i am angry at my students, i resent them, i even hate them, or worse than any of that, as of this moment, i don't feel the slightest motivation to do any work for them, since they don't do any work for me.
i try to point out to myself the mountain of grading that i have to do, which wouldn't exist if they weren't doing *something.*
i also alternate this with beating myself up because i know all the things i have done wrong that have reduced my efficacy and encouraged their chaos:
- if i had graded their homework and given it back to them promptly, or shown any sign that i was even paying attention to whether they did their homework, they would not feel their homework was vanishing into a black hole and would be more motivated to do it.
- they also would be more likely to do their homework if i had not had a couple days last week when i was soooo totally unprepared that i just told them to do last night's homework during class... thus punishing those who had done it at home and rewarding those who had not... now at the beginning of each class some of them say, 'we're gonna work on last night's homework, right?'
- if i had implemented my consequences more consistently they would not expect to get away with everything all the time.
- if i had not given in when they argued i would not have a class full of arguers.
- if i had planned my lessons better (or at all) so that they were accessible to all students, the students who struggle more would be more likely to attempt the lessons i'm doing now, which are actually more planned and more accessible.
- if i had instituted better routines for transitions, for doing work, etc. we would not spend countless fruitless minutes with me yelling, 'put away your social studies and get out your math! chris! why is your social studies still on your desk? don't answer that - just put it away and get out your math! alexis! put away your social studies! tanya!" - etc.
- of course, transitions would also be aided if i would keep to the schedule that i have posted in the room. students used to look at it and try to make it match their reality... now they have given up... i just work on math for a while, then on social studies for a while... and i wonder why they don't move promptly from one subject to the next!
On the other hand... the total, complete, utter, and absolute lack of discipline, focus, commitment, order, follow-thru, ability to sit still and shut up, etc.... is not entirely my fault...
But there are so many books on how to teach discipline, order, etc. to even the toughest kids. I read the books. I didn't do it right. In so many ways.
And now I'm so angry and tired that I don't want to even try.
Although I can also point out to myself that the very discipline and commitment and follow-through whose lack I bemoan in my students.... would mean, for me, continuing to do my job as well as I can even when I don't feel like it. How many times have I said to them, "grownups have to do things they don't enjoy all the time!" (Today it was hot and they were whining and I even yelled, 'grow up!' and 'get over it!' ...)
I used to be their ineffective but at least kind and supportive teacher. Now I'm nothing.
It's the fourth week of school and I haven't started science. That's stupid.
In other news, we have a great new home entertainment system and can't get it to function. We have given in and are hiring a man to make it work. This is galling but if you could just see the remotes (three of them! huge and with totally incomprehensible button labels!) you would immediately see that their operation requires a penis.
