Happy Ostara!

A day late, just noticed it on the calendar. I remember how cool it was to find out that the root of "Easter" is "Ostara," the goddess of spring or something. Those old old things persist. Like there is a river in Iran whose name sounds sort of like "Cyrus" (in Persian), and they think maybe it was named for him but got corrupted during the centuries when people forgot that Cyrus the Great's palace and tomb are along the river... they made up mythical stories to explain the ruins...

For those of you who don't facebook (Amy! C'mon already!) here's a recent pic I took of myself with my iPhone (now my profile pic on FB). The fisheye did something good for my face somehow. Anyway. This is me now. In my classroom actually, though I don't think you can see that.

Spring is coming fitfully to Chicago, sunny 60-degree days alternating with snow and sleet... my students call it "pneumonia weather," cuz you get fooled by the midday warmth and don't wear enough clothes to be warm enough in the late afternoon and evening.

I seem to be past that depression that I discussed in the "tide in, tide out" post. I enjoy my job (although I've been a bit frazzled lately, but generally positive - and we only have a week left til spring break!). I have some added responsibilities right now (I have to do some observations and schedule peer observations for the other teachers) but so far I'm not too far behind. I don't know about observing my colleagues... how do I give them feedback without offending them... ?

Talking to Nadine pretty regularly has helped me a lot. She always reminds me to care for myself, and I always seem to need reminding. I feel lonely and needy and then she reminds me that I have what I need... it's like I think I've run out of something important and I'm panicking and then I open a cupboard door and there it is, a big box of it. Love in a box. Love I can give myself.

I got my sleep apnea machine but am still trying to catch up on my sleep - they say it can take several weeks. I'm still sleepy all the time. It's funny that Loopy and I both have one - we're like the twin Darth Vaders.

Right now we're dogsitting a little poodle who is completely adorable; Mr. Pickles (our bad dog from the pound) tries to eat it periodically, but it can stick up for itself pretty well :)

Loopy is getting tired of walking dogs and starts to feel she's wasting her life. So she is thinking about teaching at a community college or some such. She's a little depressed to be in this spot - developing a goal but not yet making any move to take a step toward it - but maybe she'll start taking steps soon and start feeling better. I had become reconciled to her doing her music blog and walking dogs - for a while I resented that I was working and she was playing with the blog, but I know she works hard with the dogs and fundamentally I just want her to be happy.

Otoh she needs health insurance and our COBRA is going to run out in the fall. So either she needs a job with health insurance or we need to buy some - at least for a few years even if the healthcare bill takes effect... which reminds me... (flipping TV on to check on the progress... big vote on the healthcare bill is today, supposedly...)

Anyway... I guess that's it for me for now... I will try to be more regular about blogging. Now that I don't do therapy, it's good to have a chance now and then to just kinda take stock of my life and what's going on... step back and see the big picture.........

tide in, tide out

depression seems to be coming back - last 10+ days. i fought it, then panicked about it ... didn't get work done, started to feel like i'm going under at school.

now remembered to accept it and just put one foot in front of the other, not make a big deal out of it, not do the headless chicken routine (either internally or externally) nor the deer in the headlights... just do my job... ok so briefly i was enthusiastic, even ecstatic, about doing my job... it's ok not to be enthusiastic, it's ok not to love it every minute, just keep doing it.

i feel insecure toward my friends, my wife. i feel anxious and harried. Saturday i collapsed into a shaking, weeping mess over an insult from a relative stranger whose opinion i don't value.

but after some deep breaths and mindfulness in a warm tub, i found my feet again and reminded myself how to get through this. just do the next doable thing. every minute take stock of where i am and what i can reasonably do. reasonably being the key word. don't try to work miracles if i only have 15 minutes. don't try to make every lesson a superstar production. there are those in administration who decided i'm wonderful; they could just as capriciously decide that i'm terrible. i have no control over that. i have control over showing up every day with some degree of preparation and doing what i am supposed to do, trying to teach my students, loving them and being constant and stable in their lives. that's all i can do and that's all i need to do. just my job.

the headless chicken and the deer in headlights are both manifestations of the desire to be rescued - the hope that being helpless will result in help - from somewhere, somehow. renouncing these two animals means taking responsibility, not looking outside myself. being mindful. and that has its own hopefulness in it... or if not hope, a sense of trust. trust in myself... that i keep going, that i survive.