ugh....

We interrupt this fun and cheery travelogue for a medical update. A week before vacation I started a 10-day steroid blast that was hopefully going to cure my miserable back pain, at least for like six months or so. I had to lie in bed all weekend and whined and complained a lot on Twitter, so those of you who've been following me there will doubtless remember the event.

I don't know if I twittered as much about how much the symptoms improved, especially around the sixth or seventh day. The last day of school, I think I twittered about how I had overslept, but I'm not sure I got a chance to note that a few hours later, it occurred to me that it was really cool that I'd been able to oversleep - usually the pain wakes me up if the alarm clock doesn't. Anyway, by the time we had to get on the plane I had no pain at all. It was awesome!!

So the steroid blast ended a day or so ago. The pain is back full force. Pretty constant. Often intense.

I don't think I can wait til spring break for the surgery. The few days without pain really showed me how much the pain takes away from my life. The pain makes me cranky and short-tempered with students; it interferes with my concentration and focus; it makes me dull and plodding - it has me just looking at what I have to do to get through the day, instead of dreaming and planning and creating. It has me coming home and going to sleep instead of even trying to interact with my wife or do anything for school. It's like a cloud in front of my vision and cobwebs in my brain. I didn't really realize all the ways it was affecting me til it was gone.

Maybe if I were a saint I could carry on without any impact, like some woman my mother was just describing over Christmas dinner, but I kinda bet the saints either don't have a lot of pain or have some kind of impact that we don't see.

I'm pissed right now that I chose not to go to a concert of Bach in an old church on Christmas Eve because of the damn pain. It wasn't a question of "should I just endure it to enjoy the concert." I couldn't endure it. Those mythical "saints" may cluck their tongues all they like. I know what I can stand.

So next when I get back, is more medical crap, an MRI etc. More appointments; more days off school. And hopefully soon enough the surgery.

Should I grin and bear it, wait til spring or even summer break for the surgery? Ten years ago I might have said yes, I should sacrifice months of pain to be sure I do good work and keep this job. At 37 I've learned: you can sacrifice everything and still lose a job, and then what did you do all that for? And you can NOT sacrifice and still keep a job. And realistically, I'm more likely to do a good job if I'm not in pain.

And, a job is just a job. Even in this economy, there are more jobs out there. I have to get rid of this pain.

There is some part of me that's also hoping that I will somehow get a break, for having medical issues; that they'll give me another year, even if they feel this year was less than stellar, because they think I might come through for them. But, if I were the boss, my decision would not be based on the medical stuff. I'd feel that I had seen enough of my performance to guess whether a 10% or 20% improvement post-surgery was likely, or would make a difference. So basically... yeah. Actually to even consider my stupid job in a medical decision is kind of dumb, isn't it.

Glad the power of those mythical saints has waned in my life.... even though they still whisper in my ears at times. I just have to bat them away like the lil vampires they are. (How's that for a mixed up metaphor).

Cuz you can never have too much Christmas Market

So let's see, the next day, which was yesterday, we putzed around the house, put up Christmas decorations, and then in the evening, we went to two Christmas markets and rode the Christmas streetcar! Woo-hoo! You know these guys (Germans) basically invented Christmas as we know it, so it's totally reasonable that it's just perfect here.

Loopy commented, of the Christmas Streetcar - "This is something they'd never do in the U.S. Let's see, decorate a streetcar for Christmas, serve alcohol inside, and charge the same amount as usual to ride it. Play some music." I suggested that this was because Americans didn't know how to drink reasonably. Loopy stated that it was because Americans don't know how to have fun.



Click through on the pix without us in them, and you can see more Christmas market photos etc etc. Yay!

whee!

so yesterday afternoon, after a snack, Petra and I decided to go for a walk. she said there was a nature preserve nearby and that there was supposed to be a small church-sponsored fest there, with free mulled wine.

we went to the nature preserve, but after some squelching around in the mud, which made us laugh a lot, we could find no church-fest or mulled wine. so then she suggested that maybe it had been moved inside. so, we went to the church, and sure enough, there were people milling around, and food. there seemed ot be some kind of Indonesian festival, with many Indonesian church members, and a caroling program about to start. We snuck in, ate a lot of Bavarian and Indonesian desserts, and ran away before the caroling program. We thought this was hilarious. (There was, however, no mulled wine).

We did however feel a little bad about leaving the others home alone without pastries of any kind, so we quickly turned our steps back to the house. But we found the house dark and everyone fast asleep. I tried to rouse wifey, to no avail... so Petra and I thought we'd go find some mulled wine. Somehow we ended up in the Christmas market. (About 20 minutes on the train, so the sort of 'oh how did that happen?' that we affected was, in fact, pure affectation).

THe Munich Christmas Market is one of my favorite places in the entire universe. I was so happy to be back there. There is some competition for both time and technology here, so I will cut this post short, but Petra and I got drunk on mulled wine, ate candied almonds and lebkuchen, and loved the heck out of the lights and presents. It was bliss.

To see some pix (since I didn't have camera last night and have to cut this short now), check out the official website for the Christmas market.

arrival in Munich

Arrived safely in Germany at the home of our dear friend Petra, her husband Michael, and their four cats (and an extremely elaborate fishtank that, we are told, is being carefully prepped and calibrated to house seahorses in the near future!). They've moved to a new house since we were here last (which was in 2001) so we got the grand tour, and then, as everyone had taken their shoes off but me, I showed myself around the garden.

It's not a large space, but because it's broken up by a summer room, two garages, and a greenhouse, there are all kinds of nooks and crannies. What a delight. I was unexpectedly flooded with memories. I spent quite a few summers in this region as a child, and coming from Arizona, those times were revelatory to me. It was not far from here that I first discovered strawberries hidden in the grass, nor was it far away that I first tasted raspberries I had just picked myself.

It's warmish and a light drizzle was falling, making the lichen stand out against tree trunks and the ubiquitous moss seem unbelievably lush and verdant. I could easily imagine the summer glory of the garden - the faded roses still cling to the brown canes, the large stand of raspberry brambles still has the remnants of last summer's fruit, and grape vines overrun the summer room (don't know what else to call it). Perhaps some of the pleasure simply comes from seeing green, after being thoroughly ensconced in Chicago's blizzardy weather for a while.

Travel is a pleasure. THe world is a pleasure. I am lucky indeed.

off

So we're heading off to Germany for the holidays, both to see our dearly beloved German friends and to avoid the ghosts of Christmas past.

Avoiding the past may or may not be the best way to deal with having your dad die during a particular year. I will certainly keep you posted on that - or more likely I won't since, as I mentioned, the goal is to avoid thinking about it. I have been straying from the path of meditation... it doesn't help that, in my mind, I've turned it into something to "stray from," and feel guilty about. We are warned about this when we start trying to practice meditation. "Pshaw!" I said gaily. "I find it uplifting and healing, not something rigid that I use to berate myself." Yeah.

Anyway, it's time to go to the airport, and I'm not done packing, which is why I'm blogging. Avoidance being the theme here, in case my amazingly subtle writing is not conveying that well enough.

I just wanted to point out that I have become addicted to Twitter, thanks to my beloved online buddy Goblinbox. To keep up with me on a moment-by-moment basis (because what could be better than that? a look inside birdfarm's brain! wow!), there are several options. You can

1. visit this page and read the Twitter updates at right, or
2. click the link at right to visit my Twitter home page, or
3. click this link to achieve the same effect.

Have a great holiday if I don't post again before then. But I probably will. I'll be on vacation after all. With Mom. :)

Loopy-Loopy dialogue: in which we become those two old guys from the muppet show

conversation, yesterday morning in bed:

me: What does "QT" stand for?
Loopy: huh?
me: You know, like "on the QT."
Loopy: What does that mean?
me: Like, hush-hush, a secret.
Loopy: You mean, "on the DL."
me: No, I know that one, but before there was DL there was QT.
Loopy: Well what does QT stand for?
me: That's what I'm asking you!

(fadeout amid laughter and tussling :) )

money & value: some observations

(no, not 'values,' just 'value')

Now that I have only $10 spending money a week, and "one of each" is usually not an option, I am figuring out what's really important to me. In terms of consumer goods anyway.

1. Ice cream. Bad ice cream is beyond unsatisfying... it's really depressing. To me anyway. It makes me want to cry.
2. Soap. Good soap is just so worth it... both for the smell and the feel, during and after the washing experience. It makes a shower feel that much more like an act of loving self-care. Fortunately, there are good soaps that aren't THAT much more expensive than shit soap.
3. Alcohol. I don't drink that often, but when I do, I want it to be good. Gooooooood.

Some more things I've figured out:
1. Cheap chocolate is more palatable when cut with a lot of other stuff. Peanut butter, peanuts, caramel, etc.
2. Cheap lotion smells less like motor oil when heavily scented.
3. It's kind of amazing how often a coupon still doesn't make an item cheaper than the store brand.