happy spring...

happy again... my new meds (well, new a year ago now) have really turned me into a different person... mostly i'm happy, most days - almost all days - i'm glad to be alive. Pema Chödrön says,

“I’m glad to be alive to agreeable, I’m glad to be alive to disagreeable. And I’m glad to be alive to sour and sweet and tingly and itchy, and refreshing and cold and hot and the whole thing. And it doesn’t matter that there is this voice that says I don’t like this, or I do like this, that’s fine, you know, that’s also fine, but somehow open and at home, with your body, your mind, and your world, and meditation is actually the means or, the tools that we need… It actually is that the present moment is the doorway to liberation, vastness, unobstructed quality of our mind. And we could experience the world that way.”

and just because of the meds i do begin to feel glad to be alive to different experiences, interested in what's around the corner... i know my world is still small and cramped compared to the "liberation, vastness, unobstructed quality of our mind" that i experience when i do meditate regularly (haven't been, due to the falling-asleep issue)............but i open my arms to the wind and the sunlight and i tip my head back to blue sky or rainy.... and laugh or smile and just feel glad. i love the trees blooming right now - i've taken photos - wait let me upload them...




and i love the blossoms falling so sweet and fluttery, flowing and eddying like powdery snow in the wake of cars... i love the tulips so red and the tulips falling apart... this morning i walked out in the park and i loved the birdsong and the sound of wind in the trees, the sweet smell and feel of dewy grass... spring is in full swing and summer's coming... i have so much to cover in my classes and so much joy to be able to have so much to teach.

looking ahead to the summer, i'm gonna quote (with some editing) from an email i sent to Nadine... i'm laughing as i note somewhat more anxiety and somewhat less 'glad to be alive' than what i'm expressing now... that's ok... glad to be alive to anxious and glad to be alive to peace.

"have a trip planned to Montana and Wyoming (wild beautiful country like in Brokeback Mountain) to see a bunch of cousins - but it's me and mom in the car for 10 days - what was i thinking? ? panic setting in. wondering how to fix that - but her whole trip depends on me chauffeuring. well, i'm gonna ask her how i can shorten it - there may be some days at the beginning and end where the cousins can drive her places.

i mean... i know the scenery is beautiful but... TEN DAYS???? damn...

on top of that i just accepted a job from the boss's boss's boss, writing curriculum in the summer... which wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't already accepted another job writing curriculum for my own boss (the principal) and a third (well that was foisted upon me) working with an outside program to design and provide select services to specific students.

I don't know what all these jobs entail and how much of my time they'll take up, but I'm starting to worry that I won't get any summer break, and come fall I'll feel like I was at school all during my break. I'm told curriculum writing involves taking all the materials away and coming back later, not being at school all the time, but i'm suspicious. anyway i took the jobs for the sake of the serious banking of brownie points... so i think i should just focus on that and consider this summer an investment... frontload the brownie points... hopefully the investment will pay off in the long term and not just be a stupid move in a game i was bound to lose.

so i have this wyoming-montana trip lined up at the end of june/beginning of july, and a week-long queer buddhist retreat in august (same one i went to last year) and id like to get something else in, a trip to new york maybe - i'd like to see the cousins in Boston and Colin and Joel in NYC... and just be in NYC for a day or two... i miss it and i love being there when i get the chance... i've also thought about going overseas somewhere but i don't think i really have time for that... and i'd like to go somewhere with R (she is not interested in the NY-Boston trip). She can't really get any time off work for various reasons... so a quick trip to England to see our friends there is out. A quick trip to Minneapolis is more appealing to her... but that's frustrating cuz it's in driving distance but we'd have to fly because R doesn't have any time. So all this adds up in terms of time and money. I'd have to choose between my east-coast trip and our couple trip to MN, and R doesn't seem to care but I don't know if she does or not, or if I do or not ("I can spend time with you at home," she says). So anyway. Lots to think about. Lots of balancing acts... between what i want to do if i could do anything, and what's in the realm of the possible, and commitments i've made that i am reconsidering too late...

(end of email to Nadine)

so that's my news, my life, my state of mind. long post... my 800th, incidentally. yay me, yay blog. blog is 6 years old, born on May 18, 2004. Weird. May 3 is another anniversary, a good one - first contact with a friend. Recently met a new potential friend - translator of classical poetry in Persian, Latin, Chinese, etc etc... speaks every language, it seems... he knows more than i do about a lot of things, which makes it fun to learn from him but also makes me feel stupid, so i can't take too many hours of conversation with him... he also talks a lot... so you know, like any friend, good and bad mixed together. trying to make more friends here in Chicago... settle in and make it home. still doesn't feel like home and when i think about it i'd still rather be in NYC, but Chicago is so much cheaper and really has many charms, so i need to reconcile myself to being here.

babbling now.

love to all.

chasing and dodging

after a few attempts to dodge my feelings with chocolate and bunny-shaped graham crackers, i'm making a good dinner (well, defrosting one) and some favorite chai and sitting down with them.

actually, if you could have heard the convo in my head, you might have been surprised to find some familiar players.

me: maybe i'll have a drink... maybe some more chocolate... what's so wrong about numbing out the feelings?

miriam: you know you will have to feel them eventually.

me: oh cmon are you sure? do i have to?

michelle (goblinbox): yup. those are the rules. sorry babe.

so anyway. my aunt died in September and i've managed to ignore that fact. i haven't called my mother more than a couple times since then, because i don't want to be reminded that she's grieving tremendously for her sister. (yes, i beat myself up about that a lot, but i won't here). it's bad enough i get her emails about her sadness, cc'd to me as she writes other friends (a standard m.o. for her).

but now that i'm heading to AZ in less than 72 hours, i can't avoid the fact that i'm going to be immersed in the collective grief of my uncle, their three sons, and the wives and grandchildren - and of course my mom. i'm dreading it. absolutely dreading it. i don't know if it's because my grief is walled off or because i'm afraid theirs will be so much greater than my own that it will be overwhelming or what.

i should look at it as a time to be kind to people i love. but i'm afraid of all those feelings. i'll try to let go of those fears and take on the positive viewpoint. and to remember, as all of you would remind me, to be gentle to myself.

list

i came up with three things i want to do to make friends, get out of the house, and not go crazy or drive Loopy crazy this summer.

1. get involved in Obama's healthcare campaign.
2. yoga - i tried going to a qi gong class yesterday and it was perfect, but it's hard to find a good teacher and yoga's just everywhere by comparison. Loopy said she'll do it too!
3. monthly miksang photography meetups with Chicago-area miksang peeps. either join it or make it! yay!

So that's the plan.

If I'm bipolar, I'm defo going manic.

money & value: some observations

(no, not 'values,' just 'value')

Now that I have only $10 spending money a week, and "one of each" is usually not an option, I am figuring out what's really important to me. In terms of consumer goods anyway.

1. Ice cream. Bad ice cream is beyond unsatisfying... it's really depressing. To me anyway. It makes me want to cry.
2. Soap. Good soap is just so worth it... both for the smell and the feel, during and after the washing experience. It makes a shower feel that much more like an act of loving self-care. Fortunately, there are good soaps that aren't THAT much more expensive than shit soap.
3. Alcohol. I don't drink that often, but when I do, I want it to be good. Gooooooood.

Some more things I've figured out:
1. Cheap chocolate is more palatable when cut with a lot of other stuff. Peanut butter, peanuts, caramel, etc.
2. Cheap lotion smells less like motor oil when heavily scented.
3. It's kind of amazing how often a coupon still doesn't make an item cheaper than the store brand.

the new economy, chez nous

During the boom years, the Loopy-Loopy household was "cheating" a little... no, not that kind of cheating. :) Financial cheating.

See, I was always taught that you're not supposed to sell anything that qualifies as capital—you're supposed to hoard capital and use the income that it generates. That's how you become a robber baron like my great-grandfather.

So, our investments were growing so fast that we could cheat... we would gradually sell off a small percentage of capital and use that for our living expenses, without stopping the overall growth of our total assets. Hence the extravagance for which we were known in years past.

Since the crash, our capital has shrunk like a certain feature of a gentleman who has stepped into frigid water. It's scary how small it is. So we suddenly have to live solely on income. We thought we might have to sell our house because we can't make the mortgage, but we made up a budget and we can just squeak by if we stick to the budget.

Suddenly, I'm living like a regular person.

Now, being a pessimistic apocalyptic sort, I had always anticipated this - actually, as friends can attest, I anticipate having to struggle for survival amid the blowing dust and massive ruins of post-civilization. So it's not a shock. But it is an adjustment.

Herewith a brief rundown of some of the adjustments...

Situation	Before	After
change of seasons; dogs shedding	call groomer; drop of scraggy dogs; pick up gorgeous dogs	lift dog onto table; hold violently struggling, howling dog while brushing; week of horrendous back pain. repeat.
horrendous back pain	acupuncture	hot baths, tiger balm... and who knew those things could really be used as massagers?
vet calls; dog needs blood test	"when can we come in?"	"Is it really necessary? We can't really afford that right now."
dog needs pills	"Ooh, lookit these cute lil pill pockets... eight bucks a bag but let's try 'em."	"Honey, don't use a whole slice of [generic pseudo-Velveeta] cheese, that's a waste - you only need a half slice."
Hungry	"I can't believe we've lived here over a year and never been to Topolobampo!"	"Guess what Lovey! I found a 2-for-1 coupon for Burger King in the Sunday paper! We can go out to eat!"
adorable tschotschke	"I don't really need it but it's so perfect I have to have it!"	"Pfft, that would take 4 weeks of my $10 entertainment budget, no way is that worth it!"
vacations	"I miss Japan. Do you want to go to Japan this summer, honey?"	"We can't afford to go to my sister's for Thanksgiving." "That's ok, we'll just stay home and have a lot of hot baths. It'll be relaxing."
shopping	Whole Foods	Costco
snackies	"Look, I found this new fair trade organic chocolate, flavored with lavender tips and the heart of the seed of the passion flower!"	Giant bag of Hershey's minis from Costco.
get your 5 daily servings of fruits and vegetables!	Frozen vegetables - steam in the bag, with sauce, and/or organic - 24 to 40 cents an ounce	Frozen vegetables - grown in a toxic waste dump by oppressed migrant laborers* - only 9 cents an ounce! ("Do we have a coupon for any of them?")
dry skin	Nature's Gate organic herbal skin therapy (hey, it was the cheapest of the organic ones!)	Vaseline intensive care "moisture locking" lotion. It even smells like motor oil, but it's only 5 cents an ounce when you buy the economy bottle.

*tip of the nib - er, keyboard? - to Alison Bechdel for this phrase

OK, so it's not as funny or dramatic as it was in my head. It's an adjustment, is all.... and for those of you who have always lived this way, please forgive me. I don't mean to rub anyone's face in anything. Just sharing my perspective.

comprehensive update...

Loopy and i had a fabulous, spectacular, delicious, delightful vacation in Mexico... i am going thru the photos and when I have some on Flickr i'll blog about it too...

but for now, back to real life: while procrastinating on aspects of the job search, i wrote two long, rambling emails to a new friend... may be info you already know, since the only people still checking out this blog are old friends :) and thank you for that :) :) ... hell, it may be too long for anyone to slog through... no obligation... god knows i've fallen far, far behind on reading anyone else's blogs! i'll try to post something light, cute and witty soon...

but anyway since it was a fairly comprehensive (as the title says) update on my life recently, I thought it would be good to reprint them here...

#1: Indecision ...
i don't know about my interview [yesterday]... staying up most of the night before it was not good... also not good that i had not been taking my ADD meds... i was scattered, talked too fast, didn't connect with the interviewers, got sidetracked without finishing answering their questions... and i felt that i came across way too harvard, and not enough southside-Chicago. i didn't fit.

still haven't finished the [21-page online] application... screwing around, procrastinating... one thing that's interfering is mixed feelings about the whole thing... i don't want to have another hellish year like last year, and it's hard to go all-out to get a job when i'm afraid that it's just going to be more of the same. it's hard, too, that in the whole process, i have to present myself as a successful teacher when i feel that i failed a lot... not sure what to do...

i know i still want to teach, it's all i want to do... it's exciting, it's interesting, it engages my whole being in the most fascinating problem-solving exercises imaginable... and it can be very rewarding... you mentioned yesterday how you enjoy reading professional journals etc. - that's how i feel about teaching - i never felt that way about web development! i always want to learn more, get better... i'm tired after this year, but still, in spite of everything, when i get discouraged, i just recall the faces of my students, the few moments of success that made them light up.... and past students... finding their own strengths and discovering that they are smarter than they thought.....

so i know i will teach, but there are a lot of options about how to do that, and i'm not sure which direction to pursue.... *sigh* work always has its challenges but it should not have to be such hell.

* * * * *

email #2 - a lot of stuff you probably already know lol

i used to be a much more driven person, but have in recent years been seeking more balance... tried to stop punishing myself with work... i have a younger friend who's still driven, never sleeps, always taking classes and getting higher and higher levels of certification... i can't think that that is what human life is supposed to be... having a goal (like the cum laude diploma :) ) is a good thing, but how much is good/appropriate to sacrifice for the goal, and when does it start to just shorten your life and make it more miserable? i guess we all weigh those things..

yes, i was a corporate exec in web development....almost by accident... i was just in the right place at the right time... i was a print graphic designer when the internet appeared in the business world, so we were just naturally expected to do the web design too, so i taught myself, and then for a brief time, 1-2 years' web experience was all ANYONE had, and i shot up the career ladder far above my actual capacity lol. i was basically a project manager - it was a good niche for me because i was science-geeky enuf (i did learn basic and pascal a million years ago - like, 1984, 1985! - and i understand databases, and i can often figure out web app coding and tinker with it if someone else has written it...) so yes i was geeky enuf to talk to the programmers and understand the possibilities and limitations they would explain to me (that was my favorite part! helping to plan the functionality and architecture without actually having to do the coding! lol), ........AND i was also business-savvy enough to understand what the bosses wanted and even anticipate their needs, so i could translate between geek and boss and help bring their ideas together to create something better than either one of them had imagined ... then my own strongest skills were in design, just for icing on the cake.

Only problem: my ADD was not yet medicated so i was a terrible manager. Couldn't manage time, people, the pieces of a project - couldn't keep it all in my head, couldn't prioritize, couldn't organize. (Looking back, I should have been some kind of communications liaison rather than a manager). Once i got medicated (several years after i got out of that business) I was very angry and bitter for a couple months, about all the ways I had failed, that wouldn't have happened if I had just had those little pills earlier! (I went through that again at the end of this year, because in like March or April I finally got into the medical system here and the doctor increased my ADD meds and my antidepressants, and I got so much more productive and positive and energetic... again, wish I'd had that at the beginning of the year, instead of spending months where i just barely got out of bed...)

After a while I stopped being bitter, because my own failures and struggles *do* give me a *huge* amount of insight and empathy when I work with struggling students... I know they are not just failing on purpose to annoy me, even though they try to act like they are (because who wouldn't rather be "bad" than "stupid"?)... They would succeed if they could. So it helps me commit to finding out how to help them, find out their obstacle, help them learn to overcome it... then they just go, full speed ahead, shining...

So, while I don't believe in fate, if I did, I might think it was meant to happen that way.... a statement more in line with my worldview would be, "Every step you take is on the path." This has just been my path. This is how it happened for me. This is life. Life is hard, for everyone. This is what I have to work with.

So I do try to accept it all, and I think I do mostly, but, as I try to get going in the teaching field, I am also fighting the psychological effects of many years of pre-medication failure... I am fighting hard not to conclude that I can't do anything. I feel cynicism and giving-up creeping up on me and I have to fight it off continuously. The only reason I can keep fighting it is that I think, if I lose hope, what point is there to life? (Although Buddhism counsels us to release both hope and fear, because they are the same........ I need to think about that some more and how it applies). And I struggle to figure out whether and how to accept and work within my limitations, and whether and how to keep fighting those limitations and trying to overcome them...

* * * * * * *

and i say again... i'll try to post something light and witty soon...

wow. depressing.

it's over. i made it. i survived. i'm still standing at the end. that counts for something, i'm fairly certain.

i had a little "you could do so much better, i believe in you, do your best and you can achieve great things" talk with each of my students, gave them their report cards, and released them - bubbling and effervescing - into the summer air. in my memory they sort of disappear into the sunlight as they walk out the door...

i wish i had remembered to say, "i wish you all the best, and i'll never forget you" to more of them. but i know it doesn't matter. regardless of what i might have wanted to say to these kids, i've already communicated what they will most remember from me, in a million ways... from just showing up every day, to all the times i told them how smart they are, to the not-a-lot-but-still-too-many times i screamed "what is wrong with you!!??"

we suffered through a looooong year together. we made each other feel angry, powerless, frustrated, miserable, hopeless and sad. on a very few occasions we felt other things... a sense of accomplishment, achievement, hope. very few. i should have provided more of those for them. i should have done a lot of things. let it go.

but it's hard to let it go... i spent much of the last week telling myself, "let it go, it's over" about one thing and another. "it's over." it's over and i have definitely not triumphed, though i am still standing.

today cleaning my room i swept stacks and files and piles of their work into big garbage bags... their hopeful, determined, eager, reluctant, agonized work... my sweet children... just children... i wish so many things about the past and future for them. it was my work, too, going into the garbage bags. i love them. i mourn them. i wish, i wish, i wish.

i came home and went to sleep. i don't want to wake up. wake up into another hard time, a differently hard time, a familiar unpleasantness. the summer stretches ahead. i have to find a job, unpack my office (never unpacked since we moved in last year...), do my share around the house, and not get too depressed. Loopy is depressed and the house is like a cave, a den, a refuge, a pit. it's seductive and miserable to just stay here in the dark all day, shades pulled, eating unhealthy food and sleeping a lot. i want to do that. i fear and loathe the idea.

i'm glad i have therapy tomorrow.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Post Script:

90 minutes and a good cry later, there is hope for the patient. Therapy and meditation must finally be sinking in (even though I haven't meditated in months)... while crying on Loopy's lap i remembered that how i feel now is just how i feel, and it doesn't mean that the whole summer really will be miserable or that i really did fail to do anything useful this year. i remembered to just feel how i feel and try to refrain from all the fantasies about the past and future and how awful it all is.

strangely this seemed to work. the feelings passed like a quick storm and i feel raw, unstable, but less depressed... as i passed through the kitchen i was moved to make myself a quick meal, a simple self-care gesture that i haven't made in days. somehow i even brewed myself a cup of tea.

As i said, there is hope for the patient.

big changes...

Just finished putting away all the kitchen stuff we brought home from the apt., as well as the last of the groceries (the larder was pretty much bare, my friends!)--I also bleached all the countertops b/c there was mouse poop scattered about. (Hands need lotion...) Did some organizing too. But organizing is weird now because...

... we decided to strongly & seriously consider moving to Chicago this spring.

The lease on the Chicago apt. is up in May, and Loopy has a lot more work to do, and not much stamina at the moment for a lot of driving back & forth, never mind the pain involved in climbing two flights of stairs to the Chicago apartment--and don't forget the two flights of stairs here at home. The total handicap-inaccessibility of our house is a very strong "push" factor.

Besides, it doesn't look like I'm ever gonna get a job around here... there's just too much of a glut of experienced teachers on the market, plus (perhaps?) not much appetite for non-traditional teachers? Who knows about the latter, can't assume too much. Whereas in Chicago I could prob'ly have a job tomorrow, if I weren't too picky.

So that's just on the agenda to be explored... wanted to tell y'all about it...

The other thing the title is referring to is something Loopy said today... she was looking at old photos and it really struck her how limited her mobility still is, how she may never get it all back and how she "may never be just standing there again," without help. This struck me some months ago at the gym... that she may never again just come bustling around the corner suddenly. Of course, she may make a complete recovery, but she doesn't feel very optimistic at the moment.

I looked at some old photos to illustrate this and the ones from Montreal struck me the most. Jesus, that just feels like a short time ago--it is just a short time ago--just two months before the surgery.

Damn it damn it damn it, I get so angry thinking about how everything would have been different if they had just found the fucking tumor two months earlier!!!

I know, I know--we did our best, the doctors did their best, nobody's to blame, we can never know what all the alternatives might have been. As we discussed the other day, if they'd done the surgery two months earlier who knows--maybe we wouldn't have had the same surgeon or the same anaesthesiologist or something and maybe something bad woulda happened. Buddhism encourages us to realize that we don't know, for certain, if anything is "good" or "bad." To keep an open mind and not be too certain of anything.

But...



Damn, damn, damn.

home at last

finally moved home today... we left on October 27, seventy-eight days ago; we lived in the hospital for three weeks and the apartment for eight weeks. we thank our lucky stars for all the people whose kindness, generosity, reliability, etc. made all this possible.

things i will miss about the apartment:

• covered, heated parking garage (s'posed to be zero all week this week)(degrees, outside—for all you non-locals)
  
• no piles of clutter (to remind me of years of mental dysfunction and a lot of work to do to go through it all—my therapist suggested a dumpster)
  
• not having to worry about all the home-owner-y chores (gotta mulch that iris—and is there something wrong with the water softener?)
  
• being so close to stores and friends (so easy to pop out for a midnight snack or an impulsive get-together!)

things i'm glad to be reunited with, here at home:

• dogs!!!! they're so happy to have us home (and so interested in everything we've brought with us... "what's that mom, huh, huh, can I have it? can I? what about that? what's in here? oooh, this smells good...")
  
• front-loading washer that won't shred our clothing (can finally wash all our sweaters! they need it!—sorry, tmi!)
  
• space...between us and the neighbors... (no more muffling our faces in pillows during mango chutney ;-) )
  
• printers! (now i can finally finish Miri's xmas present—and next time we go on a trip, the confirmations #s and maps etc. won't be scrawled on the back of an envelope)
  
• our satellite DVR, which has faithfully recorded all the episodes of "Six Feet Under" that have been showing on Bravo for the last three months (plus some random "Benny Hill" episodes--not sure how that happened!)
  
• just... being... HOME. you know what i mean. *big peaceful sigh*

Hope you're having a good weekend!

my life is weird

Little-known fact: if you buy $5 worth of groceries at Sentry's on a Sunday, they give you a free Sunday paper.

Now, granted, the Wisconsin State Journal is mostly useless to us, since we don't have a birdcage to line, but we do sometimes need to get the grill or fireplace going, so it does come in handy to pick up one or two copies a year.

Oh, and, as it turns out, there are classified ads in the back. Last Sunday Rebekah suddenly tossed me one of those finely-printed pages and annouced, "hey, I found you a job."

An apparently well-respected and well-funded organization called "Operation Fresh Start" is hiring teachers to help its 16- to 24-year-old participants get their GED's and/or any other educational support they might need, from basic literacy to community college prep.

At a glance it seems like an almost-perfect job for me. I like working with students with significant challenges and helping them see, believe in, and realize their own potential.

Plus, there's a whole procedure and system and team designed specifically to meet these students' needs; it wouldn't be like swimming upstream in public school trying to get anyone to give a shit about the students who struggle most.

Plus, it's four days a week, ten hours a day. (You put in ten hours at public school anyway; might as well get paid for it!)

On the other hand, the students are older than my preference, and GED prep could be pretty dull/frustrating for students and teacher alike...but as Loopy says, don't talk myself out of a job I haven't gotten yet.

So anyway, I'm filling in the application and I start feeling really weird about my life. It asks what honors I've received so I start writing, "Phi Beta Kappa, summa cum laude, Hoopes Prize for Outstanding Senior Thesis"--and it's just so weird. I worked really hard for those things and for what.... ?

It's like another lifetime, another planet. I look around my room and see a Japanese teacup, a random Moroccan flag, a socialist bumper sticker. My life feels weird and disjointed.

I spent the first, uh, 22 years cramming so much in, like if everything I did was extreme and superlative I would win some kind of prize. And what? And nothing. It didn't make any difference.

Sure, I could try to be someplace where it would make more of a difference--grad school, the Council on Foreign Affairs. But I have no desire to go anywhere near those places or communicate with the people who think all those things are important. So why do I even care? Why did I?

I just feel so different from my younger self, it feels like I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere along the way, and yet, I don't want any of the things I turned away from.

OK, so, I'm not even able to express why I'm having this existential angst, so, back to the application.

On a more practical note, will they think I"m a huge snob for putting down Phi Beta Kappa? Jeez. I hate these things. Who knows what anybody will think about anything? Will they think it's a grammatical error if I capitalize my bullet points, or if I don't? Argh.

march weather

doncha just hate those days when it's sorta warm and very windy....

....so you either bundle up and get all sweaty and stinky (hello hat-head!)...

... or you un-bundle and the stinging wind makes your eyes stream and your ears ache?

of course, if you work it out just right, as I did today, you can accomplish the best of both worlds: I'm here in the library with icky hair, sweaty underarms, red eyes and achy ears. Next time I'll pick one option and stick with it.

But y'know, what I really hate is the first warm days (like last friday or whenever it was 60), when the accumulated snow & ice melt, and all the winter's frozen dog poop melts along with it, and the edges of the yard are like a giant poop swamp, and the dogs just stiiiiiiiiink.

you're never coming to the house again, are you?