tide in, tide out

depression seems to be coming back - last 10+ days. i fought it, then panicked about it ... didn't get work done, started to feel like i'm going under at school.

now remembered to accept it and just put one foot in front of the other, not make a big deal out of it, not do the headless chicken routine (either internally or externally) nor the deer in the headlights... just do my job... ok so briefly i was enthusiastic, even ecstatic, about doing my job... it's ok not to be enthusiastic, it's ok not to love it every minute, just keep doing it.

i feel insecure toward my friends, my wife. i feel anxious and harried. Saturday i collapsed into a shaking, weeping mess over an insult from a relative stranger whose opinion i don't value.

but after some deep breaths and mindfulness in a warm tub, i found my feet again and reminded myself how to get through this. just do the next doable thing. every minute take stock of where i am and what i can reasonably do. reasonably being the key word. don't try to work miracles if i only have 15 minutes. don't try to make every lesson a superstar production. there are those in administration who decided i'm wonderful; they could just as capriciously decide that i'm terrible. i have no control over that. i have control over showing up every day with some degree of preparation and doing what i am supposed to do, trying to teach my students, loving them and being constant and stable in their lives. that's all i can do and that's all i need to do. just my job.

the headless chicken and the deer in headlights are both manifestations of the desire to be rescued - the hope that being helpless will result in help - from somewhere, somehow. renouncing these two animals means taking responsibility, not looking outside myself. being mindful. and that has its own hopefulness in it... or if not hope, a sense of trust. trust in myself... that i keep going, that i survive.