amy ray

oh god we love amy ray.

went to her concert last night. it was soooooooooooooo amazing. amy ray herself seemed amazed and kept commenting, in apparent awe, that the audience was fantastic.

i wonder if she plays for a lot of people who basically just show up to see half the Indigo Girls, and don't really know or care about her solo career - maybe they don't even like the harder-edged, punk-inspired stuff she plays on her own.

well that doesn't describe last night's audience... a relatively small bunch at a relatively small but very cool venue... most, hard core fans, who screamed all the words to all the songs at the top of our lungs.

our beloved Amy loved it, and complimented the singing along repeatedly. and she responded so generously... she rocked out throughout the show, but then during the encore, she really let loose and just blew the roof off. she played an extended version of one of her songs, with solos by every band member, her own solo just so unbelievably stunningly intense and energy-filled and so fuckin sexy. it was mouth-watering and mind-blowing. i don't really know how to even describe it.

i danced, i sang, i waved my arms around, i did my own rocking out... with Loopy of course... we just had such a great time. i almost didn't go... but i'm so glad i did... i was so struck by the fact that we were in the presence of real musical genius, complete greatness - it was just incredible that all this music was coming out of this one woman.

her physical presence is amazing too. she dresses in loose, slightly masculine clothing (loose-ish belted pants, button-down shirt, tie) that i must admit is not in itself attractive... and she is sometimes almost awkward, almost always seems to be containing herself or holding back (which is why the final no-holds-barred-rock-out-solo last night was so amazing!) ..... but despite its subtlety, the way she moves is incredible... a study in contrasts... powerful pounding strength at times... sensual shivers and luscious little butch shimmies at other times... keeping in mind that family members read this, i still have to say that watching her, oh, you so want to get pounded by that amazing energy! and lavished with that luscious sensuality. her sexuality, gender identity, and physicality are all quite unique...

if you haven't ever checked out her solo stuff, i really do recommend it highly.

it was also a really fun time together... as you can see from the photo, Loopy and i just really enjoyed each other as well as the music. what a complete pleasure.

you buttered your bread, now lie in it

so, unfortunately, i seem to be sliding back into depression; just got my referral from my new doctor for a new shrink (grrrr i hate our healthcare system, new job means all new doctors, start all over, ugh) and i'm gonna get going on that. i feel like i'm sliding down the slippery slope kinda fast...

it's affecting my job... a parent who sat in on my class called me 'passive' today... i know he's right, i've gotten very passive, because i just feel so damn tired all the time... i no longer have the energy to dominate my students the way i need to (think dog trainer, not fetish night, people—jeez). (i'm reminded of my advice to a new teacher on the second or third day of school: "Imagine yourself occupying all the space in the room above the students' heads..." hey, it works for me, and it worked for her... you have to mentally loom over them...).

but i'm letting them fill the space...

lately i tend to sit at the front of the room and kinda whine at them... i feel too tired to get out of my chair... it's really quite ridiculous. a teacher's aide came in and subbed for one of the teachers who uses my room, and she had my class silent and working. she didn't have to yell at them constantly, just threaten them a couple times. contrast with the writing teacher, who has even less control than i do - when she yells at the students, they all laugh. i can see myself going that way - in fact my depression about my job started on tuesday when i watched her do that.

of course, the parent's comment gave me a nice kick further down the slippery slope, and had me bawling my eyes out this evening, thinking about quitting and just giving up altogether...

so, the title of the post refers to something my beloved college roommate, Amy aka Amerina, used to say, and i'm pretty sure it's a quote from her parents. (many of the most hilarious and perfectly-pitched aphorisms i've ever heard are quotes from Amy's parents).

the title of the post also refers to the fact that i have done some things lately that i don't care to discuss here, but things that have boomeranged and are helping to kick my ass down that slope... and my lovely, darling wifey has done nothing but be sweet and kind to me... when she has every right to say something like "you buttered your bread, now lie in it."

thank you, sweet darling wifey. i am nothing without you.

you know you want to vote the shit out of this bitch.

most of you have probably seen this, but if you haven't, do check it out...
hilarious fake Obama flyer. (lots o' profanity so if that offense you skip it :) ).

bbl if i can. :)

what a weekend

• Loopy went to a depressing wake on Saturday. (Thought I should specify depressing; some wakes are rumored to be fun, but this one was infested with socialists).
  
• We went to couples' counseling Saturday. (No, no, we're fine, there's just been a lot of water under the bridge since we last went, lots of stuff to talk about, between the tumor, the move, Loopy's career situation, my job from hell.... anyway, it's never a whole lot of fun).
  
• Saturday night my car got stolen out of our parking spot behind the building. They broke a window to get in, so even if it does get recovered, god knows. Further details:
  
  
  
  • Insurance prolly won't even cover the remaining payments. No money for a new car and unlikely to get a loan for one anyway, we are indebted to the max already.
    
  • Loopy's window was also broken. We hadda get it fixed this morning, which took up most of the day.
    
  • They went through Loopy's gym bag, rejecting her shampoo, suit, flippers, etc. and took her gym bag. That was the only thing missing from her car. wtf!?!?
    
  • The worst thing, aside from the main events: there was a key to her car, inside my car. So now we can't park her car back in the parking space next to mine. So it's in the garage nearby ($20/night, tyvm). Tomorrow we're making plans to leave it in an anonymous downtown location, on the street. "It's a car without a home..." Loopy says mournfully.
    
  • I can't drive Loopy's car because of my fuckin back. So we have to decide asap whether to re-key the locks, or sell it n somehow (somehow! see above under insurance, loan) get something I can drive, or whether i should use a zip car, or what. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and Loopy said, "just tell him you need to be able to drive the car that's paid off, end of story."
  
  
• Remember how we used to be all rich n shit, n throw money around, and travel and eat fancy food, and take everyone to Lombardino's? Yeah. That's over, thank you Wall Street. We are making a budget right this minute, as I'm blogging. It sucks. (I know, I know, this is how everyone else lives, stop complaining ya spoiled princess. It's just an adjustment, ok?)
  
• When we went to get the car from the garage this morning, we stopped off for coffee at our fave locally owned n operated coffee shop (we can't really afford it anymore but we treated ourselves in honor of the misery of the occasion). The person in front of us took the last of Loopy's favorite scones. Poor bunny. Like icing on the cake, except in reverse.

Would this all be funnier if I wrote in a tone of barely suppressed homicidal fury, like our beloved Mush? No, it's not the fury that makes her funny, she's just damn funny. I don't feel funny right now. Bleah.

OK, on the plus side, we bought a pumpkin pie (at $5, cheaper than making it) and cheap organic ice cream and had a lil feast this afternoon. That was nice.

Hmmm, here's a thought. Maybe if I went to bed instead of blogging at 1 in the morning, I wouldn't get so depressed. Ya think? :P

hair

i've never understood my hair.

why is it that i do the same thing to my hair (i.e., nothing) every day, yet some days it looks like i just came from the beauty parlor, while other days it looks like i've been in a wind tunnel or just cut my own hair in the mirror?

just curious.

sex and the...yawn... huh? what? oh right... city... sex and the city... a movie review

so yeah, after all that rambling around in memory lane.... memory hellhole? lol... anyway we were pretty cranky last night so we finally saw the Sex and the City movie... (serious plot spoilers ahead, if you care). we watched that show pretty often for a while, a couple years ago, then got sick of it. the women are always doing such stupid things.

i felt the same way about the movie. it was fun to see the girls again, but then they did such stupid things. like, when chris noth was coming back to get carrie, after his moment of doubt, why didn't they just talk for a few minutes and then go back to the wedding? why did she feel like she had to never speak to him again? how can anyone cut someone out of their life like both Carrie and Miranda did when they were mad at their guys? (women who date/marry other women don't usually do that, for those of you who aren't familiar with our mating habits... we tend to be friends for life with all our exes... there was a joke about "an army of ex-lovers cannot fail" (this is of course a spoof on the 1970's gay liberation slogan, "an army of lovers cannot fail," which in turn was a reference to the ancient Sacred Band of Thebes).

but i digress.

seriously though, how stupid is it to refuse to talk to the person you supposedly love best, when you are upset with them? i mean, who taught these women how to ... how to exist in the world?? where did they get these insane ideas?

(perhaps more to the point, how did i get similar insane ideas? ok, i never suffered from their particular delusion, but i did learn stupid things - like that i should not be honest about things that hurt or upset me, but instead keep quiet and pretend everything's ok, rather than 'rocking the boat'... so in a way i learned the opposite... *sigh* still trying to unlearn that one!)

i guess part of the movie's sort-of-point was that they should learn to be more forgiving, but it was no Philadelphia Story.

honestly i would rather have watched them work through things, struggle and grow together, instead of having childish tantrums, storm off, and six months later reunite in a golden glow.

anyway, it was a bit long - a half hour was already sometimes a bit much with the Carrie voiceover... feature length, ugh.

oh and did i mention the Black servant? yes. i kid you not. they finally introduce a character of color, and it's a Black maid. I mean, personal assistant with computer science degree. whatever. and she's a soul mama and she helps Carrie get in touch with her feelings. 1953, anyone???

i dunno, what do you think?

on the plus side the fashion was quite interesting and elegant... living anyplace but NYC it's hard to imagine that yes, there really are women who wear those clothes, all the time. not to mention those shoes.

it's been quite a weekend but i think i'll put some of that in another post...

more reflections/remembries/braindump

going through and reading the old emails, inserting them into the blog...

one thing i'm noticing is my sort of brave tone... i refer to (but don't talk much about) hard things in the emails. i remember that. it seems like a clean, clear lack of self-indulgence.

as i recall, it was kind of a necessity: i couldn't afford to wallow. each moment's challenge was all that that moment could hold and i had to just stay in the moment, deal with its challenges, and not think too much.

but one memory that's almost funny now, and was really quite almost-funny at the time: in an October 30 email, i wrote, "I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday (Sat) because the surgeon listed all the terrible things that could possibly go wrong and it was just a bit overwhelming..."

I know when that was - I was at the gym, doing my stretching exercises, when I became irrationally convinced that Loopy was going to die during surgery and I only had a few days left with her, and I better get back and be with her. I started to cry rivers, though I kept doing my stretches and finished my workout (keeping to one of the major tenets of that period: maintain adequate self-care).

so at one point during this soggy workout i was walking briskly down a small flight of stairs to refill my water bottle. up the stairs came a large group of prospective members taking a tour of the facilities. the tour guide was describing all the wonderful things they had at the gym, but the incongruous sight of me coming down the stairs with tears streaming down my face made the tour guide lose his train of thought and all the tour people fidget. (that is such a Madison thing, too - to be unnerved by any show of emotion. heh.)

Another memory, or elaboration on an email from the middle of the night between Nov. 1 and Nov. 2: i wrote that "there was an acute episode." A brisk and brave (?) way to brush past something really awful. (There's no obligation to read all this, I'm just hoping it will be kinda therapeutic for me).

I had slept at home (home home, out in our small town 25 miles from the city, 30 miles from the hospital). It seemed like a good thing to do, a self-care thing to do. But it wasn't at all.

I hated being so far from Loopy, not being able to help her, take care of her. People told me "the nurses will take good care of her" but they don't. That's why you stay with people who are in the hospital. Even good nurses can't do and see everything.

So in the mornings, she always used to wake up in terrible pain. The horrible pain would wrench her awake and though pain pills were administered immediately, it would take us an hour to get it back down. (Some nurse eventually got the hang of it and would give her a pain pill a half hour before she usually woke in agony, and we LOVED that nurse!)

However, the morning I wasn't there, the nurse who came to [Loopy] in her hour of need refused to give her her pain pills until she 'calmed down' and got a 'better attitude' if I remember the phrases accurately. (The nurse never actually apologized for that episode but later explained that she was accustomed to patients in 'neuro' who did not have the rationality to decide when they should have their pills).

For those of you who know Loopy, you can imagine the fury this provoked. She was screaming at the nurse and all hell was breaking loose... she was saved by a lovely man in pink scrubs who came in and calmed everyone and told the nurse to give her her pain pills. We love that man to this day... I still have his business card floating around my car for some reason... makes me happy.

So obviously I didn't spend another night away from her for... I think 17 days.