winter blahs

so another year older... last week or two i've been going downhill pretty steadily... so tired... think the winter's getting to me... have felt over my head at school - have three classes instead of two - and a lot of new students, few of whom are at all pleasant; meanwhile most of my old favorite students are gone to other teachers. or so it seems atm. and i just got a raft of additional responsibilities which, at the time i volunteered for them, seemed exciting and an honor, but now seem overwhelming and heavy.

i did promise myself on my birthday, to try to take care of myself this year and not look for other people to cheer me...

i probably just need some sleep. did i write before that i got diagnosed with sleep apnea? but i'm still waiting for the treatment, for various reasons. i'm sleepy all the time, and every time i sit down i fall asleep. it's embarrassing in meetings and really not good in the classroom - hafta stay on my feet all day. i even wrecked my car falling asleep while driving, so i don't really drive anymore.

on the plus side, my psychiatrist is also a doctor of sleep medicine and she said i'd probably lose a lot of weight once i get my treatment (a cpap machine - Loopy already has one) and need less medication. we'll see. it would be nice to have my waist back lol. most of all it would be nice to want to stay awake past 8:30.

so... you know... that's how it is sometimes...

on the plus side, Loopy bought me 4 dozen roses, a chocolate cake, and a wireless printer for my birthday. we went out to eat at a Japanese home cooking restaurant, one of my faves. yay!

hip pappy bithuthday! the celebrations begin

I always make a big thing out of my birthday, as I mentioned in 2006 (part 1 and part 2), 2007, and 2009. In 2008 I was in bad-job hell and apparently either had no fun for my birthday or failed to comment upon it. In 2005 I posted on my birthday with no mention thereof. Go figure.


Anyway, my celebration began on Saturday at the Art Institute, where I met some fun people (through my Meetup.com group that I created, Lakeshore Sketching & Painting). We went to the Asian gallery that's basically the first thing inside the entrance, and went to work - I sketched an 11th-century statue of Vishnu (in the guise of a man-lion) tearing a demon apart. Kinda gruesome, but hey, there was a bench in front of it.

I developed affection for the statue as I sketched it. Particularly for the very, very subtle curve of arms and legs that made them appear so graceful yet strong. At left, my little effort, which reflects the fact that I couldn't resist a pack of colored pencils in the gift shop.

Then, yesterday, we went shopping at Macy's (celebrating Valentine's Day by spending the day together, but I'm considering it a dual-purpose celebration, also counting as part of my birthday :) ). I bought a new coat so now I look like a grownup with a job instead of a homeless person. I love my new coat - it's brown suede lined with plush faux mink that's sooooo soft and yummy. Super-warm too. Then to go with it I needed a new hat, gloves and scarf. I spent $80 on the coat (between a sale and a $50 gift card) so is it unreasonable that I spent $180 on a sheepskin hat? I think yes, but it's brown, matches the coat, and I think both appropriate for Chicago yet not unattractive.

I stopped myself from also buying a new briefcase and shoes. Well, I didn't really stop myself; we ran out of time.

Also hit Lane Bryant and got new jeans (finally) and new pants for work, which necessitated new underwear. If you don't know what I mean, don't ask.

So we went a lil nuts. It was great. We topped it off with dinner at our fave sushi restaurant where I had the chef's special for $40 - and it was special indeed!!! Worth every penny! (of course I could have had the chef's very special for $80, so it's not like I didn't practice some restraint!)

Today the plan is to get some work done and also get my hair cut and colored. I will look like a new woman at work tomorrow. (Yes, we had a four-day weekend! Yay!)

This coming weekend, Rie and her significant other are visiting, so that will be a blast - and it's specifically designated as a birthday celebration, since she and I have almost the same b'day, yay!

The following weekend is when I'll have my birthday party, where I'll gather a bunch of people from two previous jobs, the current job, and one from the meditation center - it's kind of a motley crew, we'll see how it works out. We're going to dim sum at the Phoenix, which we have greatly enjoyed in the past.

On my actual birthday we have to do something, because in the past, if we don't, I have gotten kind of depressed. So we'll probably have dinner out somewhere.

So that's the birthday plan for this year. I love my birthday.

discipline

No longer doing the nightly checkins here - easier via email to Nadly - too boring here!

My meditation instructor recently reminded me (and it's now a post-it on my mirror) that discipline isn't, by definition, something cruel that hurts you. It's something that helps you, that you want... something you even enjoy.

This applies most centrally to meditation, which I'm still not doing. *sigh*

But it also applies to staying late at school to get all my work done before the next school day, which I also haven't been doing - I've just been going home and falling into bed. A little discipline wouldn't hurt. I stayed late today - just a couple of hours - but it feels good to know that I'm going into the next day better prepared and less harried.

It doesn't help that I've been so tired lately. Well, I've been sick and it keeps me up coughing. But I'm always tired... for a while now, whenever I sit down I fall asleep. I have a sleep study on Monday night (the kind where you sleep in a hospital with electrodes all over your head) to try to determine the reasons and see if I need a sleep apnea machine. I'll keep you posted.

i made a commitment to write every night to assess the care and kindness that i had given to myself that day, as a reminder of my goal of giving myself what i need. i set this goal so that i won't seek what i need in another, so i don't get those frushes and crushes, the idea that someone else can make me happy - so i don't get hooked on other kinds of things either, thinking any thing will make me happy either. so i can remember that i have what i need and i can give it to me.

i've been sick most of the week and lost my voice completely. it's frustrating and boring. i've lain around the house but not really taken care of myself. i don't feel coddled, i feel like i dumped me by the side of the road. i took two days off work but felt guilty about it, punished myself by not really making myself comfortable i guess.

this whole exercise - writing this putatively daily update - feels ridiculously self-indulgent. but i remember i read somewhere, when you are actually caring for yourself is when the voice in your head says you're self-indulgent... when you are harmfully self-indulgent, the voice is silent.

so when i feel guilty, it's a good sign? i guess. i've felt guilty for two days. back to work tomorrow, a half day then the weekend. hope i get my voice back soon...

healing thinking... six things that have helped me

I felt that the previous post was depressing me so I thought I'd revisit something I learned in the intensive outpatient program over the summer... six ways to think positively, to undermine self-sabotage. It has really been a life-saver for me - stuck on a post-it on my bathroom mirror - how many mornings has one of them caught my eye and helped me start the day on the right track, or go to bed in peace?

1) What is going well right now?
School is overall going well. I got asked to be curriculum specialist. My marriage is great. Things are going well for me - they really are.

2) Stay in the present - what do I do NOW?
Now, I'll finish writing this and go to bed.

3) Remember my accomplishments
I went to Harvard and graduated summa. I lived in Japan and learned Japanese. I traveled all around the world by myself. I learned some of the language everywhere I went. I've traveled to all kinds of places since then and learned bits of more languages. I learned web design and became a (however faulty) managing director at a company. I went back to school even though it was very difficult. I stuck it out through the first two hellish years of teaching. I've gotten through a whole semester (minus two weeks) of teaching here without falling down. I can do the next thing too.

4) Replace "I can't do it" with "I can do a little of it."
Self-care doesn't have to be perfect tomorrow any more than anything else has to be perfect tomorrow. Just do a little bit every day, then try to do a little more; it's all ok.

5) I am ok on my own.
Remember that I fear abandonment and that I can relax with that fear. I am actually ok on my own and I can care for myself. The neediness that I feel is just a feeling. I am ok. Allowing that neediness to be expressed puts unbearable pressure on other people and destroys relationships. Breathe. I'm ok.

6) Remember I have a purpose in my life.
I want to help and heal.

I recommend these six to anyone who needs a more positive outlook... as I said they've helped me many times and now they are helping me end this day on a positive note.

Love you all.

spent the whole day in a state of extreme "poverty mind," feeling like i needed - really needed - something outside myself. scrambling for it, casting about in hopes of finding it. even though i saw what i was doing, i didn't stop. didn't take a shower, didn't eat.

feel drained and flat.

plans tomorrow to work all day. had planned to have long dog walk and meditation in the morning, but those have been sacrificed to starting work earlier and cleaning out the dining room so we can have a friend of R's to dinner that night. i was supposed to do the latter today but i was ... yeah.

so, not such a great day in self-care land.

i know going for a long walk will make me happier than getting on the computer. but i did the latter anyway.