happy spring...

happy again... my new meds (well, new a year ago now) have really turned me into a different person... mostly i'm happy, most days - almost all days - i'm glad to be alive. Pema Chödrön says,

“I’m glad to be alive to agreeable, I’m glad to be alive to disagreeable. And I’m glad to be alive to sour and sweet and tingly and itchy, and refreshing and cold and hot and the whole thing. And it doesn’t matter that there is this voice that says I don’t like this, or I do like this, that’s fine, you know, that’s also fine, but somehow open and at home, with your body, your mind, and your world, and meditation is actually the means or, the tools that we need… It actually is that the present moment is the doorway to liberation, vastness, unobstructed quality of our mind. And we could experience the world that way.”

and just because of the meds i do begin to feel glad to be alive to different experiences, interested in what's around the corner... i know my world is still small and cramped compared to the "liberation, vastness, unobstructed quality of our mind" that i experience when i do meditate regularly (haven't been, due to the falling-asleep issue)............but i open my arms to the wind and the sunlight and i tip my head back to blue sky or rainy.... and laugh or smile and just feel glad. i love the trees blooming right now - i've taken photos - wait let me upload them...




and i love the blossoms falling so sweet and fluttery, flowing and eddying like powdery snow in the wake of cars... i love the tulips so red and the tulips falling apart... this morning i walked out in the park and i loved the birdsong and the sound of wind in the trees, the sweet smell and feel of dewy grass... spring is in full swing and summer's coming... i have so much to cover in my classes and so much joy to be able to have so much to teach.

looking ahead to the summer, i'm gonna quote (with some editing) from an email i sent to Nadine... i'm laughing as i note somewhat more anxiety and somewhat less 'glad to be alive' than what i'm expressing now... that's ok... glad to be alive to anxious and glad to be alive to peace.

"have a trip planned to Montana and Wyoming (wild beautiful country like in Brokeback Mountain) to see a bunch of cousins - but it's me and mom in the car for 10 days - what was i thinking? ? panic setting in. wondering how to fix that - but her whole trip depends on me chauffeuring. well, i'm gonna ask her how i can shorten it - there may be some days at the beginning and end where the cousins can drive her places.

i mean... i know the scenery is beautiful but... TEN DAYS???? damn...

on top of that i just accepted a job from the boss's boss's boss, writing curriculum in the summer... which wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't already accepted another job writing curriculum for my own boss (the principal) and a third (well that was foisted upon me) working with an outside program to design and provide select services to specific students.

I don't know what all these jobs entail and how much of my time they'll take up, but I'm starting to worry that I won't get any summer break, and come fall I'll feel like I was at school all during my break. I'm told curriculum writing involves taking all the materials away and coming back later, not being at school all the time, but i'm suspicious. anyway i took the jobs for the sake of the serious banking of brownie points... so i think i should just focus on that and consider this summer an investment... frontload the brownie points... hopefully the investment will pay off in the long term and not just be a stupid move in a game i was bound to lose.

so i have this wyoming-montana trip lined up at the end of june/beginning of july, and a week-long queer buddhist retreat in august (same one i went to last year) and id like to get something else in, a trip to new york maybe - i'd like to see the cousins in Boston and Colin and Joel in NYC... and just be in NYC for a day or two... i miss it and i love being there when i get the chance... i've also thought about going overseas somewhere but i don't think i really have time for that... and i'd like to go somewhere with R (she is not interested in the NY-Boston trip). She can't really get any time off work for various reasons... so a quick trip to England to see our friends there is out. A quick trip to Minneapolis is more appealing to her... but that's frustrating cuz it's in driving distance but we'd have to fly because R doesn't have any time. So all this adds up in terms of time and money. I'd have to choose between my east-coast trip and our couple trip to MN, and R doesn't seem to care but I don't know if she does or not, or if I do or not ("I can spend time with you at home," she says). So anyway. Lots to think about. Lots of balancing acts... between what i want to do if i could do anything, and what's in the realm of the possible, and commitments i've made that i am reconsidering too late...

(end of email to Nadine)

so that's my news, my life, my state of mind. long post... my 800th, incidentally. yay me, yay blog. blog is 6 years old, born on May 18, 2004. Weird. May 3 is another anniversary, a good one - first contact with a friend. Recently met a new potential friend - translator of classical poetry in Persian, Latin, Chinese, etc etc... speaks every language, it seems... he knows more than i do about a lot of things, which makes it fun to learn from him but also makes me feel stupid, so i can't take too many hours of conversation with him... he also talks a lot... so you know, like any friend, good and bad mixed together. trying to make more friends here in Chicago... settle in and make it home. still doesn't feel like home and when i think about it i'd still rather be in NYC, but Chicago is so much cheaper and really has many charms, so i need to reconcile myself to being here.

babbling now.

love to all.

spring break trip to Milwaukee :)

Went Milwaukee with Miriam for a day... Just a quick dash through some of the photos...
First, we went to an amazing photography exhibit at the Milwaukee Art Museum... for those of you unfamiliar the museum was designed by the amazing architect Santiago Calatrava (here's a photo of the whole museum... and get this... the "wings" close at night!!!!!)

The exhibit we saw was called Street Seen: The Psychological Gesture in American Photography, 1940–1959 (that link is very much worth a click)... some mid-century photographers just beginning to break the boundaries of what had until then been primarily a medium for portraits and journalism. The grainy battlefield pix from WWII inspired them to capture the movement and moments of urban life... it was really quite amazing exhibit, I wish I could transport each of you there (especially Goblinbox, I think you'd really get into it!)

Here are some pix of Miri and I playing around with the architecture and objets d'art...










Of course, even the parking garage is spectacular...




Miriam had booked massages for us for later in the day which was a brilliant idea... mine was a birthday present, thank you dearie!!! so much!!!!

While waiting for the massage time we shopped around some vintage stores in the Bayview neighborhood, Milwaukee's answer to what Williamsburg used to be like when we lived in NYC. I bought a bunch of LP's (yes, actual vinyl) for Loopy for her birthday - vinyl is apparently making a comeback among music aficionados (aficionadi?) and she's getting a turntable from Mom for her birthday (I can say all this cuz she never reads my blog, haha!)(not that it would be a very big surprise... I have to ask her what kind of turntable to get :P ) So I picked some classic records either because I know she loves them or, for most of them, because they had great cover art or an enclosed booklet that's still there, or whatever. that was a blast...

Dinner was delicious, rare tuna in a yummy salad and "Asian slaw," peanutty noodley cabbagey goodness. All this at a very down-home feeling place called Lulu Cafe.

The-e-e-e-e-n, as if it could get any better, Miriam had booked an amazing art deco hotel via Priceline... deliciously cushy beds and a DEEP WATER TUB which alone would almost have made the trip worthwhile.........

AND of course I had to indulge in my passion for ROOM SERVICE...



Room service chocolate cake = $13
Room service delight = priceless :)




The next morning after the above room-service breakfast (fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice in its own little carafe!) Miriam brought out the art supplies and I made a collage while she looked through the exhibition book she'd bought at the museum. Miriam commented that she's like my drug dealer, except for with art.




The finished piece is called "The Gaze, aka doing this project made me want to visit Cuba." (the frame for all the faces is an old Cuban building with arcades around a courtyard...)

Checked out an hour late because of the collage, happy happy happy as a clam. Drove home with my "Drive to Milwaukee Mix" on my iPod. All's right with the world.

Have some work to finish up today and Sunday, hope to enjoy Saturday THOROUGHLY with my lovey. This spring break has been delightful and restorative. The weather has gotten extremely mild and delicious... after I take the dog for a walk I'm gonna open all the windows. Welcome spring!

(added a new tag... I had tags for depression, fear, and death... now I have a tag for "happy" :) :) :) )

anti-depressants and other drugs

chocolate cake the size of your head: definitely an anti-depressant.

saw the shrink today and she said I'm taking too much of one of my meds.

that's why i'm doing things like falling asleep in class - one time, i actually fell asleep while standing up and writing on the board. also fell asleep several times during a field trip today, while we were listening to the proceedings of the seventh circuit court; one time I almost fell out of my seat (my students looked at me disapprovingly - I had admonished them to be quiet and not embarrass the school, and here it was the teacher who was embarrassing everyone!).

then there's the sleep-driving, but we don't like to talk about that too much because it (understandably) upsets Loopy.

another anti-depressant? wikipedia. (for me anyway!) in response to a friend's comment on my flickr pix, I've been wiki-ing about Persian Gardens and trying to figure out what influence/connection there is between them and the Alhambra's Generalife gardens. I mean, they're both Islamic-architecture-related, but they're a continent away from each other, so I'm wondering, how exactly does the connection work in space and time? I'll let you know if I figure it out. :-)

My pic of the Naranj-e-stan ("Orangery") Gardens in Shiraz (ever wonder why oranges are "naranja" in Spanish? yeah).		A pic from the Alhambra's website

And now... a nap.

whew... London

I am falling behind - there are still two days to blog about from Germany that I didn't finish - but I'm jumping ahead anyway.

Honestly, I was getting really depressed being in Germany, for reasons I don't feel like dwelling upon here... but it's so great to be in London. We love our London friends. They have "good enjoyers" (one of the first things we did was go to a pond and feed ducks) and they are happy - they have a good marriage and satisfying jobs. And they're fun, funny, intellectually curious, thoughtful, smart, and did I mention fun? It's just such a pleasure to be with them. And their new house is soooooo adorable!

R & C 's cute new house! Complete with art by R and decor by both :-)



Our afternoon adventures... visiting an old manor house (no pix inside, sorry!), feeding ducks on Hampstead Heath, and dinner at one of the oldest pubs in London (fish n chips, natch).



Can't write more now, I'm too tired. But... just happy.

european ballet + chinese acrobatics = wow + huh

Tonight our gracious hosts took us to see a really amazing performance: it was Swan Lake, done by Chinese acrobats who had also mastered ballet. (I'm just assuming that they were acrobats first, but I could be wrong. Their mastery of both forms was impeccable to my (admittedly untrained) eye).

If you've ever felt that classical ballet was lacking something, perhaps you were longing for frogs dancing on their hands...



or amazing poses assisted by stage equipment previously unknown to ballet, or a ballerina bent into really extreme shapes...



Or maybe what you have been missing, o less-than-fan of classical ballet, is a ballerina dancing on her partner's shoulder...



or head:



Overall, the spectacle was dazzling and impressive, and included several tricks I hadn't seen before in other Chinese acrobatic shows. My favorite new trick involved people rolling around in giant metal circles:



However, there was still something oddly lacking. Maybe it was a coherent story. I'm not too clear on the original story, but there wasn't much story here. Just the barest hint of some continuity from one scene to the next, just enough to provide an excuse for spectacular stage sets, amazing costumes, and tremendous feats of acrobatic skill.

Did I forget to mention the scene where all the supporting swan-ballerinas were on roller skates? That was probably my least favorite innovation. You'd think it would be cool to see them all gliding, but they didn't really glide - turns out, even on roller skates you need to move to propel yourself - and the movement was a lot less fluid than the floaty thing that real ballerinas do when they glide across the stage en masse....

Anyway, a good time was had by all, and if you have a chance to see it, I definitely recommend it. "And now for something completely different," guaranteed!

Here is a review by someone who knows more than I do about ballet.

One more day in Munich... thinking of taking Loopy to a Kandinsky show... she likes Kandinsky.

wacky castle

So, now I'm behind with the travelogue.

Day before yesterday was the castle - Neuschwanstein. It was shrouded in fog and very picturesque.


It's forbidden to take pix inside, so I'll borrow a few of theirs. Click on the photos to go through to the castle website and learn more.



The castle was built by a King who didn't much care for matters of state and preferred to go into massive debt in order to build pretty things. It was begun in 1868, just after the Civil War, when there was definitely no real use for castles. So it's just a giant vanity project.

The amazing thing to me was the total mishmash of artistic and architectural styles, themes, and motifs. There was no unifying philosophy or anything that linked the different rooms together, or even linked the different elements of a single room together.

For example, gothic architectural details in this hall and bedroom:


...combined unnervingly with realistic painting, as you can see in the top picture (above).

Then there was the throne room, in a heavily Byzantine or maybe early Romanesque style, including columns of solid porphyry, an elaborate floor mosaic, and gold background everywhere - though the images were again painted in an incongruously realist mode.



And then, just in case you weren't totally sure that you were in the full flower of the Romantic 19th century, there were the random little odes to "nature" and naturalism, such as this "grotto":



It was so realistic that I asked Loopy, "are you sure it's not a real cave?" She scoffed at me: "Lovey, we're on the third floor." Well, you know, maybe it was, like, built into the mountainside or something. OK, OK, shut up. So... yeah. Pretty wacky.

Loopy said all this aping of earlier styles, especially without total coherence, was a quintessential expression of the birth of modernity. That makes sense to me.

In terms of how our day went, it was quite a schlepp to get there: we took the subway, the train for two hours, a taxi, and finally a horse-drawn carriage up the last part of the mountain. And we still had to walk about 200 yards up very, VERY steep road. Loopy was so brave.

knitting on the train	knitting in the horse carriage

After the castle we had a delicious lunch very close by - roast pork with a giant dumpling (knoedel) and sauerkraut for Loopy, and potato dumplings with cheese, onions and sauerkraut for me (sort of like a Bavarian mac & cheese!) It was deeeeelish.


It was kind of funny that we traveled four hours each way for a 35-minute tour, but we had a great time anyway. The journey is part of the point, right? We love our adventures.

Cuz you can never have too much Christmas Market

So let's see, the next day, which was yesterday, we putzed around the house, put up Christmas decorations, and then in the evening, we went to two Christmas markets and rode the Christmas streetcar! Woo-hoo! You know these guys (Germans) basically invented Christmas as we know it, so it's totally reasonable that it's just perfect here.

Loopy commented, of the Christmas Streetcar - "This is something they'd never do in the U.S. Let's see, decorate a streetcar for Christmas, serve alcohol inside, and charge the same amount as usual to ride it. Play some music." I suggested that this was because Americans didn't know how to drink reasonably. Loopy stated that it was because Americans don't know how to have fun.



Click through on the pix without us in them, and you can see more Christmas market photos etc etc. Yay!

whee!

so yesterday afternoon, after a snack, Petra and I decided to go for a walk. she said there was a nature preserve nearby and that there was supposed to be a small church-sponsored fest there, with free mulled wine.

we went to the nature preserve, but after some squelching around in the mud, which made us laugh a lot, we could find no church-fest or mulled wine. so then she suggested that maybe it had been moved inside. so, we went to the church, and sure enough, there were people milling around, and food. there seemed ot be some kind of Indonesian festival, with many Indonesian church members, and a caroling program about to start. We snuck in, ate a lot of Bavarian and Indonesian desserts, and ran away before the caroling program. We thought this was hilarious. (There was, however, no mulled wine).

We did however feel a little bad about leaving the others home alone without pastries of any kind, so we quickly turned our steps back to the house. But we found the house dark and everyone fast asleep. I tried to rouse wifey, to no avail... so Petra and I thought we'd go find some mulled wine. Somehow we ended up in the Christmas market. (About 20 minutes on the train, so the sort of 'oh how did that happen?' that we affected was, in fact, pure affectation).

THe Munich Christmas Market is one of my favorite places in the entire universe. I was so happy to be back there. There is some competition for both time and technology here, so I will cut this post short, but Petra and I got drunk on mulled wine, ate candied almonds and lebkuchen, and loved the heck out of the lights and presents. It was bliss.

To see some pix (since I didn't have camera last night and have to cut this short now), check out the official website for the Christmas market.

arrival in Munich

Arrived safely in Germany at the home of our dear friend Petra, her husband Michael, and their four cats (and an extremely elaborate fishtank that, we are told, is being carefully prepped and calibrated to house seahorses in the near future!). They've moved to a new house since we were here last (which was in 2001) so we got the grand tour, and then, as everyone had taken their shoes off but me, I showed myself around the garden.

It's not a large space, but because it's broken up by a summer room, two garages, and a greenhouse, there are all kinds of nooks and crannies. What a delight. I was unexpectedly flooded with memories. I spent quite a few summers in this region as a child, and coming from Arizona, those times were revelatory to me. It was not far from here that I first discovered strawberries hidden in the grass, nor was it far away that I first tasted raspberries I had just picked myself.

It's warmish and a light drizzle was falling, making the lichen stand out against tree trunks and the ubiquitous moss seem unbelievably lush and verdant. I could easily imagine the summer glory of the garden - the faded roses still cling to the brown canes, the large stand of raspberry brambles still has the remnants of last summer's fruit, and grape vines overrun the summer room (don't know what else to call it). Perhaps some of the pleasure simply comes from seeing green, after being thoroughly ensconced in Chicago's blizzardy weather for a while.

Travel is a pleasure. THe world is a pleasure. I am lucky indeed.

off

So we're heading off to Germany for the holidays, both to see our dearly beloved German friends and to avoid the ghosts of Christmas past.

Avoiding the past may or may not be the best way to deal with having your dad die during a particular year. I will certainly keep you posted on that - or more likely I won't since, as I mentioned, the goal is to avoid thinking about it. I have been straying from the path of meditation... it doesn't help that, in my mind, I've turned it into something to "stray from," and feel guilty about. We are warned about this when we start trying to practice meditation. "Pshaw!" I said gaily. "I find it uplifting and healing, not something rigid that I use to berate myself." Yeah.

Anyway, it's time to go to the airport, and I'm not done packing, which is why I'm blogging. Avoidance being the theme here, in case my amazingly subtle writing is not conveying that well enough.

I just wanted to point out that I have become addicted to Twitter, thanks to my beloved online buddy Goblinbox. To keep up with me on a moment-by-moment basis (because what could be better than that? a look inside birdfarm's brain! wow!), there are several options. You can

1. visit this page and read the Twitter updates at right, or
2. click the link at right to visit my Twitter home page, or
3. click this link to achieve the same effect.

Have a great holiday if I don't post again before then. But I probably will. I'll be on vacation after all. With Mom. :)

smells like Persepolis

I'm back! Yay! Oh my god, I had the most amazing time! I can't wait to tell you all about it and upload the photos and omigod omigod omigod!!!!

But right now I'm going back to bed (jet lag and lust, ha ha) to show Loopy photos (and other things). :-)

But first I just wanted to say, when I went to do my laundry, I found that it smelled like Iran. I made Loopy smell it and she said, "yup, smells like a foreign country." It smells like rose gardens and delicious cookies and dry air and ancient things. Mmmmmmm. I'm half tempted to keep some of it in a bag, just to smell it from time to time....

One other tidbit: we decided to go out for breakfast (which was really lunch) (jet lag and lust, ha ha) and I hadn't washed my hair (tho I showered last night). So Loopy said, "get your kerchief and let's go!" because I usually wear a kerchief when I go out with unclean hair. Without stopping to think, my reaction was, "I'm not wearing anything on my head and you can't make me. In fact, I'm not sure I'll ever wear anything on my head ever again."

It's so great to feel wind in your hair when you haven't been able to. Mmmmmm.

what is the weather like?

i set up an RSS feed for the weather reports from four cities I'll be spending the most time in in Iran... the weather reports come in regularly and i scan them obsessively, trying to make sense of the information....

i realize that i'm trying to predict the future, trying to be Fully Prepared, trying to defend myself against the unknown. i don't know how to dress in that climate and under those dress code laws. i'm afraid i'll be hot and sweaty and stink; i'm afraid i'll be cold and miserable and get sick. i'm afraid, i'm afraid, i'm afraid. it's a theme of my life.

it could be a trip to Iran or to Madison, to the post office here in our small town--anything can kick off that anxiety--what if i don't bring the right things, what if i forget something, what if my back hurts, what if i'm hungry and there's nothing to eat.

huh. i guess it's kind of obvious why this makes me late. on some level i'm afraid to leave home because what if i have a need and it's not filled?

i know what my (baby beginner) buddhist training says to this, but for once, i feel that it's perhaps kinder to me to tell those voices to be quiet and just have some compassion for this profound anxiety that makes all my bones hurt.

when i write that i start to cry.

Eşfahān, IRN - Weather via MSN Weather Current Conditions (as of 4:20 PM) Mostly Cloudy. Temp: 73F (Feels like 73). Humidity: 25% Winds: 7 mph SW. All times shown are local to Eşfahān, IRN. Today: Cloudy. Lo: 50F. Hi: 76F. Chance of precipitation: 40% Tomorrow: Mostly Cloudy. Lo: 46F. Hi: 73F. Chance of precipitation: 30% Tuesday: Cloudy. Lo: 44F. Hi: 68F. Chance of precipitation: 75% Wednesday: Clear. Lo: 45F. Hi: 74F. Chance of precipitation: 45% Thursday: Fair. Lo: 46F. Hi: 74F. Chance of precipitation: 20% More information at MSN Weather (Powered by Foreca)