hmmmmmmmmm.......

pills

2010-05-29T16:49:00.003-05:00

after crying ridiculously to a friend, i worked out and my pills kicked in and now i feel good. great even. the pill thing is weird. very weird. that my whole life - the goodness, the sweetness, the sunshine and pleasure in my life - all comes out of these little bottles. maybe i should stockpile them in case of apocalypse. but seriously: isn't it weird? i feel like i am truly myself with all

got re-hired for fall!

2010-05-29T09:20:00.003-05:00

It's a really bad job market in Chicago - they're cutting 18% of teachers district-wide - so I feel extremely lucky to finally get re-hired. Third time's the charm, I guess! It's funny too when I think back, I gave a really terrible interview here. I think I was pretty far down on their list of choices, for various reasons. But things have worked out well. In other news, check out my kick-ass

May in the garden

2010-05-24T19:11:00.004-05:00

I spent all afternoon yesterday sketching in the garden of one of the members of our meetup.com sketching & painting group. here's a lovely photo of where we were, and here are my two sketches: It's gotten hot in Chicago all of a sudden... today at school I felt like I was wearing a plastic bag, in my customary polyester tunic and slacks. I need some cooler clothes! Some of the women were wearing

here's what's on my mind today...

2010-05-22T09:04:00.002-05:00

at this job so much more than the last two, i am getting a sense of how completely the students' lives are overshadowed by gang violence. every one of them has lost someone close to them. every week someone knows someone who is killed. already this year more people have died in Chicago than in our armed forces in Iraq and Afghanistan combined, and every one of them is known to some of our

2010-05-18T21:31:00.001-05:00

today's side effect - went back up half a step on the meds, and today at the end of the day i am exceedingly crabby and impatient, to the point where i am childishly pouty during a meeting (embarrassed to be called on it, in a sort of passive-aggressive way, by two different people). going back up to full dose tomorrow - will try ramping down again in the summer. :P

shadows

2010-05-17T21:35:00.004-05:00

So for a long time now I've had this major problem with sleepiness - falling asleep as soon as I sit down, to the point where I've had to stop driving. It started last year when I raised the dose of one of my medications. Since then I've been tested for and treated for sleep apnea - I'm not sure why really, considering that it's obviously one of my medications - I guess I just really really did

turning of the seasons

2010-05-16T19:14:00.004-05:00

thinking about graduation as colleges around us have theirs... the elm tree in the park is producing millions of those fluttery papery seeds that always remind me of the end of the year at harvard... every year moving out of a room that had seen so many ups and downs but overall another good year of friendship and scholarship... i think i DID appreciate those things at the time tho i allowed

beautiful

2010-05-09T11:07:00.002-05:00

What a gorgeous day it is in Chicago. A beautiful day for being right here, right now, not for worrying about the future or mooning about the past. Right here, right now. Beauty and light... such beauty and light.

nostalgia...

2010-05-08T15:29:00.004-05:00

Busy week at work... took on a project that unexpectedly took more time and energy, and had less help, than I had expected. I think it's finished now... or at least one phase of it is finished... enough that I can bow out of the rest of it I think without seeming to drop it in the middle. We are supposed to be finishing up the year with our service learning projects. I don't think I can manage

happy spring...

2010-05-01T07:01:00.006-05:00

happy again... my new meds (well, new a year ago now) have really turned me into a different person... mostly i'm happy, most days - almost all days - i'm glad to be alive. Pema Chödrön says, “I’m glad to be alive to agreeable, I’m glad to be alive to disagreeable. And I’m glad to be alive to sour and sweet and tingly and itchy, and refreshing and cold and hot and the whole thing. And it doesn’t

loss

2010-04-17T00:45:00.007-05:00

a year ago today i said goodbye to someone very important to me. some of you know that story - some don't - no matter - now it's a year later. i am a numbers girl - i remember numbers and dates forever - and anniversaries are in my subconscious, in my bones and blood, and they bubble up and burst. often, i am confused by a wash of inexplicable emotion until i recall that it's an anniversary -

spring break trip to Milwaukee :)

2010-04-02T10:33:00.011-05:00

Went Milwaukee with Miriam for a day... Just a quick dash through some of the photos... First, we went to an amazing photography exhibit at the Milwaukee Art Museum... for those of you unfamiliar the museum was designed by the amazing architect Santiago Calatrava (here's a photo of the whole museum... and get this... the "wings" close at night!!!!!)The exhibit we saw was called Street Seen: The

Happy Ostara!

2010-03-21T12:15:00.004-05:00

A day late, just noticed it on the calendar. I remember how cool it was to find out that the root of "Easter" is "Ostara," the goddess of spring or something. Those old old things persist. Like there is a river in Iran whose name sounds sort of like "Cyrus" (in Persian), and they think maybe it was named for him but got corrupted during the centuries when people forgot that Cyrus the Great's

tide in, tide out

2010-03-01T20:04:00.002-06:00

depression seems to be coming back - last 10+ days. i fought it, then panicked about it ... didn't get work done, started to feel like i'm going under at school. now remembered to accept it and just put one foot in front of the other, not make a big deal out of it, not do the headless chicken routine (either internally or externally) nor the deer in the headlights... just do my job... ok so

winter blahs

2010-02-24T20:41:00.003-06:00

so another year older... last week or two i've been going downhill pretty steadily... so tired... think the winter's getting to me... have felt over my head at school - have three classes instead of two - and a lot of new students, few of whom are at all pleasant; meanwhile most of my old favorite students are gone to other teachers. or so it seems atm. and i just got a raft of additional

hip pappy bithuthday! the celebrations begin

2010-02-15T09:36:00.000-06:00

I always make a big thing out of my birthday, as I mentioned in 2006 (part 1 and part 2), 2007, and 2009. In 2008 I was in bad-job hell and apparently either had no fun for my birthday or failed to comment upon it. In 2005 I posted on my birthday with no mention thereof. Go figure. Anyway, my celebration began on Saturday at the Art Institute, where I met some fun people (through my Meetup.com

discipline

2010-01-29T00:26:00.003-06:00

No longer doing the nightly checkins here - easier via email to Nadly - too boring here!My meditation instructor recently reminded me (and it's now a post-it on my mirror) that discipline isn't, by definition, something cruel that hurts you. It's something that helps you, that you want... something you even enjoy. This applies most centrally to meditation, which I'm still not doing. *sigh*But it

2010-01-21T20:06:00.002-06:00

i made a commitment to write every night to assess the care and kindness that i had given to myself that day, as a reminder of my goal of giving myself what i need. i set this goal so that i won't seek what i need in another, so i don't get those frushes and crushes, the idea that someone else can make me happy - so i don't get hooked on other kinds of things either, thinking any thing will make

healing thinking... six things that have helped me

2010-01-17T01:04:00.005-06:00

I felt that the previous post was depressing me so I thought I'd revisit something I learned in the intensive outpatient program over the summer... six ways to think positively, to undermine self-sabotage. It has really been a life-saver for me - stuck on a post-it on my bathroom mirror - how many mornings has one of them caught my eye and helped me start the day on the right track, or go to bed

2010-01-16T23:43:00.002-06:00

spent the whole day in a state of extreme "poverty mind," feeling like i needed - really needed - something outside myself. scrambling for it, casting about in hopes of finding it. even though i saw what i was doing, i didn't stop. didn't take a shower, didn't eat.feel drained and flat. plans tomorrow to work all day. had planned to have long dog walk and meditation in the morning, but those have

2010-01-16T09:44:00.001-06:00

i know going for a long walk will make me happier than getting on the computer. but i did the latter anyway.

2010-01-15T23:47:00.002-06:00

At least writing these checkins is making me mindful of my poor self-care and able to see those stirrings of frama before they get going. That shit is so addictive though...

2010-01-14T21:31:00.002-06:00

home alone tonight... chance to reflect in more spaciousness... tired tho... ... ... sometimes i miss people i haven't seen or spoken to in a long time, as though i just saw them days ago. i don't know why i still miss them so much. nadine would probably say because i am looking to them, still, somehow, as someone who would have made, or could make me, happy. she might say that that is imaginary

2010-01-11T18:50:00.002-06:00

wow, has it really been since the 5th that i haven't posted? nadly emailed me a nudge and i appreciate it... i think Harry Reid *should* step down over his racist remarks. just sayin'. i haven't posted because i haven't wanted to look too closely at the self-care thing. maybe because i had a bit of frush-frama again, looking to someone outside myself with whom i hoped to become friends, as

2010-01-05T21:35:00.002-06:00

Today feels more like a deficit in the self-care accounting. Self-care red ink. I hung out with aforementioned Larry, he of the frush-frama (the one who seems like he wants more from me, emotionally, than I'm able to give. Can't we just hang out and go to meditation? No, I don't want you to help me put up my shelves, write my lesson plans, or worry about me crossing the street or working with

back from madison, back to school

2010-01-04T21:35:00.002-06:00

miri's writing workshop was great as always. i reminded myself about the teaching that instead of "spending every minute as though in the dentist's chair" we can "welcome each moment as though we'd invited it." it helped me reconcile with coming back to school... i love my students and my work, but i was also loving my vacation. i also wrote about the recent improvement in my marriage - just in

2010-01-01T22:23:00.003-06:00

Yesterday i dedicated a whole day to just having fun with Loopy (and ignoring my work). We went to ikea, which was fun n useful, and then to see "Avatar" in 3D, which was spectacular. I reasoned that i had 8 hours on the bus to Madison n back (I'm going to Miri's one-day writing retreat tomorrow). But I slept and IM'd my way up to Madison... Now I'm freaking out that I have so little time left,

2009-12-31T01:12:00.002-06:00

Remember the new friend? Dang, he's intense. He's needy and tries not to be, which is so familiar to me from my end - usually it's me saying "it's ok" when it's not, "I don't mind" when I do, etc (see under recent posts about my frush-frama). He obviously has his own little frush-frama going. And I am presented with the same dilemma I have offered others - he seems like a great guy and I'd like

check-in #7

2009-12-30T00:32:00.003-06:00

Today: exercise, check - meditation, check - time with wifey, check - spent time clearing out the damn dining room, check. All in all a good day. So why don't I feel a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction? This must be some kind of plot.

check-in #6

2009-12-28T19:40:00.003-06:00

thinking. i made a new friend today. we talked about when you get too needy in friendships and just use people up, burn through them... apparently this is his habit... he dives in and grabs on and just eats people up and then they can't take any more and abandon him... but now, he has a new girlfriend who is doing the same thing to him. i've done this in the past, though less extremely than he

2009-12-27T22:51:00.002-06:00

Checking in... Home from the in-laws'.... Noticing that while it's sometimes easier and quicker to be rude it feels much better to be kind... Hardly an original sentiment but one worth recalling, since it relates to this whole self-care theme...anyway, so noticing in general how not noticing I've become with regard to my own feelings, energy, etc. Want to fix that.

Check-in #5

2009-12-25T21:45:00.002-06:00

More connected today. Felt my feelings, talked with relatives... Gave self permission to just sit back and enjoy watching tv and eating all day. I love being with these inlaws... They really love and accept me... after all these years... And it's so easy to be with them. They don't have any expectations of how I'm supposed to complete their lives. They don't even expect me to do the dishes (

Check-in #4

2009-12-24T19:34:00.002-06:00

Travel day. ER at 2 a.m. cuz I suspected (rightly) strep throat. Relatives' all day. Helped clean up which felt right but spent much of the rest of the day in a sort of dissociated stupor that didn't feel good - I know in past years I've made an effort to connect with each family member. Well, I was super-sleep-deprived today... But once again I'm seeing how much of the day just goes right by me.

check-in #3

2009-12-23T23:37:00.002-06:00

spent a lot of the day on the computer, more than i'd like, chatting on this new site i've found. i'm hoping to make some real, real-life friends there with whom i could actually go places and do things around Chicago, and form some kind of long-term bond - you know, actual friends? - so that's sort of like self care. but i also caught myself thinking about it as something that was going to

check-in #2

2009-12-22T20:44:00.002-06:00

let's see... i've been sick all day... this morning at 5 a.m. i really wanted some hot chai and hot cereal so i dragged myself out of bed and made some... does that count as self care? it felt like it... not expecting anyone else to meet that need... i've been trying to take good care of myself all day, got some stuff done i was supposed to do, which felt good. Still no meditation or exercise.

check-in #1

2009-12-20T13:41:00.001-06:00

Good IM with Nadine this morning. She pointed out (for the gazillionth time, poor thing) that it's not this friend I want... that I need to fill my own needs for myself... she made me promise that every evening i'll post a blog entry stating whether i did any of the following that day - and if not, what blocked me from it. Things that make me feel better, build me up: meditation, exercise,

trying to navigate

2009-12-19T13:08:00.002-06:00

Lately I've been having frama (that's friend drama, I just made it up) with a frush (that's a friend crush - i made that up too - i mean someone you want to be friends with a lot cuz they're so cool but you aren't sure if they want to be friends with you, so it's like a crush, but just friends). Sometimes I think we're going to be great friends and confidantes, and sometimes I think this person

chasing and dodging

2009-11-23T19:14:00.004-06:00

after a few attempts to dodge my feelings with chocolate and bunny-shaped graham crackers, i'm making a good dinner (well, defrosting one) and some favorite chai and sitting down with them.actually, if you could have heard the convo in my head, you might have been surprised to find some familiar players. me: maybe i'll have a drink... maybe some more chocolate... what's so wrong about numbing out

the special diet

2009-11-20T01:42:00.006-06:00

1:45 AM me: i should go to sleep i guess i came home and fell asleep on the couch (R is off dogsitting at someone else's house)1:46 AM then just woke up a short while ago to take the dog out and have some cheerios and since i'm late taking my meds i cried. sometimes it feels so good to take a break from the meds, if only for 15 minutes1:47 AM i can see why people stop taking them.

fear

2009-11-17T05:50:00.004-06:00

have been feeling that old anxiety. started friday when i gave a quiz and students didn't seem to understand what i was teaching. have been frozen again, deer in the headlights, feeling ineffective. stuck. avoiding my work instead of embracing it. lost that determination and drive. for the first time, eager for the day to be over, not enjoying my job. Loopy says. "Your job is to teach, their job

technological genius in action

2009-11-15T16:44:00.003-06:00

i've just set up my facebook to post status updates to my twitter account, and my twitter tweets to my blog, so updates (which are once or twice a day) will appear in the right column on my blog. since some of you (AMY! and mostly Nadine!) don't facebook i thought it's a way to update my blog more regularly. in case you want that kind of update! lol :-)

upside down / rightside up

2009-11-15T13:13:00.004-06:00

when i take my pills late, my old normal comes back. feeling weepy and as though i don't want to do anything. everything seems desperate and insoluble. the thing is it's very normal and familiar and it's intense, and it always makes me wonder whether the pills are numbing out feelings i should be having. i remember highs and lows, giddiness and heartbreak and think that i've been so even-keeled

self-doubt

2009-11-12T22:19:00.002-06:00

...comes creeping back in. classes are getting unruly. i'm getting tired - very tired. i start to feel myself being like last year - staring dully at them and going back to teaching without knowing how to handle what's happening. deer in the headlights, is that coming back? damn, it was so traumatic and awful last year. and the year before. trying not to panic. using my tools from my outpatient

the sky gets in the trees

2009-11-01T11:40:00.001-06:00

I made this four years ago to try to convey a silly thought I had about autumn many years back: when you look at the colors, it's like the sky has gotten mixed up with the trees, and the trees have gotten mixed up with the grass.Technically, it's three times the same slice of the same photo, with the Photoshop "crystallize" filter at 15 and 50.

uncurling

2009-11-01T11:29:00.003-06:00

When Halloween's over I feel better. It's like this growing darkness and then a lightness and brightness of crisp autumn air. Pre-Christmas stuff starts - I know everyone complains about that, but I don't mind, I like Christmas. And the leaves are falling in earnest and the air's getting colder and... it's a good time. Things continue to be fine at school. I come home and Loopy asks, "So how was

2009-10-27T17:39:00.003-05:00

Tired today. Feeling slightly overwhelmed for the first time. Some part of my brain tugs me toward drama and despair, and I do recognize some of the symptoms from last year - today I wasn't ready for class, was confused about the purpose of the class, and was just casting about for something to do basically. But this was an unusual day - I am giving them a test tomorrow and had to give them one

changes...

2009-10-20T12:01:00.000-05:00

today i'm thinking how, in a way, i'm the same old me, and how, in another way, my old friends would have to get to know me all over again... i feel the same and different... i'm still the same me with the same likes and loves and so on... but i react differently, i hurt less, i smile more, my moods are gentler. i think this is an improvement, but i wonder if i have lost anything that people

miracles of modern medicine

2009-10-14T20:51:00.006-05:00

the end of the day comes; the students leave; i eat an apple and chat with a colleague. i'm not exhausted. i'm not despairing. i didn't count the minutes til the end of the day. i don't have the drowning look on my face that my new friend the first-year teacher has on her face all the time, poor thing. i'm cheerful. i enjoy my apple. i didn't come crawling to the colleague's room in desperation.

seeing my way through at last...

2009-10-04T09:12:00.005-05:00

These lyrics have been going through my head: Bend, little willowWind's gonna blow youHard and cold tonightLife, as it happensNobody warns youWillow, hold on tight.Nothing's gonna shake your loveTake your love awayNo one's out to break your heartIt only seems that way... ~Paul McCartney(From a song written for a child whose parent had just been killed in an accident, if I

early fall morning glories...

2009-09-23T00:01:00.003-05:00

Those hours that with gentle work did frameThe lovely gaze where every eye doth dwell, Will play the tyrants to the very same, And that unfair which fairly doth excel; For never-resting time leads summer onTo hideous winter, and confounds him there; Sap check'd with frost, and lusty leaves quite gone, Beauty o'ersnow'd, and bareness everywhere: Then, were not summer's distillation left, A liquid

aak.

2009-09-20T13:21:00.005-05:00

I got the job referred to in the previous post. I'm overwhelmed. Instead of any further information or commentary about the job, I will bring you more Star Wars humor.

i might have a different job.

2009-09-17T15:41:00.002-05:00

So back to the school that I interviewed for on 9/2. Either they hired someone who didn't work out or... I guess they must have hired someone who didn't work out. Cuz today they called me and I have to go in tomorrow to teach a sample lesson. Yow. There are a lot of good points about this school - history and English are taught together, by reading novels. That's perfect. Class sizes are small.

rough day at work...

2009-09-16T18:54:00.000-05:00

I might have been hired. It's vague.

2009-09-11T11:22:00.004-05:00

Another possible job, where I might have already been hired. The principal is from The Gambia and perhaps because of this a lot of things are laid-back and somewhat vague. Whether I've been hired is one of them. The job is at an alternative school like the one where I taught and worked in Madison, WI. 200-some students, very heavy social justice orientation, family atmosphere. Low-income students

fear to fearlessness

2009-09-07T09:43:00.003-05:00

Last night I saw a new friend at meditation - one of the people I met on retreat. Some good friendships are coming out of that and I am really happy about that. This friend talked about how he was trying to be fully present in all his relationships, not hold back at all, not even the smallest part of himself. We particularly talked about it in relation to family. He's so earnest - he's only 24 -

possibilities...

2009-09-02T07:24:00.003-05:00

Sudden job interview today - got the call yesterday. It's at a school for kids who need a second chance - "at-risk students and high school dropouts who are ages 16-21 and who have been under-served and /or disconnected from traditional education." This reminds me of my time at Shabazz in Madison, although those kids were probably from a higher class/economic status, on average, than the students

better today

2009-08-31T14:35:00.005-05:00

started one tutoring job today - no kids yet, just training. one of my former colleagues quit his job at our old school, and i wrote/called everyone begging them to give me his job (teaching sixth grade). severe anxiety last night about whether i can do it or not if i get it - the classroom management piece is the toughie. well, we'll see what happens. in the meantime things are much improved

missing you

2009-08-29T09:50:00.008-05:00

Lonely today. Thinking about other times in my life when I have had more friends, love, companionship. Recent times and back to college, to high school... I've been blessed with extraordinary friendships and extraordinary people in my life... Read over some old emails I probably should have left alone, and then, thanks to Facebook and a reminiscence about going to Emack & Bolio's with Amy for

boiling II

2009-08-26T23:53:00.001-05:00

Or does it boil down to this: can a crazy person live with a sane person, without the former getting worse and the latter getting crazy? Just how crazy am I? Is this problem inside my own head? Why can't I be who she needs me to be? Why can't I keep from hurting her? Why can't it be enough - the tremendous love and bounty that I am lucky enough to be blessed with? What's wrong with me? Is there

boiling

2009-08-25T13:46:00.005-05:00

So it all boils down to: can a person who easily gets hurt, live with a person who easily gets angry, and for how long before they're just... done. But, perhaps that's a gross over-simplification. When there's enough love, none of that matters.That's a cliché.Mirror maze.

approaching anniversary

2009-08-24T00:37:00.009-05:00

As you might have guessed, I went ahead to that Buddhist meditation retreat last week. It was really, really good in a lot of ways. More on that tomorrow. Instead, I bring you a conversation from the bus last night, the aftermath of an honest but painful therapy session. But, honesty is a good thing. Really. It is. It felt good to be honest - like a fresh start.Anyway: Me: So what are we doing

working out

2009-08-16T13:33:00.005-05:00

When people say, of a marriage, "things just didn't work out," is that something that happens because of a lack of willpower? or a lack of commitment? or is it something that just... happens to you? something beyond your control?I guess you'll say it could be either one. That's no help at all. When I asked her this question, Loopy was no help either. She said no one could know, and we can't tell

daily Dharma: hope and fear

2009-08-16T08:39:00.006-05:00

I've always loved this teaching... excerpted from Pema Chödrön's When Things Fall Apart. I won't put it in blockquotes cuz there's so much... blockquote it in your mind ;) . The idea of "giving up hope" is weird to us... think of it as giving up aggression toward yourself... well, see how she defines it. I interpret hope as a sort of tension, being at odds with reality, harboring aggression

Loopy-Loopy dialogue!

2009-08-15T17:01:00.004-05:00

Yes, folks, I know it's been way too long since my last Loopy-Loopy dialogue... or since I wrote anything except long boring things. Sorry! Me: I can't believe you're going to a music festival. It's so hot* out there, I wouldn't go seename my favorite band!I don't care who it is, I wouldn't go out there to see them. Loopy: U2. Me: Nope. Loopy: Bonnie Raitt. Me: Nope. I wouldn't go out for...

step by step

2009-08-14T15:01:00.007-05:00

I loved Goblinbox's comment that I had such an optimistic post last time, so I was loath to post something less optimistic... which is good, because I had some low days there, and that would have been dull. So, I think it's pretty clear I didn't get that job at the pre-engineering school. I didn't really expect to get it, but I had my hopes up quite a bit. At the nadir of the previous few days, I

but what's been going on OUTSIDE my head?

2009-08-07T22:31:00.006-05:00

So let's see. I went to a job fair a week ago. I wore the outfit at left, which I try to think of as having "retro flair" rather than being "Gidget-like." (The photo you see was actually taken so I could consider which outfit to buy... I ended up asking my psychiatrist about it because she's the best-dressed person I know. Weird, huh.) Thanks to encouragement from my fellow inmates - excuse me,

fresh air

2009-08-07T07:50:00.002-05:00

Listening to my Buddhist tapes again this morning... ahh... starting to want it again... to emerge from the hell I've created in my mind, and breathe some clear air. Starting to remember that saṃsāra is unendurable... It's like I had locked an iron bar around my chest and now I can get glimpses of what it would be like to expand my lungs and really breathe again. Not that I'm there. But I'm

salvation

2009-08-07T07:40:00.005-05:00

Rescue me [rescue me, it's hard to believe]Your love has given me hopeRescue me [rescue me, it's hard to believe]I'm drowning, baby throw out your rope...~Madonna (remember? hahaha)Yesterday brought some clarity on two things that are the same: I keep wanting and wanting someone to rescue me. That's how I destroy things. I want someone to save me. And I've found it hard to stop wanting that. As

forgive

2009-08-06T07:47:00.009-05:00

After a long hiatus, listening to my Buddhist teaching recordings. In the car they make me go to sleep, but while walking I have no such excuse."How we usually proceed is like heaping suffering on top of suffering." ~Pema Chödrön They say what we practice is what we get better at. What have I been practicing? Selfishness. Self-loathing. I am eager to give up the self-loathing. It destroys

and now for something completely different...

2009-08-04T15:26:00.003-05:00

yesterday I was helping Loopy walk dogs and as I waited for her, I saw a big plant full of lovely big sprays of white flowers a few houses down, and I went to investigate. The flowers were a type of hydrangea with which I hadn't been familiar - growing in more of a cone shape than a ball. As I admired them I noticed a creature I had never seen before: the giant black wasp at left. There must have

mourning & loneliness

2009-08-04T04:56:00.008-05:00

One of the many gifts my outpatient group has given me is space to mourn. The message I had from others and from myself was that I should be done with all that. But my outpatient group and the therapists there encouraged me to let those feelings out in that safe space, and I've done so... Weeping at times... asking for the group's input and suggestions about how to move through the mourning and

"one part be my lover, one part go away..."

2009-08-03T18:45:00.004-05:00

Awhile ago I was raging at fate and finding the urge to take pictures of "NO" wherever I saw it.Recently I had the urge to take pictures of arrows... and all the arrows I saw pointed in multiple directions... which made sense because I felt torn in two directions... Most of you know what happened recently that caused my Loopy to lose faith in me. I have been hesitant to ask her to take that leap

women; dogs; Cesar Millan

2009-08-03T08:51:00.006-05:00

So... I was going to say, "why are women the way they are?" but my lovely Loopy hates rhetorical questions, so I'll just say, sometimes women are annoying. (Men can be annoying too, but this post isn't about them). I passed many dog walkers on my lovely morning walk, which has become a habit - no, really a requirement - Mr. Pickles insists upon it, and drives us crazy all day without it. Anyway,

waxing crescent

2009-07-26T23:58:00.003-05:00

Saw a king snake, a crescent moon, a giant bat (really, like, pizza size), three Harris hawks, four or five families of quail, endless doves, a squashed 'horny toad,' assorted non-squished lizards, miscellaneous jackrabbits... it's only very recently that jackrabbits have started to look long-eared to me. and "regular" rabbits still look small-eared. heh. i've treasured my time in the desert, in

up next: saṃsāra

2009-07-25T19:16:00.003-05:00

so i have been reluctant to move on to the fourth of the "Four Reminders" that i planned to spend time contemplating. i edited Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche's poetic version of the fourth reminder to this: "saṃsāra is unendurable, unbearably intense; all beings suffer." karma was a stern lesson. but saṃsāra is harder somehow. saṃsāra is the suffering created when we run in the hamster wheel: the pain

pulling out

2009-07-22T06:58:00.002-05:00

So I just wrote an email to cancel my candidacy for the Chinese job. I'm terrified I did the wrong thing: I have no other prospects. I was awake half the night worrying that I did the wrong thing. But I know I didn't. This job would be so painful... Except that sometimes I think, no, I could have done it, and I shouldn't have let fear get in the way. The response to that is, it wasn't fear, it

happy.....?

2009-07-18T08:10:00.004-05:00

I've been feeling good the last couple days (course, before that, I was feeling awful, so ... but...) I wonder if it's the exercise. For as long as I've been any kind of crazy, "they" (doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, well-meaning friends, wives - ok only one wife - and assorted random passers-by) have been suggesting that regular exercise would lift my mood. Maybe all those Mr. Pickles walks

more on karma! and my purpose in life

2009-07-17T07:52:00.006-05:00

Coincidentally (cuz I don't believe in anything else, having grown up with parents who saw signs from God everywhere all the time...)...the talk at yoga this week was on karma. The teacher told a story illustrating that cause and effect are as inevitable as pebbles sinking in water or oil floating on top of it... In other words, it's just how things are, it's not someone doing something to you.

karma is inescapable

2009-07-16T15:50:00.005-05:00

"Unalterable are the laws of karma; cause and effect cannot be escaped." Karma is not what people think, at least in the tradition I (sort of) follow. It is not meted out like reward and punishment by some deity. It is simply the fact that everything we do has results, good and bad. It's not really a belief - more of an observation, a description. Karma is a wheel, like a hamster wheel. The

tired of being crazy

2009-07-14T02:44:00.003-05:00

The thing that exhausts me most is that I can't trust my own thoughts. They come in sometimes ridiculously quick succession... opposite ideas... e.g. first that I am utterly alone; 30 minutes later, that wifey loves me and I'm safe with her. Often enough, no provocation for either thought. No outer change. And both feel like revelations - "oh now I see the truth." It's exhausting and leaves me

the dog is dead, long live the dog!

2009-07-13T14:18:00.002-05:00

Dear sweet Gracie died on Friday... so both our babies are gone... Good-bye sweet sweet babies! But... we couldn't stand the dogless house so we got a new dog on Saturday... his name is Mr. Pickles and he's a big goof. *sigh*

frothy mix

2009-07-10T06:47:00.005-05:00

Mix of events, emotions, everything. Bad, very bad: Dog is sick. She has pneumonia and can hardly walk from arthritis. It is incredibly sad to hear her gasping for breath. She literally sounds like a saw sawing wood. Then there's the choking. That's fun too (not). Good: I made it to the "next level" in my application for the position teaching Chinese at a charter high school. Bad: Now I have to

death is certain, and the timing of death is uncertain, so what is the most important?

2009-07-06T20:47:00.003-05:00

Thursday was a very bad day. That "no" post (previous) came out of a slide back into a very difficult place, paranoia, despair, nothing good. But I took my evening meds a few hours early and after a half hour or so I was fine. I am grateful for the meds and more resigned to my diagnosis. Last night too was bad. Black despairing loneliness. Up most of the night crying. That turned out to be

no.

2009-07-02T16:35:00.004-05:00

Awhile back I was angry on a photo shoot, n didn't want to do the assigned topic. I saw a particularly good "no," and started seeing more... the first batch were lost but I have these...The "no" phase lasted about a month... as I worked through my fury at fate... It finally abated n I had no more urge to shoot "no"s. I could still do so but it would feel like cheating or forcing the issue... Too

well.

2009-07-01T21:57:00.006-05:00

My Dad always used to say, "Well...... it's a deep subject." And then his eyes would crinkle up and he'd just - almost giggle - chortle - something like that - he loved his own corny jokes. So anyway. Kinda doing well. By some measures. I've gotten more job search stuff done in the last couple days than I did the whole summer last year or the year before. That's really something to be proud of.

fucking gratitude... dammit

2009-06-29T09:24:00.004-05:00

i've done a lot of puttering, a lot of putzing, to avoid writing this post, once i decided to write it. i'll get to that at the end. heh. in recent weeks i've been having trouble "getting to the cushion," i.e. making up my mind to meditate and actually doing it. when life was shittier i rushed to meditate, taking refuge when there was no ground.but now that life returns to varying degrees of

cuz you can never have too much glitter

2009-06-29T00:41:00.004-05:00

Went to the pride parade today... ended up covered with glitter and happy. Loopy didn't want to go - she hates crowds and heat and sun, which pretty much covers any parade. So for once, instead of any compromise involving either a disgruntled me at home or a disgruntled Loopy at the parade, we did what was most likely to make us happy: Loopy stayed home and I went by myself. I walked 1.7 miles (

not so great

2009-06-27T02:09:00.003-05:00

I feel terrible just at the moment. Probably because it's 2 a.m. But also cuz Loopy's mad at me and I keep giving her more reasons to be... I feel I can't do anything right... as though I'm toxic even. It's a lonely feeling... I'm the featherless screaming chick right now for sure. The loving mother bird says, "Sweetie, it's 2 a.m... get some sleep, you'll feel better in the morning." OK. I will.

loving-kindness: the essential practice

2009-06-25T20:29:00.007-05:00

"[One] image for [loving-kindness] is the mother bird who protects and cares for her young until they are strong enough to fly away. "People sometimes ask'Who am I in this imagethe mother or the chick?' The answer is we're both..."...We stay with ourselves and others when we're screaming for food and have no feathers, and also when we are more grown up and more appealing by worldly standards."

我想要教中文。

2009-06-24T21:21:00.004-05:00

So somehow I have ended up applying for all these jobs teaching Chinese. Those seem to be the jobs that are available. Do I speak Chinese? No. How do I plan to finesse this? I plan to study like hell all summer. If you're saying "W....T....F???" ...... you are not alone.

mary mary quite contrary

2009-06-22T07:48:00.005-05:00

my garden is doing splendidly, thank you! people complain about the weather and i do sympathize, but holy fuck it has been FANTASTIC garden weather. two days of rain, a day of hot sun. repeat. for a month. i love it. nine days agotodayme: OH! AND! guess what else! you: WHAT!!?!?* me: snapdragons and another flower i can't name have also resurfaced from last year, even though they were supposed to

painfully obvious

2009-06-22T00:22:00.010-05:00

fmr [also fired] coworker: "I'm really anxious, I couldn't even leave the apartment today, and I don't even know why.' me: "are you joking?" fmr coworker: "um... I didn't... I don't think so." me: "don't you think maybe it has to do with the fact that tomorrow's Monday and we have no place to be?" fmr coworker: "oh... um... yeah... you might be right about that." (i roll my eyes)two hours later.

delta means change

2009-06-18T21:51:00.007-05:00

i've long been fascinated by the few "interior deltas" that exist in the world... these are places where a river passes through an area that is basically flat, but it is not the mouth of the river (thus "interior"). The river spreads out over the land and, instead of cutting a single channel, the waters separate and meet each other again and again and again. Copper River delta, AlaskaInner Niger

d'oh

2009-06-17T23:58:00.001-05:00

i forgot to mention i have a job interview tuesday! and another in the works. both are part-time... not ideal but... a ple p rok, sleep typing alert! bedtime!!!!!

awash

2009-06-17T22:27:00.004-05:00

for some reason, i'm flooded with feelings. clinginess, annoyance, uncertainty, anxiety, desire and aversion... slow tides and ebbs... maybe it's just because the depression has receded, so all these things are bubbling up...maybe it's because my job is ending and i need a new one.... at the same time, underlying everything, there's a constant feeling of just being so grateful to not be depressed

up down up down updown updown updownupdownupdown

2009-06-12T22:43:00.002-05:00

roller coaster. still the roller coaster. mornings have been better. much, much better. i'm talkin' singing to the radio and swinging into school, cheery good mornings all around. probably way too much for most people to cope with when they're just barely getting their coffee. so that's good, right? the days of sobbing hysterically in the car on the way to school (and the occasional fantasy of

I've known rivers...

2009-06-10T00:47:00.001-05:00

Unfortunately, I'm not talking about the profoundly resonant rivers of history and human experience that are referred to in Langston Hughes's flavorful poem. I'm talking the Nile and the Seine. As in, I've been in de Nile and I've been in Seine. hahahaha ok maybe that just seems funny at 1 a.m.Lately I've been thinking, "oh, I don't have a mood disorder. In April and May it was just grief - now

list

2009-06-07T21:45:00.004-05:00

i came up with three things i want to do to make friends, get out of the house, and not go crazy or drive Loopy crazy this summer. get involved in Obama's healthcare campaign.yoga - i tried going to a qi gong class yesterday and it was perfect, but it's hard to find a good teacher and yoga's just everywhere by comparison. Loopy said she'll do it too! monthly miksang photography meetups

more flowers/Buddhism rambling. hey, what can i say, they go together

2009-06-06T20:11:00.010-05:00

Just planted white geraniums in my pots where my nasturtium and morning-glory seedlings are juuuuust beginning to appear. I'm so excited about them! (the seedlings) I'm also gleefully anticipating how the pots - which look just like plain white geraniums - pretty but nothing special - will graaaaaadually generate these amaaaazing multicolored flower vines that will slowwwwwly creep out of them

Arp.

2009-06-04T21:48:00.005-05:00

Was grading last night while Loopy watched The World According to Garp. Never my favorite movie, though it does have some good moments (the airplane crashing into the house, for example - and Garp's comment - "it's been pre-disastered.")But it did get me thinking about why I like those birth-to-death sagas and multi-generational epics (preferably set in another time and/or place, with plenty of