm only able to keep believing because I have no choice - if I falter I'll be lost. No choice but to hang on.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
missing lost things
so i've been kinda crazy since we moved but am finally starting to regain some sanity... probably because the day I was dreading, Aug. 20, finally came and went (yesterday). that was the first day we were allowed in the classroom...
let's see, yesterday. first i panicked for an hour straight in my bathroom. i don't think i hardly moved. i finally snapped out of it, drove to the school, got into my classroom, and proceeded to panic for another hour and a half. to pass the time and soothe myself during this period, i sorted all the construction paper into rainbow order, and alphabetized the envelope of cut-out letters.
today i went back to school and met with one of my fellow fifth-grade teachers (there is one more i haven't met). i learned more about the curriculum (which includes a reading textbook, ugh!) and we agreed to divide up (1) before- and after-school detention duty and (2) lesson planning work. i am to return next wednesday with 10 weeks of social studies lessons; she will provide 10 weeks of math and we hope that the third teacher will provide 10 weeks of reading. this is quite comforting.
not so comforting are some of the stories about some of the students, the fact that the computers don't work and that the leadership seems somewhat disorganized, and the possibility that we will have all the special ed students included in the regular classes BUT without the special ed aids that are an absolute necessity when you do that.
turns out we can't come back until next week, so i will be working in our tiny apartment and/or nearby coffee shop til then, also going to Targét for supplies. hoping i stay on track.
so anyway tonight at meditation my mind kept wandering (so what else is new) and i foudn myself being sad about some of the things we left behind at our house... the compost i worked so hard on for all those seven years... the potted plants, Audrey the jade plant and the nameless but fragrant jasmine... my hellebores... the trail through the woods... even the apple tree that shocked the hell out of me the first time it produced apples... snowy mornings where everything is bright and silent and the dogs are ecstatic in the yard... the bats that talk to each other under the eaves...
and beyond our house, things and people in Madison that I never said a proper goodbye to. we didn't see any of our friends before we left - too hectic. i will always miss my Picnic Point walk... that was really special to me. trout lilies and dutchmen's breeches blooming in spring, the lake lapping at the shore, full of boats in summer... in fall the maple and oak leaves coating the ground, and oh, that stunning sumac.... in winter the frozen lakes were so austerely beautiful... in spring the massive sheets of ice moving inexorably, piling up broken bits at the shore... then there was the 'congress of the birds' in late November/early December as all the migrating waterfowl cruised the lakes for a couple of days - swans flying in fives and sixes, geese by the hundreds, ducks, and all kinds of birds i couldn't even identify, swimming back and forth and round and round, talking amongst themselves... the soughing pine trees, the sharp pine scent that could be smelled even in midwinter...
then there was the beautiful drive home on highway 14 (not a highway really, just a two-lane road)... with the 'diversity farm' (three horses, a pony, a llama and a goat, whose antics Loopy and i always described to each other when we didn't see them together), mellifluous frog choruses in the ditches in spring, all the farms and cows...that one marshy field where there were always goose nests in spring, and once a crane nest, and at the right times of year, often cranes walking around eating, sometimes ducks, hawks too perched on the utility poles... the red-wing blackbirds perched on guardrails and fences, guarding their nests in spring, trilling their territorial calls... the soft spring-green mistiness of the trees getting their new leaves, of which Loopy said our first year, "don't the hills look like you want to pat them with your giant hand?" (after that we always referred to that look as "giant hand time").... there was a bend in Black Earth Creek that i loved - it always reflected the sky and the surrounding marsh grasses so beautifully.
of course there are plenty of things i won't miss. all the restaurants closing at 7 or 8. the electricity going out all the time. tornado warnings. 45 minutes to get anywhere. people who think i'm weird because i'm 'not from around here.' that blatantly stupid and ignorant racism... our basement overflowing with useless crap... our house always out of control, always too much for us.
it's coming up on a year since Loopy's ordeal... i think of it more and more lately. anniversaries are relentless things... there's a lot i didn't really process at the time and i think it's bubbling up now. sadness, loss... another thing we seem to have left behind in Wisconsin... the free-walking Loopy... maybe she'll be back, but it seems less likely as the months pass... so she remains in the past, in Wisconsin, in New York, in Arizona, in the rooms we've already passed through, the homes we've already lived in, the places and times that won't come back.
it's way too late, well past my bed time... tomorrow i have to get up and plan 10 weeks of social studies. this doesn't seem daunting. it's just work, and i know how to do it. crossing my fingers that i feel that way in the morning. i know blogging was partly just to procrastinate on going to bed, and to distract me from my anxiety, but i don't think it's all bad, as it connects me to real friends... thank you for reading. from time to time it feels extremely lonely here.
let's see, yesterday. first i panicked for an hour straight in my bathroom. i don't think i hardly moved. i finally snapped out of it, drove to the school, got into my classroom, and proceeded to panic for another hour and a half. to pass the time and soothe myself during this period, i sorted all the construction paper into rainbow order, and alphabetized the envelope of cut-out letters.
today i went back to school and met with one of my fellow fifth-grade teachers (there is one more i haven't met). i learned more about the curriculum (which includes a reading textbook, ugh!) and we agreed to divide up (1) before- and after-school detention duty and (2) lesson planning work. i am to return next wednesday with 10 weeks of social studies lessons; she will provide 10 weeks of math and we hope that the third teacher will provide 10 weeks of reading. this is quite comforting.
not so comforting are some of the stories about some of the students, the fact that the computers don't work and that the leadership seems somewhat disorganized, and the possibility that we will have all the special ed students included in the regular classes BUT without the special ed aids that are an absolute necessity when you do that.
turns out we can't come back until next week, so i will be working in our tiny apartment and/or nearby coffee shop til then, also going to Targét for supplies. hoping i stay on track.
so anyway tonight at meditation my mind kept wandering (so what else is new) and i foudn myself being sad about some of the things we left behind at our house... the compost i worked so hard on for all those seven years... the potted plants, Audrey the jade plant and the nameless but fragrant jasmine... my hellebores... the trail through the woods... even the apple tree that shocked the hell out of me the first time it produced apples... snowy mornings where everything is bright and silent and the dogs are ecstatic in the yard... the bats that talk to each other under the eaves...
and beyond our house, things and people in Madison that I never said a proper goodbye to. we didn't see any of our friends before we left - too hectic. i will always miss my Picnic Point walk... that was really special to me. trout lilies and dutchmen's breeches blooming in spring, the lake lapping at the shore, full of boats in summer... in fall the maple and oak leaves coating the ground, and oh, that stunning sumac.... in winter the frozen lakes were so austerely beautiful... in spring the massive sheets of ice moving inexorably, piling up broken bits at the shore... then there was the 'congress of the birds' in late November/early December as all the migrating waterfowl cruised the lakes for a couple of days - swans flying in fives and sixes, geese by the hundreds, ducks, and all kinds of birds i couldn't even identify, swimming back and forth and round and round, talking amongst themselves... the soughing pine trees, the sharp pine scent that could be smelled even in midwinter...
then there was the beautiful drive home on highway 14 (not a highway really, just a two-lane road)... with the 'diversity farm' (three horses, a pony, a llama and a goat, whose antics Loopy and i always described to each other when we didn't see them together), mellifluous frog choruses in the ditches in spring, all the farms and cows...that one marshy field where there were always goose nests in spring, and once a crane nest, and at the right times of year, often cranes walking around eating, sometimes ducks, hawks too perched on the utility poles... the red-wing blackbirds perched on guardrails and fences, guarding their nests in spring, trilling their territorial calls... the soft spring-green mistiness of the trees getting their new leaves, of which Loopy said our first year, "don't the hills look like you want to pat them with your giant hand?" (after that we always referred to that look as "giant hand time").... there was a bend in Black Earth Creek that i loved - it always reflected the sky and the surrounding marsh grasses so beautifully.
of course there are plenty of things i won't miss. all the restaurants closing at 7 or 8. the electricity going out all the time. tornado warnings. 45 minutes to get anywhere. people who think i'm weird because i'm 'not from around here.' that blatantly stupid and ignorant racism... our basement overflowing with useless crap... our house always out of control, always too much for us.
it's coming up on a year since Loopy's ordeal... i think of it more and more lately. anniversaries are relentless things... there's a lot i didn't really process at the time and i think it's bubbling up now. sadness, loss... another thing we seem to have left behind in Wisconsin... the free-walking Loopy... maybe she'll be back, but it seems less likely as the months pass... so she remains in the past, in Wisconsin, in New York, in Arizona, in the rooms we've already passed through, the homes we've already lived in, the places and times that won't come back.
it's way too late, well past my bed time... tomorrow i have to get up and plan 10 weeks of social studies. this doesn't seem daunting. it's just work, and i know how to do it. crossing my fingers that i feel that way in the morning. i know blogging was partly just to procrastinate on going to bed, and to distract me from my anxiety, but i don't think it's all bad, as it connects me to real friends... thank you for reading. from time to time it feels extremely lonely here.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
OMFG
Monday is the big day... I am starting to panic... I went shopping two weeks ago and bought a bunch of clothes for school... I felt so full of foresight and competence... but I forgot/didn't think/procrastinated on having the pants hemmed... I just put them in at the cleaners and they will take a week!!! What will I wear for the first week????
Part of my brain is berating me for not having taken them in sooner. THe other part of my brain is berating me for having taken them in today - "you should have just worn them long - it's better to look like you didn't have your pants hemmed, than to show up in jeans!" Aaaaaagh.
As I was really hitting max panic mode, I happened to be driving past Wrigley Field. The streets were crammed with fans and suddenly a huge roar went up from the stadium. Then the Thunderbirds zoomed past overhead (as they've been doing all day because of the Air & Water Show on the lakefront). I watched a traffic cop and a cab driver having a battle of wills. There was a faint glimmer of joy that we are in a city, we are in a city, we are in a real city, amen.
But.... my pants!!!!!!!!!
Part of my brain is berating me for not having taken them in sooner. THe other part of my brain is berating me for having taken them in today - "you should have just worn them long - it's better to look like you didn't have your pants hemmed, than to show up in jeans!" Aaaaaagh.
As I was really hitting max panic mode, I happened to be driving past Wrigley Field. The streets were crammed with fans and suddenly a huge roar went up from the stadium. Then the Thunderbirds zoomed past overhead (as they've been doing all day because of the Air & Water Show on the lakefront). I watched a traffic cop and a cab driver having a battle of wills. There was a faint glimmer of joy that we are in a city, we are in a city, we are in a real city, amen.
But.... my pants!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
our new place
so on a more positive note... here is our new building:
and here is a closeup of our portion of the building, specifically the lower left - the first floor and basement (er, "garden level" ha ha).
and here is a closeup of our portion of the building, specifically the lower left - the first floor and basement (er, "garden level" ha ha).
two weeks...
it is really, really, really hard to believe that it has only been two weeks since i loaded the dogs in the car and backed down the driveway (the moving truck prevented me from turning around), taking the last pictures of our house...
it feels like an eternity.
i don't necessarily feel any regrets or pinings for the house or for life in Wisconsin... but ohhhhhh I miss my best WI friend, Miriam.... and I just miss being somewhere familiar, or maybe just somewhere where the light comes in the windows at SOME point during the day!!!
it has been a roller coaster since we got here... i am finally certain of my job and our new place, but there have been days when we thought we would have to start all over again on each one. i am exhausted with all the uncertainty.
i don't have any information on my new job (curriculum, classroom, nothing) and apparently I won't have any until Aug. 20 when teachers are allowed into the building. so i'm just waiting... waiting... waiting... it's really agonizing.
i am anxious and obsessive... i only feel i have a choice between obsessing about how i might fuck up at my new job... or finding something else to obsess over... the "something else" has not been any fun... i've been crying too much and talking to my therapist too much... $$$$$
i will not be at all sorry when this month is over... god when this week is over! next week i will at least have something real to obsess over... the new job will take all of my time and attention and i CANNOT WAIT!!!!!!
i am going to meditation soon... have been going at the chicago center... it doesn't necessarily help but it doesn't hurt either....
it feels like an eternity.
i don't necessarily feel any regrets or pinings for the house or for life in Wisconsin... but ohhhhhh I miss my best WI friend, Miriam.... and I just miss being somewhere familiar, or maybe just somewhere where the light comes in the windows at SOME point during the day!!!
it has been a roller coaster since we got here... i am finally certain of my job and our new place, but there have been days when we thought we would have to start all over again on each one. i am exhausted with all the uncertainty.
i don't have any information on my new job (curriculum, classroom, nothing) and apparently I won't have any until Aug. 20 when teachers are allowed into the building. so i'm just waiting... waiting... waiting... it's really agonizing.
i am anxious and obsessive... i only feel i have a choice between obsessing about how i might fuck up at my new job... or finding something else to obsess over... the "something else" has not been any fun... i've been crying too much and talking to my therapist too much... $$$$$
i will not be at all sorry when this month is over... god when this week is over! next week i will at least have something real to obsess over... the new job will take all of my time and attention and i CANNOT WAIT!!!!!!
i am going to meditation soon... have been going at the chicago center... it doesn't necessarily help but it doesn't hurt either....
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