hmmmmmmmmm.......: April 2010

Saturday, April 17, 2010

loss

peeling barka year ago today i said goodbye to someone very important to me. some of you know that story - some don't - no matter - now it's a year later. i am a numbers girl - i remember numbers and dates forever - and anniversaries are in my subconscious, in my bones and blood, and they bubble up and burst. often, i am confused by a wash of inexplicable emotion until i recall that it's an anniversary - sometimes of something i haven't thought of in a long time.

the first time i noticed that was on the anniversary of the death of a dear friend - those of you who knew me in college will remember that in the spring of my/our junior year, a dear friend and my grandmother both died almost within a month of each other. it kicked off a very confusing time for me, because i'd always been able to control my emotions prior to that, and suddenly, my emotions were out of control and i couldn't even parse, couldn't even understand the experience. i think at the time i formed some new counter-productive habits for reacting to feelings and for dealing with my reactions (as opposed to the old counter-productive habit of not dealing with my feelings at all), but i didn't know any better, and my one counseling session that i went to at the time was helpful but definitely insufficient.

anyway, exactly a year later i was hit with floods of grief and tears before i recalled that Jessie had died on April 13. I still remember the date though the echoes have faded with time.

9/11 was another anniversary that hit me - that first year later, i felt nameless terror as though something else horrifying was going to happen the next year on that date (most of you know that i did have close personal connections to the events of that day).

and tonight i felt a knot of things that i unraveled to find an anniversary again.

.... so much loss last year...

last spring, our dear white husky died, sometime around this time (oddly, that's a date i've forgotten). not too long afterward i took our remaining dog, the sweet collie, for a long walk along the lakeshore, admiring the beauty of the willows that were just budding out in their long golden-green swaying strands. two months later that dog had died too. bittersweet. bittersweet. good memories remain precious, no matter what, but tinged with loss, they do become bittersweet.

last weekend we took our new dog for that same walk, to enjoy the willows budding out, and the next morning he woke up lame. he is a little better today because we went back to the vet yesterday and amped up the painkillers quite a bit. but he has been disabled and whimpering all week, and until yesterday he seemed to be continually degenerating. we have been terrified of what might happen next.

so much loss. so much loss. yet my life has been blessed with so much abundance, too, for which i am grateful. and you can't have one without the other, i guess....

Friday, April 02, 2010

spring break trip to Milwaukee :)

Went Milwaukee with Miriam for a day... Just a quick dash through some of the photos...
First, we went to an amazing photography exhibit at the Milwaukee Art Museum... for those of you unfamiliar the museum was designed by the amazing architect Santiago Calatrava (here's a photo of the whole museum... and get this... the "wings" close at night!!!!!)

The exhibit we saw was called Street Seen: The Psychological Gesture in American Photography, 1940–1959 (that link is very much worth a click)... some mid-century photographers just beginning to break the boundaries of what had until then been primarily a medium for portraits and journalism. The grainy battlefield pix from WWII inspired them to capture the movement and moments of urban life... it was really quite amazing exhibit, I wish I could transport each of you there (especially Goblinbox, I think you'd really get into it!)

Here are some pix of Miri and I playing around with the architecture and objets d'art...










Of course, even the parking garage is spectacular...




Miriam had booked massages for us for later in the day which was a brilliant idea... mine was a birthday present, thank you dearie!!! so much!!!!

While waiting for the massage time we shopped around some vintage stores in the Bayview neighborhood, Milwaukee's answer to what Williamsburg used to be like when we lived in NYC. I bought a bunch of LP's (yes, actual vinyl) for Loopy for her birthday - vinyl is apparently making a comeback among music aficionados (aficionadi?) and she's getting a turntable from Mom for her birthday (I can say all this cuz she never reads my blog, haha!)(not that it would be a very big surprise... I have to ask her what kind of turntable to get :P ) So I picked some classic records either because I know she loves them or, for most of them, because they had great cover art or an enclosed booklet that's still there, or whatever. that was a blast...

Dinner was delicious, rare tuna in a yummy salad and "Asian slaw," peanutty noodley cabbagey goodness. All this at a very down-home feeling place called Lulu Cafe.

The-e-e-e-e-n, as if it could get any better, Miriam had booked an amazing art deco hotel via Priceline... deliciously cushy beds and a DEEP WATER TUB which alone would almost have made the trip worthwhile.........

AND of course I had to indulge in my passion for ROOM SERVICE...



Room service chocolate cake = $13
Room service delight = priceless :)




The next morning after the above room-service breakfast (fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice in its own little carafe!) Miriam brought out the art supplies and I made a collage while she looked through the exhibition book she'd bought at the museum. Miriam commented that she's like my drug dealer, except for with art.




The finished piece is called "The Gaze, aka doing this project made me want to visit Cuba." (the frame for all the faces is an old Cuban building with arcades around a courtyard...)

Checked out an hour late because of the collage, happy happy happy as a clam. Drove home with my "Drive to Milwaukee Mix" on my iPod. All's right with the world.

Have some work to finish up today and Sunday, hope to enjoy Saturday THOROUGHLY with my lovey. This spring break has been delightful and restorative. The weather has gotten extremely mild and delicious... after I take the dog for a walk I'm gonna open all the windows. Welcome spring!

(added a new tag... I had tags for depression, fear, and death... now I have a tag for "happy" :) :) :) )